Is it really 'worth' coming out?
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« on: June 05, 2016, 05:27:09 am »

I've often wondered , is it really worth to come out? Or keep everything the way it is?

I mean, people might not necessary turn against you immediately or anything but sure hell people (pretty much anyone) will go 'hmmm' or have a second thought about you.
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« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2016, 06:25:46 am »

To me, it was really worth it. And for the longest time, I had thought that I'd be okay if I'd just 'hide' forever. But besides that indescribable feeling of having so much lifted from my back, I was able to connect with people in ways that was beyond refreshing -- realizing I had more in common with some friends and family, besides the overwhelming support most everyone gave. It also helped me weed out the people who weren't worth keeping in my life.
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« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2016, 06:56:49 am »

Come out to whom?

Ultimately, the one person you need to come out to is yourself. It's your body, and the moment you become honest to yourself and your desires, everything else becomes secondary.

Yes, informing everyone will be hard. Yes, there will be pain and rejection, along with a multitude of trite cliches that follows.

Unfortunately, I can't give you an easy answer for this. This is beauty of choice. In my experience, I choose me above all.
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« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2016, 07:51:41 pm »

Not necessary at all but if you've always had a good feeling with your family they'll get to understand it and you could be pretty surprised how family can get interested and your BF is integrated
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« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2016, 04:09:01 am »

Everyone's situation is different. It's your judgement and decision.
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« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2016, 12:38:32 am »

YES it is worth it.  After all the time I spent in the closet, coming out was the start of peace of mind and really enjoying my life.  No more looking over my shoulder to see who's watching or what they think.  FREEDOM finally!  Yes, some people were surprised and a little put out at first.... but I was finally able to be ME.. an openly gay man living a very full life and enjoying the life I should have been living all those years in the closet.  The only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner! Cheers Closet
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« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2016, 04:13:31 am »

Depends on your circle I guess.
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« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2016, 01:17:54 am »

I makes life much lighter and easier
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« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2016, 04:14:24 pm »

Of course it's worth it.

Only if you live in a very hostile surrounding (like Russia) I can only suggest it.
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« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2016, 03:51:22 am »

I think there  are two different "levels" of coming out.  There is telling the people you already know and there is telling people that you meet going forward.

Telling someone you already know if definitely harder because you worry that they will see you differently.  It feels like you have been lying to them.

Telling people who you meet going forward is easier but can still be awkward at times.
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« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2016, 04:22:57 am »

I was at a group meeting a couple of days ago, and heard a story.  The teller had met someone and fell in love.  This led to him being able to finally admit to his family who he was.

His BF took him on vacation, and told him to "wear it on his sleeve".  In other words, the BF knew that now he wanted to tell EVERY BODY, which according to the teller, he did.  After about six months, it was no longer an issue, and he just learned to live with who he was.

He also said, if someone asks, he tells them, if they don't, then he doesn't.  He is happy, and still with his BF after nearly 20 years.

My family, on the other hand, gave me the "we still love you", followed by the cold shoulder.  After a couple of years, they now want to try and be close, as long as I NEVER say anything.  I don't talk to them but rarely, visit a couple times a year, and the rest of the time enjoy being myself.

So I guess what I am saying is, it may be the hardest thing to do, but it may also be the most rewarding.  Gee, that really wasn't as helpful as it sounded in my head before writing it!
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« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2016, 07:12:04 am »

Is it worth it? The base answer is yes- at least to yourself- there's nothing more liberating than accepting who you are as a person and then sharing your truth with the people who matter to you.

BUT- it also depends on your situation. If you are in a country where society is not so accepting, or your life could be endangered, then it might be best to keep it secret or just share with a select few you trust.

Ultimately, only you are in the best position to judge if coming out is worth it. Your situation is unique and others can only share how it was for them when they made that important choice. No matter what you choose though, it is valid and no one can or should force you to come out if you're not ready.
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« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2016, 07:22:28 am »

I was terrified of the idea for years, and kept hush-hush about it out of fear of it disrupting my life in a way I couldn't recover from. Then, I went through some major drama with friends that made me stop caring (at least briefly) about the outside world in general. So, I just did it. Like a band-aid.

