Is it moral for a gay to marry with a woman under social pressure?
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Author Topic: Is it moral for a gay to marry with a woman under social pressure?  (Read 6531 times)
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« on: March 30, 2016, 05:45:00 pm »

i think it is not…..
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« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2016, 05:54:59 pm »

It depends on where you are (situational ethics: shocking!). In most western countries, I'd say definitely not: there may be exceptions like Jamaica and Russia. But if you're in a place where you need a wife as a shield against life-threatening allegations, then I think it becomes moral to lie (assuming the woman has to be deceived) in order to protect your life.
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« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2016, 06:02:47 pm »

Is it moral or acceptable that a gay man should be put under so much social pressure that he feels he has no option than to marry a woman.  Shouldn't that be the question and shouldn't we address this issue rather than blaming the gay man for his actions?
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« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2016, 06:30:31 pm »


"Is it moral or acceptable that a gay man[...]to marry a woman "
gays have married women for ages in western societies. I dont see any problem with that. Others, just never married and it was perfectly fine.( great names like Turing, Proust..) I'm here of course speaking for UK, France, Germany. Until very very recently it seems, suddenly, what worked for thousands of years is now a problem, because modern societies are all about "number one". Therefore any minorities nowadays try to make the society change their behavior instead of adapting to it.
Now of course I can't speak for the third and fourth worlds.
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« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2016, 10:28:05 pm »

i'm afraid you will both end up unhappy. don't ruin her life..this is so wrong dude
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« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2016, 07:38:40 am »

Is it moral or acceptable that a gay man should be put under so much social pressure that he feels he has no option than to marry a woman.  Shouldn't that be the question and shouldn't we address this issue rather than blaming the gay man for his actions?

^ THAT
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« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2016, 03:22:54 am »

It's immoral if the woman doesn't know about it. What kind of spouse would you be if you didn't even trust them with your sexuality? How much pressure could there be to FORCE you to marry? But I think there are very special cases, where you ask a woman you trust completely to keep up the charade and ideally agree that both are you are free to pursue other people. It's very complicated for this kind of relationship to be moral because both parties need to fully agree and be fully satisfied with it. If either party is asexual, then thats perfectly fine. If one of them wants to have sex, they should be free to pursue other people. Does someone want not just a spouse in writing or a life partner? Then you might not be able to be so free to see other people without hurting the other.

The whole situation is fucked up. And this would have been completely avoided if homosexuality was accepted. But understand what this kind of decision means for you and for the person you're deciding to marry.
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« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2016, 05:09:16 am »

In my view it depends.  In countries where open homosexuality does not endanger one's life, and where marriage is presumed to be a matter of romantic love, I think one owes the woman (and oneself!) honesty. 

There might still be reasons to get married (continuing the family line for some conservative families, as is often still true in a number of countries), but I think lying to the woman about the reasons for the marriage might be immoral.  Are arranged marriages common in the country in question?  Then it might be moral depending on the expectations of that arrangement -- romantic love might not be a requirement. 

Where open homosexuality is dangerous, that changes the equation.  Can one safely remain unmarried?  That might be the most moral cause of action.  If not, I still think it's preferable to be honest with a life partner, even if one does not feel romantic love for them, but that might mean exposing oneself too much.  Ideally one would find a lesbian to marry who has the same reasons to keep her true nature a secret, or an asexual person who doesn't care about the sexual side at all.  But if one can't be honest because it is just too dangerous, at least one should be decent to the woman one marries, choose somebody one can respect and love as a person, and treat them well. 

Indeed, it's not moral that a gay person is not accepted as they are, and I don't feel one owes such a society any moral behaviour in turn, but it's not the spouse's fault that the situation is so fucked up that one needs to conduct a sham marriage to save one's own life.  I do think one needs to have one's own moral standards even if one's society is less than moral.
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« Reply #8 on: April 01, 2016, 02:55:15 pm »

The woman who doesnt know she is marrying a man who is not sexually attracted to her would definitely think its is wrong.
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« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2016, 06:54:55 pm »

This is so very sad that it's even being considered in 2016. Of course it's wrong. It's a lie to her, it's a lie to your children, and worst of all, it's a lie to yourself and throwing away your one short life.
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« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2016, 09:59:55 pm »


i'm afraid you will both end up unhappy. don't ruin her life..this is so wrong dude

It could turn out however that the guy is not 100% gay..

