How do you cope with horrible people in your life?
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« on: January 11, 2012, 06:52:01 am »

Hi, I am in the predicament where I have brothers and sisters who only bring me frustration and aggravation. I take care of my mother who is ill, and they do not show the degree of love and concern that she deserves from them. She is your average mom, kind and good and caring all her life, we were never beaten or neglected or abused emotionally or psychologically. I know no one is perfect, but no harm was ever done to any of us.

These hypocrites all profess how much they love her when they do visit. One works a ten minute drive from our house and the other lives ten minutes away. But my sister who knows that my mom is more ill than usual, doesn't even call for four days to see how she is doing even after I leave her a message that I might have to take her to the emergency room and I need some advice, a brother who has only visited for 45 minutes in the last two months only comes by to ask if I can lend him money. There is more to tell, but you can see the picture I am trying to paint. Sadly, from talking to nurses and care providers, this is not an unusual family dynamic.

For two and a half years. I have tried everything from calm discussion to bluntly telling them that they are selfish and self-centered. If there was any improvement in their behavior, it lasted only a few weeks. I know I can't make them change, i thought that they just might see the light. But no. So now I want to stop considering them as a resource in my life and thinking of their failure as loving children - if they ceased to exist, it would be of no loss to me. They have become insignificant to me.

What i am after here, is some general advice on how I might be able to not let their presence in my life cause me such unhappiness. I am aware of coping tactics, and stress management techniques. However, my anger remains. Help. Thanks.

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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2012, 08:02:02 am »

I am sorry to read about your mothers poor condition, and hope she can and will get better soon.

Do you think it's possible that your siblings do love her, but can't stand seeing her so ill because it's too disturbing to them? Maybe they need some psychological help to cope with it. How old are they? What your sister did was pretty bad tho if she did get the message, not calling you back. Possibly, there is something they have against her that you're not aware of?

 The only way to get over this that I can think of at the moment is to forgive them one day if you truly can. There's still a chance they might change and even apologize to you.
My BF's father has been dead for years now, and he's still angry with him.  It will always be there because I know he can never forgive him, not that he should forgive him -he was a selfish, neglectful dick. Sad
I suppose I really shouldn't be preaching forgiveness -lol, since I don't always forgive and forget heavy issues.

That's weird. I visited your forum profile only 1 time ever and it shows that I've been there 18 times.
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2012, 02:04:06 pm »

Families can be really fucked up, to say the least. 

I eliminated the fucked up parts of my family from my life, despite my partner always trying to get me to give in,  and I'm much happier for it.   

Sadly, I realize you can't really do that due to your situation, but you can limit your exposure to the bad elements in some ways, by being short with your conversations with them and not giving into them; ie not lending them money. 
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« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2012, 12:09:39 am »

Thanks for responding. And thanks for your concern about my mom. Today, she is doing so much better and I think we are on the way to recovery. I didn't eat or sleep well for some days and was on the phone with nurses at 4:00 in the morning and stuff like that, so my nerves are raw and I am being weak and self-indulgent.

But now, I believe it is up to me to build up my armor and just not let them be a factor in my life. Just find some coping mechanism that will allow me to block all thoughts of them. That's about as close to forgiveness as I can get, it's more avoidance than anything else. But as long as I don't have to feel resentment and anger.

Thanks again for the support. Good luck to all of us.
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« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2012, 01:26:01 am »

I echo the concern shown above for your mum and am glad to hear that she is ok.

I am also concerned about you and your well being. Looking after ailing relatives is hard enough as it is and is harder still of you feel that you are not being supported by those from whom you expect (and deserve) support. What people like yourself sometimes don't recognize is that caring for someone is not merely an act of love or a duty that needs to be fulfilled but a full-time job and one that most people juggle with a full and demanding professional life. You have every right to feel stressed and hard done by.

Firstly where you live? (it gets less sinister i promise Cheesy) and what sort of supports and benefits might you be entitled to from your government as a carer (a term used in the UK for people in your situation) I would urge you to look into that unless you have already done so and if you have, then look again! The benefits may be monetary or social and can help with stresses both financial and emotional.

