How do I know I can tell a specific friend that I'm gay?
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Author Topic: How do I know I can tell a specific friend that I'm gay?  (Read 24508 times)
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« on: June 22, 2014, 05:46:22 pm »

It really scares me to death to loose a friend just for that. Are there any signs for knowing that?
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« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2014, 10:30:51 am »

I guess there is no "specific criteria" if you asking me...

My first came out was to my first roommate (male) while in college. We're very close or I can say that we're best friend. Before that happened, he one of the few that I share and tell everything. He's not judgement. Though we're close, we're very different, in and out, everything just different between us. But, one thing that I'm sure 100%, I can TRUST him.

Well, I didn't have the strength at the time to tell him. It was when I moved thousands miles away from him, I moved to another university. Then I called him and told him that I missed him, and eventually came out. He was OK with that and somehow didn't really surprise. After that, we're still close, though we never meet again, already 5 years now. We still called each other and facebook. Nothing changed between us. The funny part, he promise me to find a guy for me haha Grin

My second came out was to some my friends in my second college. In fact 3 of them in one hit. Yes! They're my my best friend too. Like I said, it was TRUST. It took my two years to completely gave my story to them. I was scare to hell at the time that I might loose them. But, they're not. It's just me. In fact, we never that close before I came out.

That's my story about coming out to friend. Maybe won't answer your question, but I hope it help. Good luck. Big hug
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« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2014, 12:12:25 pm »

So it all happened because you felt you could trust them? Seems still pretty risky to me but it makes sense. Guess there is not really a safe way to know you can tell a friend that you're gay. Thanks for sharing your experience. It helped me.
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« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2014, 04:28:04 pm »

So it all happened because you felt you could trust them?

It sounds easy but it's not and far more complicated than that. The last 3 of my friend I came out is highly religion people
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
But, it happened. I was scared to death at the time that they would hate me. But, it's not. I can TRUST them. This is now heart speaking, not just thinking. If just my brain speaking, believe me, I couldn't done it. Too much worried.

Anyway, anything that related to "friend" is actually complicated. Some of us have luck to have a good friend but some of us not. I think you have your own strategy to win this. You'll figure it out. Just open tour eyes and heart. You'll be wondered  Cheesy
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« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2014, 03:05:25 pm »

It really scares me to death to loose a friend just for that. Are there any signs for knowing that?
In case you lose somebody, he isn't a friend. So he doesn't worth to think about. Bullying and dissociation with the rest of society - the only things that are really frightening. But it all depends on the kind of personality you are. You should agree, it's impossible to scare everyone ) The second thing that matters is your ability to recognize the other people and predict their behaviour - whether they want to harm you or not.

I live in the most homophobic country of Europe - Russia. But even here lots of people tend to respect your personality more than hate your sexual orientation. I wouldn't come out to any religious fanatic, a street mobster or something. I agree, that the key thing in any decision is your trust to your friend - it works everywhere.

I haven't ever told anything to anyone of my relatives - I don't belive somebody could understand me. But I came out dozen of times to other people I knew long enough. Reactions were quite different - from temporary split in any relationship till close friendship. But I wouldn't say I've ever regret. At least I know from now on - the hardest come out is the first one )) - every next becomes much easier.

Sorry for my French )))
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« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2014, 11:00:11 pm »

You see I've known people that are quite kind hearted, but they have conservative ideologies wich I can't change, does that mean they are not my friends because my homosexuality clashes with their ideologies? I know it is not good of them to think like that, but they are good people, but yeah I wouldn't feel like telling any of them that I'm gay so you got a point there. Speaking of people I believe to be more open minded, I'm not quite sure what to expect from them; while some of them could be easygoing about it, some could become cold towards me (you know starting to get freaked out with the slightest try of physical contact. Eg. a hug, a friendly touch on the shoulder etc. And noticing your relationship with a friend turns tense is what really scares me cause it feels horrible. And the worst part is yet to come.

I've met a guy that is really nice towards me, and is always concerned about my well being, he is such a good friend, but the reason I started talking to him in the first place was because he is really good looking (In fact, most of the girls of my campus have crush for him). He has even introduced me to some of his girlfriends! And while most of the time I think I can be just friends with him, from time to time I dream about him and can't get him out of my head for the whole day. It's like the flames of hell burning me already!  Cry

uhh... you mean your english don't you? and I think it is way better than mine so I shoud be the one apologizing. Don't worry.  Wink   
« Last Edit: June 30, 2014, 11:04:42 pm by (Hidden) » Logged


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« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2014, 03:16:42 am »

I've met a guy that is really nice towards me, and is always concerned about my well being, he is such a good friend, but the reason I started talking to him in the first place was because he is really good looking (In fact, most of the girls of my campus have crush for him). He has even introduced me to some of his girlfriends! And while most of the time I think I can be just friends with him, from time to time I dream about him and can't get him out of my head for the whole day. It's like the flames of hell burning me already!  Cry

This more complicated that I thought. You have a crush on him, that's why make it lot harder. When feeling included, sometimes everything seem "grey". In this case, you have really really careful. Remember, "be careful what you wish for..."