... I had never felt so free. My development as a person grew exponentially after that. Toxic influences in my life melted away, I grew closer to my true friends and my family, and my dating and romantic prospects positively exploded. It was very scary the first week or so afterward, but it did not take long at all for me to start feeling giddy with the freedom of not having a deep, dark secret. It was like I'd been carrying a backpack around my entire life, weighed down with cinder blocks inside of it. Suddenly, I decided to drop it. :-)

Look, it's normal for a human being to have romantic interests and sexual interests. People ASSUME it's part of your life, romantic or sexual connections ... they don't put it that way, but almost every person you can meet (as they get to know you) want to know about "who you're dating," if you're single, whether or not you're married, do you have kids, etc. It's part of normal human interaction. When you stay silent on the subject and you're very shady and secretive about it, when people ask you about your private life ... they're going to connect the dots in their brain eventually, anyway (or they're stupid).

The alternative is to never let anyone get too close, always getting angry and tight-lipped when someone dares to ask you about a basic human component of your life that they're going to assume that you have -- love. This is a miserable way to go about being. It's best to make it clear where you stand from the get-go, so you can honestly tell another person "yeah, I've been seeing this guy, and it's going well ..."  Wink

Part of it depends on your situation. Are you a minor in a super-religious household, and you're worried about losing necessary financial support? Probably better to wait.

Are you living in a region of the world in which you can be criminally prosecuted, or even executed, for being what you are? Probably best to stay closeted.

Are you in the United States, most of Western Europe, or any more enlightened nation in the world? .... then yes, it's worth it to come out.
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« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2016, 09:57:30 am »

I think this differs from person to person...depending on your situation...I think in some groups/areas/situations it's more "accepting"/ok than others, all depending on various things like the (kind of) people in your life, religion, background, community etc etc
When i came out to my parents, they battled to accept it at first, for religious reasons, my dad was more accepting than my mom, I think because she is/was more religious than him, unfortunately he's passed away so I cannot ask him why that was.
I came out at about 17, it's been a long time since, and not always easy, change/acceptance doesn't happen overnight, but it felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders! All my friends and family now know, some are more supportive than others, but there's none of that having to pretend I'm straight bs anymore. If you decide to come out, do it at your own time, when YOU feel ready (or as ready as possible) to do so, don't do it because someone/others are pushing you to do so. All the best! Wink <3
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« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2016, 10:34:06 am »

it is. it is very much worth it. it is liberating to be your authentic self. however, if you're in  a very conservative community or if you feel like coming out will endanger you in any way, please don't come out.
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« Reply #15 on: October 30, 2016, 11:18:22 am »

Define first what you mean by "coming out" - it involves two people at a minimum each time. Do you mean telling yourself the truth about yourself? Do you mean family, someone you're interested in, work, school...?  Each time you do it, it's a different event because the other is a different person. I've noticed that people fall into one of a few categories:

a) the vast majority don't and won't care, and since they have no power or influence over your life anyway, who cares if they do or don't know? these are people like the cashier at the store, the mailman, the cab driver, etc. you might interact with them on an occasional basis, but by and large your personal life is of no interest to them. doesn't matter if you're out to them or not.

b) some people will be judgmental, as you know, but the extreme ones are usually easy to spot and predict. handle them appropriately, depending on your relationship to them.

c) some people will say it makes no difference, and they sincerely mean it and will show it over time with their interactions with you. those are your friends, and the ones you want to keep around. support them and they'll support you.

d) the most difficult for me were the ones who say it makes no difference, but in short order, you realize it did indeed make a difference. they're the ones who say they understand and sympathize, but somehow they gradually disappear from your life, despite your best efforts to remain engaged with them. you have to realize they probably weren't as good as friends as you thought.

One thing I can say with complete confidence... having come out and knowing that freedom, there is no way in the world I would go back into the closet. The freedom of not caring anymore what someone might be thinking is hard to describe to someone who hasn't had the experience of giving that up. But having done it, now I would fight for my right to be myself, so for me, yes, it was worth it.
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« Reply #16 on: October 31, 2016, 01:06:47 am »

Coming out is very much worth it. It's scary at first, but you'll be a lot more relieved afterwards. It takes a huge burden off of your shoulders.
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« Reply #17 on: November 01, 2016, 12:02:50 am »

Coming out takes indeed, a huge burden off your shoulders.  The anxiety of being outed is really terrible.  Better you come out on your own damn terms.

Also, you have to realize you will find people who will trat you differently (for the worse) and turn their backs on you.  But those people will always exist.  A positive side is that you will find out who truly loves and sticks up to you.

And by coming out I don't mean you tell your sexual orientation to everyone or parade yourself in a thong with a body paint of the gay flag.  Is your life and you decide to whom you come out.
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« Reply #18 on: November 02, 2016, 11:14:28 am »

I'd rather have fewer people in my life than be forced to live a lie.
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« Reply #19 on: December 06, 2016, 06:55:42 pm »

oh yes. So much ahead of you if you make the leap to come out.
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