Secondly and this is important. It is OK to feel overwhelmed! It is OK to want a break and spend time on yourself! Most people feel it is a dereliction of duty to want time off from caring but it is an important element of caring for others. Taking time off gives you a chance to rejuvenate and come back better able to cope. This time off can range from day care for your mum, care package with support workers helping at home or even planned and temporary respite care for your mother in a residential/nursing home or even hospital. All of this will give you a chance to recharge and refresh. In the UK where I live this is arranged by the social services (based on your financial situation of course)

Thirdly your mother may be entitled to some sort of allowance and social care as well

Coming to the situation with your family. I agree with the above comment about their avoidance due to inability to deal with your mother's illness. Or they may just be a bunch of arse holes either way so long as they think you have everything under control it is unlikely that they will step forward. Call a family meeting if you have not already done so and talk about sharing of responsibility etc and how much everyone can and how much everyone should contribute. Make rotas or schedules accordingly. Ensure you include your mother so that she does not feel she has no say in her care. Keep a periodical review of the input with regular meetings which are convened atleast 2-3 weeks in advance so that no clashes arise in the diary last minute.

Lastly and most importantly. Severing ties with family is never an easy decision to make and I don't envy you. My only concern is that if you do you may close the door to potential help in future not just with your mum but with yourself and your loved ones. Make sure that looking after your mother does not mean putting your life on hold. I know it is a hard line to take but you have  a life to lead too! It is your life and your support systems for YOU that will matter in the long run.

I clearly haven't given you advice about how to deal with your family but hopefully given you food for thought about how the implications of the considerations you mentioned may affect you in the long term.

I sincerely hope everything works out for you.

Best wishes

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« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2012, 08:13:43 am »

It's nice to read that your mother is getting better. Smiley Maybe your siblings will be taken out of her will. Cheesy  raphjd and vara81 offered up some good advice. You gotta take care of yourself too. I know how stress and anger can take a lot out of you firsthand, and it can ruin your health too.  Give it some time, and maybe they'll come around.

Families can be really fucked up, to say the least.  

I eliminated the fucked up parts of my family from my life, despite my partner always trying to get me to give in,  and I'm much happier for it.  

Sadly, I realize you can't really do that due to your situation, but you can limit your exposure to the bad elements in some ways, by being short with your conversations with them and not giving into them; ie not lending them money.  

I guess I am like your partner in that way. I'm always trying to get people to get along or help the situation. What you said did cross my mind, but I didn't want to suggest that just yet, although it seems like it might be the best advice since he wouldn't be severing ties completely, at least for the time being. My mother and her sister haven't spoken to each other in ages, as in most of my life. Now my aunt is in a rest home and my mother is trying to contact her. It was my aunt who decided not to talk to my mom over something that shouldn't have mattered much, shit, it wasn't even my mom's decision, it was my father and he made the right decision.  I can't believe what a childish bitch my aunt is being, she's a jealous person too. Most of that side of the family sucks, and I'm not interesting in talking to any of them really.
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« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2014, 04:25:29 am »

there is a monster where I work. It's a fat cow she's a sales person, she brings money to the company, she thinks she's a manager. Our director don't say anything because each he tries she threats to leave and he 's afraid. She's harassing every one  that may be a threat for her.   
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« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2014, 08:53:05 pm »

Thankfully, I am able to forget and ignore such an assholes
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« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2015, 10:08:32 pm »

I ignore them...
Life is too short and I don`t want to waste my time on irellevant people...
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« Reply #9 on: February 23, 2015, 06:38:21 pm »

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, but it seems like you really do care for your family. Also sounds like you're pretty pissed off your siblings don't care about the person who provided all of you care when you were younger; pretty reasonable emotion to feel. Perhaps it may suit you to focus on caring for your mother, strengthen that bond between you and her. Your siblings may come and go. If they don't want to spend that time, that's fine. I'm sure your mother knows that it is you putting your time and effort to care for her. Cherish that, focus on it, dont let it go. Feeling angry at your siblings may take your attention away from caring for your mother, but I can understand your anger at your siblings.
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« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2015, 11:43:14 am »

Any of the horrible people in my life are dead so I don't have horrible people in my life.  It's a little odd however when someone will say to me "Oh I was talking to bla bla" and I don't know whether to question their ability to talk to the dead or their sanity.
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« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2015, 12:56:21 pm »

If they are not helping you towards a goal, nor impeding your own progress, then they are irrelevant and deserve no recognition. That's how I finally learned to deal with my family. I was pretty much in the same situation.
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« Reply #12 on: July 05, 2015, 10:04:33 pm »

just ignore
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« Reply #13 on: October 26, 2015, 06:39:56 am »

Hi Derekinsa,

I am Hiten from India. 35.

