Too Much Casual Sex & No Bf
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« on: October 17, 2015, 01:07:09 am »

I've been a regular grindr user and have got laid with tonnes of hot guys.
The problem is that is it. One or two bangs and they vanish.

I have liked a handful of the guys beyond sexually.

My top 3:

One guy moved to another state in the US, and I'm in the UK, so that didn't work.
One guy I walked back to his hotel, we kissed etc in public, he offered for me to stay with him in Australia when I visited, after 2 weeks (post-going back) he stops messaging.
One guy got a bf but is still open to getting a drink.

I am sick of just banging I want more. I have done my best to turn it into a relationship but it seems because they can just find someone else to shag there is just no 'need' for a relationship despite several of them saying I'm hot/wonderful/best sex they had etc.

What do I do?

ps please no statements like 'it will happen when it does' as I've ponded a lot of a$$ now and if none of these have worked out I'm not hopeful.
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« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2015, 05:12:59 am »

I can understand where you're coming from sweetie, I also had an extremely hard time trying to find a guy that was grounded enough to settle down with me. Before I got my boyfriend, I was kind of like you. Except, I didn't really use Grindr to get with guys, it was more of me flirting or seducing guys when I went out to college parties. And the novelty of waking up in a bed with more than one person wore down really quickly. Those were during my college years, deep throating athletes, being gangbanged by a fraternity I wasn't even pledged to, and more.

When I finally graduated(three years ago) I found myself travelling a lot more because of my work, and whenever a I got into a different country, I would always make it a point to find some gay club, bar, or district to find a guy that would pound me into oblivion. The novelty of foreign penis never wore down, but everything was so casual and that felt wrong to me.

I realized I wanted something more. Kind of like what you and it took me two years or searching. I myself through a non-casual sex cleanse and went out looking for a guy with the standards I set myself. Because, it starts with flirting and looks, but it's how you interact with a person. You have to look, act and talk like you want more than just a casual bang. Refusing first date sex and one night stands is key in finding the solution to your problems. Try a few gay bars, maybe a dating site or group. It's definitely going to take a while, because not everyone will match your standards, but it'll increase your perspective on how to find guys that want to have a relationship and maybe, settle down the future. You also need to present yourself beyond your looks and general hotness, because men who want to settles down want to see more than just your body

 And, always each time you try, always convince yourself that this time will be better the the last. I know it sounds corny but it helps.

The gay community is continuously evolving and young gays are enjoying the more casual side of sex, and a lot of them don't outgrow that specific. It may take you longer to find what your looking for, but it'll be worth it when you do. Trust me.
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« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2015, 09:30:35 am »

In my early 20s I had a lot of casual sex, but like you I wanted more. The way I saw it was to have fun until I met the right guy who to wanted to settle down. This didnt happen until I was 26 and 12 years later we are still together.

Eventually you will find the guy you like who you want to settle with who feels the same. Just hang in there and keep looking!
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« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2015, 11:32:32 am »

How about instead of fucking everything with a postcode, you go on some dates and meet people in intelligent surroundings?

It's highly unlikely that you'll find true love on a hook-up app.  :Smiley
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« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2015, 01:00:40 pm »

I did join normal dating websites. It results in:
1. Send me your face pic, you are hot/cute, send me cock pics, lets bang. I'm not going to say 'no' if he's hot.
2. Send me your face pic, you look nice but I'm only looking for dates, I agree, we meet up at my place, I start talking and they jump on me like they have never had sex in their life (happened today actually).
3. Let's date, then they ask 1 million questions, then never meet up with you. Or swap tonnes of face pics then vanish. Time wasters in general.
4. Rejections (but rarely I care about this as the ones I like tend to reply).

I'm a top too so I feel sometimes guys just use me for a bang as there are too many gay guys who are up to give up their bottom but not actually do any of the work lol.

The guy I *really* liked beyond sexually was the Aussie guy. He spoke about how he wanted to settle, we seemed on the same tangent, we kept in touch after our shag once he was bak in Melbourne, but now he's totally vanished too despite saying I could stay with him over xmas this year. Idk what is going on Sad

Its not even like I want to marry / settle with anyone in a massive committed way - just a bf at this point would be great. Idk why I am struggling so much to get one when nearly every other dude on grindr is 'partnered' or 'in a relationship'. Wtf.
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« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2015, 03:46:37 pm »

If I was in UK I'd love to date you and see what happens.
I'm also sick of the guys who only want to have sex, and majority of the gay guys are like that.
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« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2015, 04:00:06 pm »

Most other people would be polite to you in responding to a thread like this, and the reason why I wasn't in my last post was because there are countless men — straight and gay — who feel the same as you do. It's not because of other people, though. It's because of you. Obviously nobody else has told you where you're going wrong so I may as well. I'll try my best not to condescend.