I had the same situation years back. It was drive me crazy. And to be honest, thank God I didn't tell him. If I did, it would ruined everything.
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« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2014, 05:54:54 am »

Indeed, I would give anything to keep his friendship, he is one of the coolest guys I've met and I think he is a real friend. I wish I could stop liking him. Yes I feel bad when I don't get to see him, and that's not normal cause if I were really seenig him just as a friend I wouldn't get so pissed off whenever I don't get to see him, and knowing how good of a person he was just made my feelings for him stronger. Is there a way to get rid of such feelings? I really want him to be my best friend instead of my imposible heartthrob.
« Last Edit: July 01, 2014, 06:48:08 am by (Hidden) » Logged


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« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2014, 06:27:48 am »

I wish I could stop liking him.

Please don't. Maybe the best way to solve this is to transfer that energy (liking him) to something else that would make your bond of you together stronger but low risky hurting him, or hurting each others.
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« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2014, 06:56:33 am »

Please don't. Maybe the best way to solve this is to transfer that energy (liking him) to something else that would make your bond of you together stronger but low risky hurting him, or hurting each others.

how? I could really use a good advice in this tense situation.
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« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2014, 08:15:29 am »

does that mean they are not my friends because my homosexuality clashes with their ideologies?
I've never considered to be a friend anyone who isn't open-minded enough, so that's not a case for me. I know for sure we wouldn't ever find a mutual understanding. As for me friendship is not about appearance - it's all about mind. Btw I'm an explicit introvert, so I'm not very concerned about the other people opinions ))

I think I can be just friends with him, from time to time I dream about him and can't get him out of my head for the whole day. It's like the flames of hell burning me already!  Cry
That's the problem. And now I think it has nothing to do with a friendship... it is some other four letter word, like this. Be sure - falling in love with a straight guy is, maybe, the most common experience of every gay. Sooner or later it will happen. Just be prepared to live a hard gay's life. And there is really nothing to suggest.
« Last Edit: July 01, 2014, 08:23:46 am by (Hidden) » Logged


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« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2014, 09:09:23 am »

I think I can be just friends with him, from time to time I dream about him and can't get him out of my head for the whole day. It's like the flames of hell burning me already!  Cry
That's the problem. And now I think it has nothing to do with a friendship... it is some other four letter word, like this. Be sure - falling in love with a straight guy is, maybe, the most common experience of every gay. Sooner or later it will happen. Just be prepared to live a hard gay's life. And there is really nothing to suggest.
You don't get it, he is the best friend I had in a long time, I don't wanna lose his friendship, and I'm well aware that a love relationship between us is imposible, if I have a crush for him, then you're implying I can't be friends with him? That's harsh dude, specially because he is my friend before he is my crush in priority. I'm guessing you've had a lot of hard things to overcome in the past, and I admire that, there is nothing else I can say I don't wanna offend you.
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« Reply #12 on: July 14, 2014, 04:44:08 pm »

To answer your question--the best way to find out if you can tell someone or not is find out how they feel about gays. Listen to his comments about anything gay-related or gay people.  See how he responds to other people when the subject of homosexuality comes up.  If he seems indifferent or even mildly supportive, he may be okay to tell. Even if he isn't, if you trust him enough, go with your gut feeling.  If the reaction is not what you expected, then you'll know he wasn't as much your friend as you'd thought.

I've had crushes on straight guys myself in the past. As RobinBad suggested, it's probably the most common experience for gays.  In my case, my brain knew he was straight, but my desire for him clouded my judgement and made every little glance or touch he gave me seem way more important than it was. He also already knew I was gay, so I figured pretty early on that there was no way anything more could happen between us. But my crush was so strong…the way I stomped it out was to just tell him I liked him. It was embarrassing but I knew that if I did that, I'd get my direct answer and I could let that annoying little hope die. Luckily for me, he was a very polite, non judgmental and understanding guy (one of the reasons I liked him XD) and it didn't worsen our relationship. I was able to stop waiting for something to happen with him and found other people to spend time with, which took my mind off of him.

I'm not suggesting you do what I did, but you will need to ask yourself--why you want him to know this about you? Is it because you LIKE LIKE him? Or is it because you consider him a close friend and want to entrust him with an intimate detail of your life? If you like him that much, and feel that he is your best friend, you'll find a way to tell him. If your relationship is genuine, he'll find a way to accept it and you will be happy with that acceptance.  It won't be easy, but it may not be as difficult as you think.  Remember that your brain and heart operate differently and will give you mixed signals. It's normal to have a little hope that something more could develop between you, however unlikely it may be. Make sure that you are prepared to give that hope up.

