This post seems to be a long time ago..
i'm curious how things worked out eventually.
May I speak my opinion that seems too late after two years. I quite agree with the "sexual maturity" statement someone made up there, since I'm exactly the age that 19-yr brat was two years ago, which reminds of a gazillion of examples I've encountered of guys being in their teens or early twenties who argue who'd be the one to fuck and to be fucked. It bothers me a lot since I'm that kinda person who find flip-fucking a huge turn-on and gets disappointed easily when someone insists not to be fucked. (I have that Hemorrhoid problem too, which is a huge bummer and I'm seriously considering getting rid of it officially through surgery) And in their position, sex is all about "penetrating and being penetrated" if they are not into other sexual activities. I regard spanking as one fairly important role in my life, as both in sexual intercourse and individual's life-long well-being, which requires more investment one's mental performances than his physical behaviors.
Not knowing what the result turned out to be, I would hold my comment as making advice. Actually i should be asking questions...
You probably remember me best as LBC from another site
The whole Spanking and Discipline bonding that is created between 2 men takes a certain kind of sexual maturity that most 19 year old's just would not understand or appreciate. I really think that was shown by his "not if I can't fuck you" statement ~ a real lack of sexual maturity. My second clue is the dancer/actor description ~ cliche but often true ~ they are very self centered to begin with and therefore I do not believe he could ever wrap his head around the complex sexual dynamic you desire.
The only option you have is to be very blunt about your desires and see if he is willing to give it a go both passive and active ~ at least from my perceived understanding of your desires. If he had a bad experience you have to explain that he was with a true Sadist who had no respect for boundaries. Explain in detail how things would and should work with you as his partner ~ he knows you are not that jerk at least by now. The risk of slowly breaking him into Spanking and Discipline considering his bad past experience could be dangerous for your relationship and his mental well being.
Sometime you have to risk it all to have it all.
Good luck and best wishes for success.