1. You are too focused on looks. Yeah, you're probably not going to fall in love with someone you think is hideous, but maybe if you genuinely do want love, you should lower your standards and stop seeking guys that look sexually attractive to you, but more boyfriend material. As in, it doesn't matter if he's average looking, because his personality will make him more attractive to you if you're compatible. As in, instead of clicking or tapping on the guy's photo with the six-pack abs, visit the page with the references to things you like to do that aren't casual sex. Like sports or video games or hiking or whatever.

2. Do some soul searching. Instead of looking elsewhere and wondering why everyone just wants to bang and leave, maybe you should consider more into what it is that you're actually looking for in a man rather than just looking at his hot face and his hot body and then organising a meet-up. Take things more slowly!

3. You don't have to always say 'yes'. I know this is rude of me, but it's true. Maybe if you start saying 'no' instead of jumping into bed with anyone that you find attractive, you'll start feeling like you have more control and maybe then other men will take you more seriously. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with doing what you are doing, but if you're actually looking for a serious, adult relationship, you need to broaden your horizons outside of your type, start taking more control and rely more on your mind for romantic and physical paths rather than your penis.
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« Reply #7 on: October 17, 2015, 04:47:53 pm »

that's true.
you can't really go on a sexdate and expect it will evolve into something more - it rarely happens.
it's better to just go and hang out with guys who are only looking for friends, and if there's chemistry - something will eventually happen. and even if it doesn't - it won't really hurt to have one more friend in your live Wink
also, don't just date guys who you find super hot, give a chance to those who may not be your "ideal" guy, but still have at least something that attracts you. when I met my last boyfriend - I didn't find him really much attractive and thought we'll just be friends and then within two months I fell in love with him and he became more attractive to me than any superbuilt guy. It was all about the way he made me feel, not about how he looks. we had a great chemistry together and that was the main thing.
never go just for looks, even if you end up together - people get older and looks change all the time so in time they'll be less and less attractive to you if the main thing that attracts you is somebody's physical appearance.

so in summary - don't just drool over hot pics, and cross the guys who are only looking for sex. if something more that sex isn't an option right from the start then it's unreal to expect it.
I know there are lots of those who say they want something more and then they just jump on you (like you said), but when that happens tell them you're not up for that. you don't have to accept every sex offer.

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« Reply #8 on: October 17, 2015, 05:16:45 pm »

In my early 20s I had a lot of casual sex, but like you I wanted more. The way I saw it was to have fun until I met the right guy who to wanted to settle down. This didnt happen until I was 26 and 12 years later we are still together.

Eventually you will find the guy you like who you want to settle with who feels the same. Just hang in there and keep looking!

I was a late bloomer and had nothing before I came out, and very little after.  My first time with a guy was nothing more than a blowjob, but I fell head over heals only to be dropped like a stone and discover how the "gay sex/dating/romance world" worked.  That made me build such a huge wall of defence that very few got even close enough for a kiss.  Then I met this guy, he had a lot more experience than me and had been around the block so to speak, but we really hit it off and 17 years later we are still together.

We weren't looking for sex or a boyfriend when we met, just mates and it grew from there with very little effort and none of the bullshit a lot of people seem to have, it just came so natural.  Yes people tried to split us up, tried to hit on one or the other but nothing got in the way.  Do either of us have an amazing body "NO" are either of us drop dead gorgeous "NO" we are just average guys who didn't go looking for love, it found us.
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« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2015, 05:29:02 pm »

I did join normal dating websites. It results in:
1. Send me your face pic, you are hot/cute, send me cock pics, lets bang. I'm not going to say 'no' if he's hot.
2. Send me your face pic, you look nice but I'm only looking for dates, I agree, we meet up at my place, I start talking and they jump on me like they have never had sex in their life (happened today actually).
3. Let's date, then they ask 1 million questions, then never meet up with you. Or swap tonnes of face pics then vanish. Time wasters in general.
4. Rejections (but rarely I care about this as the ones I like tend to reply).

I'm a top too so I feel sometimes guys just use me for a bang as there are too many gay guys who are up to give up their bottom but not actually do any of the work lol.