You ARE taking a risk by telling him….but know that your friendship will be even stronger if you can tell him and he accepts you as you are.
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« Reply #13 on: September 03, 2014, 10:03:54 am »

I came out to my friends recently and they're ok with it. Honestly, I didn't mind the consequences whether they would accept me or not. For me, if they don't like me just for being gay, then fine - it's their loss. I'm more of a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. I hope that your friends are accepting and loving too.  Azn
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« Reply #14 on: September 03, 2014, 02:09:17 pm »

If they love you, they should just rediscover you! One of my dearest friends told me 10 years ago, when I came out, that she felt that she has to get to know me all over again. It was the sweetest thing anyone ever told me!
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« Reply #15 on: September 03, 2014, 05:45:40 pm »

If they love you, they should just rediscover you! One of my dearest friends told me 10 years ago, when I came out, that she felt that she has to get to know me all over again. It was the sweetest thing anyone ever told me!

That's indeed sweet. It's nice to have good friends.  Smiley
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« Reply #16 on: September 03, 2014, 06:00:15 pm »

The only friend I ever lost touch with for that reason is a straight school mate of mine... We could no longer put up with each other's life style and I do understand this.
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« Reply #17 on: September 03, 2014, 09:40:31 pm »

By my experience, trusting your intuition is best. I had made what you'd call a "best friend" on 10th grade. We were really quick to get to know each other. We met at September for the first time, I remember I came out to him 2 months later and as I expected, he was okay with it. I was confident about his open-mindedness so I went on to even confess my kinky side and all went well.
If you aren't sure like I was in the situation above, another way is to get to hear their view on homosexuality. It's probably the safest and most effective way if you have the patience and the skills to draw his opinion out. For example, after my so-called "best friend" wanted to have more friends than just one and stopped talking to me (having me as a friend caused a lot of people to avoid him since he was hanging out with an expressionless weird guy), I started talking with another guy who at first sight seemed somewhat mature and smart, though not a great student. I managed to indirectly mention homosexuality, knowing he wouldn't resist commenting on it. His view was completely immature, could easily be related to the opinion a person from the middle ages would have and he was immensely radiating insecurity. This caused me to gradually withdraw from this person.

On side note, I experimented by telling a trustworthy, smart, but religious girl I sometimes talked to at school via Facebook. It worked well, better than I initially expected, even though she was hesitant on accepting homosexuality. It probably gave her space and time to think it over.
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« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2014, 08:14:33 pm »

By my experience, trusting your intuition is best. I had made what you'd call a "best friend" on 10th grade. We were really quick to get to know each other. We met at September for the first time, I remember I came out to him 2 months later and as I expected, he was okay with it. I was confident about his open-mindedness so I went on to even confess my kinky side and all went well.
If you aren't sure like I was in the situation above, another way is to get to hear their view on homosexuality. It's probably the safest and most effective way if you have the patience and the skills to draw his opinion out. For example, after my so-called "best friend" wanted to have more friends than just one and stopped talking to me (having me as a friend caused a lot of people to avoid him since he was hanging out with an expressionless weird guy).

Oh that's very sad. Sad So in the end he wasn't really your best friend because he was more concerned for his popularity than your friendship.

   Bytheway, talking about my specific friend, one day I invited him to stay at my home one weekend, kinda like "Pijama party" or so. And before going asleep the first night we spent a little time chatting so I asked him about 2 guys he introduced me, that are obviously gay at first sight, about if he was still in touch with them, and this is what he told me: "actually not much anymore, you know they are gay right? Well you see, we were mates at one optional subject class, so one day we went for lunch together, and meanwhile, they kept asking me who of us you think the most pretty? And other kind of very personal and uncomfortable questions. So from that day on I do greet them when we cross paths, but nothing else."  So then I asked him: so, are you uncomfortable with gay people? Then he answered: I don't know, maybe only those who are intrusive and scandalous". I really don't know what conclusions to make form that. Anyway, we spent a long time without seeing each other during summer and after vacation we cross paths in the school and he was really glad to see me, he even hugged me twice in front of many of his classmates (I must say we're not in the same grade, but he's the kind of popular and charming guy who makes friends with almost everyone)  one for hello and one for good-bye. That was the sweetest thing a friend of mine has done. Something tells me I can entrust him my secret, but at the same time I'm not so sure and scared of losing him. My intuition is a bit confused.
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« Reply #19 on: September 24, 2014, 05:21:56 am »

It really scares me to death to loose a friend just for that. Are there any signs for knowing that?
You need to be clever in this case. When you're out point him that you think the guy across the street is gay and ask your friend what does he think about that. Also, ask him what does he think about gays in general. If you detect any sign of aggression - you better speak of it no more and keep your mouth shut.
I did that once and it turned out the guy who I thought he was my best friend doesn't deserver that title at all. He once said if he discovered I had "gone to the left" (that's a Bulgarian expression I can't translate in a better way) he would send me to the ER in a comma.
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