 Cheesy



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« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2016, 07:04:43 am »

I don't think it is moral. It would ruin not only your life but the woman's as well and potentially that of the future children. Having said that in some cultures it is very common for gay men to marry women in order to shield themselves from the 'Negative consequences/Allegations' that come with being homosexual.
But in South Asia where I come from it is a very common practice. One of my friends said that when you are pressured into marrying a woman though you're not sexually attracted to her and have children with her, while you can't keep your attractions to men latent, so you tend to meet men in secret. And when you do have children, you become very attached to them and the whole thing becomes really complicated. I've heard of gay men marrying lesbians in 'Marriages of convenience'.
At 29 people are beginning to ask me when I'm getting married etc, and my family has been approached by match-makers. So far I've been able to resist with lies and half-truths  Undecided
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« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2016, 08:50:59 pm »

Is it moral or acceptable that a gay man should be put under so much social pressure that he feels he has no option than to marry a woman.  Shouldn't that be the question and shouldn't we address this issue rather than blaming the gay man for his actions?

It is immoral to shift blame for one's own actions onto someone else. It's your choice to marry someone you aren't attracted to and ruin her life. That's your call and only you are responsible. Blaming society is such a cop out.

"Is it moral or acceptable that a gay man[...]to marry a woman "
gays have married women for ages in western societies. I dont see any problem with that. Others, just never married and it was perfectly fine.( great names like Turing, Proust..) I'm here of course speaking for UK, France, Germany. Until very very recently it seems, suddenly, what worked for thousands of years is now a problem, because modern societies are all about "number one". Therefore any minorities nowadays try to make the society change their behavior instead of adapting to it.
Now of course I can't speak for the third and fourth worlds.

There's only a problem when deceit is involved. If she's aware of it and okay with it before you marry her, there is no problem. If you lie to her and use her, that's wrong.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2016, 08:54:14 pm by (Hidden) » Logged


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« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2016, 09:41:21 pm »

It's far from moral if you ask me. A gay guy should never marry a straight woman - especially if she's in love with him. It's simply wrong, however I have a different opinion on a gay guy marrying a lesbian to cover each other. Crazy?
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« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2016, 11:19:33 am »

I've been married twice (the first one because she was pregnant with my daughter) and after my second failed, I swore never again.

I feel more attraction to guys these days after my second failed but not come out. If I did and felt pressured to marry a woman, I'd tell them to fuck right off. Thankfully, I've disowned most of my mother's side of the family and until my father's funeral last year, not seen any of his side since 1988. So no pressure either way from them. Which is a good thing as my cousin (on mum's side) is a complete homophobe (and he's actually served time for attacking people because they're gay)

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« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2016, 02:18:47 pm »

..
At 29 people are beginning to ask me when I'm getting married etc, and my family has been approached by match-makers. So far I've been able to resist with lies and half-truths  Undecided

But for how long are you planning to resist?

 Shocked


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« Reply #16 on: April 21, 2016, 11:38:38 am »

As long as I can, until they get tired of asking me  Smiley
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« Reply #17 on: April 21, 2016, 07:21:16 pm »

It's not a black and white issue.  The thing with evaluating morality is that it's circumstantial.  Most will agree that murder is wrong.  But murdering someone in legitimate self-defence is morally acceptable, and even expected.  There are many factors that are to be considered when determining morality.

Does she know he's gay?  If no, then perhaps it is not.  But even then: is his life, well being, and/or freedom at stake if he tells her and/or does not marry?  If this is the case, then an argument can easily be made that she ought not be told, and he should marry her.  It's easy for most westerners to judge, forgetting that there are still many places where being gay is an automatic prison or death sentence and not marrying brings great suspicion.  This one reason many gay men ended up in the clergy not so very long ago (and even today, really).  Seminary was an acceptable reason to not marry, without arousing suspicion.

If she does know he's gay, and there's an agreement between them, there is no problem.  Such marriages were not uncommon when my father (67 now) was in school, in the 60s--especially if she were lesbian.  I think there's even a term for this, but I can't find it.

Morality is dynamic, as well.  It's based on social norms, which change over time.  In the early 19th century, it was immoral for a woman to let her ears show.  less than 100 years later, she could show her ears, but not her ankles.  Within 30 years, we were in the Flapper era.  Grandmothers were utterly aghast at what their grandchildren were wearing (or, in their minds, NOT wearing).

I know that seems off topic, but it's to illustrate that morality shifts--often very quickly, within one generation. 

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