The guy I *really* liked beyond sexually was the Aussie guy. He spoke about how he wanted to settle, we seemed on the same tangent, we kept in touch after our shag once he was bak in Melbourne, but now he's totally vanished too despite saying I could stay with him over xmas this year. Idk what is going on Sad

Its not even like I want to marry / settle with anyone in a massive committed way - just a bf at this point would be great. Idk why I am struggling so much to get one when nearly every other dude on grindr is 'partnered' or 'in a relationship'. Wtf.

I would suggest trying to interact with the Aussie guy this Christmas. Confront him about your feelings? Ask about why he hasn't contacted you for a long time?

If you want to get in a relationship with him, at elast try your hardest before branching out.
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« Reply #10 on: October 17, 2015, 05:29:40 pm »

In my early 20s I had a lot of casual sex, but like you I wanted more. The way I saw it was to have fun until I met the right guy who to wanted to settle down. This didnt happen until I was 26 and 12 years later we are still together.

Eventually you will find the guy you like who you want to settle with who feels the same. Just hang in there and keep looking!

I was a late bloomer and had nothing before I came out, and very little after.  My first time with a guy was nothing more than a blowjob, but I fell head over heals only to be dropped like a stone and discover how the "gay sex/dating/romance world" worked.  That made me build such a huge wall of defence that very few got even close enough for a kiss.  Then I met this guy, he had a lot more experience than me and had been around the block so to speak, but we really hit it off and 17 years later we are still together.

We weren't looking for sex or a boyfriend when we met, just mates and it grew from there with very little effort and none of the bullshit a lot of people seem to have, it just came so natural.  Yes people tried to split us up, tried to hit on one or the other but nothing got in the way.  Do either of us have an amazing body "NO" are either of us drop dead gorgeous "NO" we are just average guys who didn't go looking for love, it found us.

That's a lovely story. Congrats.  hugging
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« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2015, 05:31:37 pm »

that's true.
you can't really go on a sexdate and expect it will evolve into something more - it rarely happens.
it's better to just go and hang out with guys who are only looking for friends, and if there's chemistry - something will eventually happen. and even if it doesn't - it won't really hurt to have one more friend in your live Wink
also, don't just date guys who you find super hot, give a chance to those who may not be your "ideal" guy, but still have at least something that attracts you. when I met my last boyfriend - I didn't find him really much attractive and thought we'll just be friends and then within two months I fell in love with him and he became more attractive to me than any superbuilt guy. It was all about the way he made me feel, not about how he looks. we had a great chemistry together and that was the main thing.
never go just for looks, even if you end up together - people get older and looks change all the time so in time they'll be less and less attractive to you if the main thing that attracts you is somebody's physical appearance.

so in summary - don't just drool over hot pics, and cross the guys who are only looking for sex. if something more that sex isn't an option right from the start then it's unreal to expect it.
I know there are lots of those who say they want something more and then they just jump on you (like you said), but when that happens tell them you're not up for that. you don't have to accept every sex offer.



Very true.
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« Reply #12 on: October 19, 2015, 12:22:33 am »

I did message the Aussie guy to spend time with him / live with him / visit him over Xmas. He was completely cool with it a week ago and now vanished from vibe and whatsapp. I have no other contact info... kinda heartbroken. Really liked it (more than sexually) he was a nice bf type guy. Sigh.
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« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2020, 10:31:38 pm »

I have been to various therapists with no insight on what to improve/change.
I am really lost. I am getting older and still can't land a date and/or bf and it is really sucking.
I tried every app and made connections but its just chat chat chat, they literally never meet just for a coffee or anything. Offer sex, and they are at your door.
I do have sex with the ones I like still, but the fact that they vanish after and don't invest further is also confusing (as this is a *lot* of guys).
I find it hard to believe that every guy I slept with is emotionally unavailable. Not sure what is going on really or how to improve.
I definitely don't sleep with anyone that sends an invitation (I used to) but if sex is the only way I can physically also meet another gay guy for real conversation then the system is really broken also.
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« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2020, 05:47:41 pm »

I met my current partner in grindr two years ago and still together  Smiley

I had met some others before and most of them were cool, but some others were a bit weirdos: one of them just wanted to fuck (no matter he included in his profile "looking for a relationship"), another one wanted to have a very serious relationshing (after having talked for only 3 hours)...
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« Reply #15 on: June 17, 2020, 11:16:34 pm »

I met my current partner in grindr two years ago and still together  Smiley

I had met some others before and most of them were cool, but some others were a bit weirdos: one of them just wanted to fuck (no matter he included in his profile "looking for a relationship"), another one wanted to have a very serious relationshing (after having talked for only 3 hours)...

Yeah. I don't think GR is a bad app. Just the guys make excuses sometimes...
But if you click you click. Don't get why using an app or otherwise matters.
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