Well I am in a similar situation but I want to approach your problems in various angles.

First, the angle of your karma or deeds-

I must tell that you are very mature and a real adult unlike me who happens to run away at the slightest signal of discomfort.

 :cheers:So I must applaud you for what your putting up with. Cheers

I have seen mature people handle such situations easily and even getaway with good opinions from others and society(not that opinions matter but the sense of integrity you get from them matters).

These kind  are extremely well planned people who take things seriously but not too seriously and create plans without informing anyone.

These are the titans among us I must say and you seem to be on route to become one. You could find a similar person who juggles such duties effortlessly and get inspired.

The thing is that society literature and media gives us wrong information about taking care of family as a foolish thing to do or a sacrifice.

So you will see that if you are really 'equipped to deal' with these life problems you will easily deal with them and it is not a big sacrifice it is a calculated well planned life I would say, where you do what your mind says correct and also same time live a fruitful happier life.

Second angle- your mother

You need to take care of your mother because i feel only you are the right person the others are not equipped with any maturity whatsoever.

This deed will give you a sense of inner peace and happiness that you did what your heart told you to.

This is what sets great people away from others.

You are unique and bold.

So really you don't have to worry about the horrible people in your life because it is their loss from all these beautiful deeds and the inner peace and happiness that they can never accomplish. They are pure miserable.

Third angle - your career

You need to become 'more' empowered this i will tell to each member from a minority like gays or whatever.


This ensures you have more money and power to complete not just your duties but also complete the goal of your life.

Your prime focus now must be your goal and career i will stress because that can give you financial and other freedom.

Take a new house buy properties become rich! It is possible.

Plan a tour with your mum or keep your mum in nursing home and find time to rejuvenate.

Try to create a well planned life where your career and health is of prime importance.

Try to get a 'trustable' worker or a servant who could help you out at home front.

Try to get a life long partner who could guide you and support you in all ways to live a great life.

These three are you angles and forget about those morons who irritate you or trouble you just concentrate on your goals for now more and you will see how silly the other troubles are.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xpToY-n79c

]Heres a link from youtube on how to deal with such a family [url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xpToY-n79c.]]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xpToY-n79c.]]Heres a link from youtube on how to deal with such a family [url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xpToY-n79c.][/url][/url]

 



« Last Edit: October 26, 2015, 06:46:46 am by (Hidden) » Logged


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« Reply #14 on: November 08, 2015, 12:10:53 pm »

I just try to ignore them
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« Reply #15 on: November 08, 2015, 01:58:53 pm »

Don't give a sh*t Wink probably the easiest way to deal with stupid people and their stuffs
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« Reply #16 on: December 23, 2015, 07:26:53 am »

Usually, I will ignore them and handle my own business and focus on people I care about. But, still, being a member of my family sometimes it's difficult for me to not think about them, but what else can I do? If you told them to behave more appropriately and start to take their place in the family, yet they don't do it... It's like you want to save them but they don't wanna be saved...

If they aregrown ups, they should've been realized about their status in your family and help you taking care of your mother. I guess they really have issues. I think you should invite both of your siblings to have heart-to-heart, serious conversation about their attitudes, if you haven't. And if they remain apathetic... Don't think about them that much. But still, just keep in touch with them for some time.

I have an estranged uncle from my mother's side and an aunt. All of our family members used to be very close and now they treat us like strangers. I have no idea why they changed. But I still keep in touch with their sons, my cousins, because we are pretty close. I just hope when we grow up, we wouldn't be like them.

Hope your mother get well soon.
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« Reply #17 on: December 24, 2015, 12:10:50 pm »

cut them out
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« Reply #18 on: January 11, 2016, 04:55:34 am »

I try to ignore my father who is an ass but he does acts like he asks for it!
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