Need advice...
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« on: July 19, 2016, 01:40:09 pm »

Warning...wall of text incoming and English is not my first language so bear with me Smiley

I have recently lost my partner (5 weeks ago). He lost his battle after three years living with cancer. It was a very difficult time for me and when he passed away I was both sad beyond belief and also relieved that he is finally resting. It is certainly not nice to see someone full of life (granted, he was 64 but he was more energetic than me, with me being 33 years old), slowly fade away, seeing him always positive slowly turning into negativity and giving up.

Anyway I am slowly picking myself again and I have returned to work, which helps a lot, about three weeks ago. I have what some may call a manly job. I work at a Seaport, driving 60 feet trucks, loading and unloading containers from/to container ships. Obviously, being surrounded by a lot of men, who I have a feeling would not support the gay lifestyle, I kept my life hidden from them. They don't ask and I don't tell. It was very hard for me, not being able to talk about my partner passing away and it frustrated me that if it was a straight couple, the men/women, can easily show their grief and talk about your deceased partner. But I decided to keep it hidden for my own good. I might be very wrong and they might be very accepting, but so far I have not fully decided whether I should tell them or not.

I have a good group of work mates and we spend 8 to 12 hours everyday together at work. Since I returned back from work, I noticed there is this particular man. He is 60 years old, married with two kids. In the past I was a teacher and I taught his son for 2 years. We became very close but lately I am noticing some funny behavior and here is where I need opinions as to see whether he is showing interest or maybe I am being paranoid.

I will list what I noticed in points below:

1. He has worked in there way before me (this is the kind of job where the son inherits the job from his father and so on) and he had a lot of friends. Recently I noticed that he is giving the side to his friends and spending that hour before we start work with me. We just talk about general things, smoke and drink coffee.

2. About a week ago, it was very windy so we could not work so they put us on stand by for 4 hours. He lives literally about 5 minutes by walk away from work but he asked me whether I was staying at work or go home. I told him I am staying there and he stayed there too. Eventually we got fed up waiting and he asked me to go for a walk. Just me and him. I wanted to stop for a beer, but he said no as we had to go back to work and he doesn't want me to get hurt at work (as if one beer would make a difference...) but I obliged and instead sat down for a coffee. After he asked to go for a long walk by the seaside. We walked, talked and laugh. At that moment I felt as if I was beside my partner again. He reminds me so much of him. We came for a stop, before returning back to work and we watch people on the beach and the sun setting down. We both didn't say a word. We returned back to work.

3. For safety reasons. and because the distance is great, when we start working a 'bus' within the seaport, picks us up and drops us at our respective starting zones. If I arrive on time, we ride the bus together, if not, he reserves a seat for me to sit next to him. I did not notice this myself, but another friend of mine, as a joke, passed a comment that this guy doesn't feel happy if I sit next to someone else. I thought it was a bit childish, but I've been noticing it and it's true.

4. He is even willing to change his truck (when we punch in, we get assigned to a truck number. Some are good, some are just terrible to drive) and he is willing to change a good truck with a bad one just so we start in the same zone. He is even thrilled when we get our 'lunch breaks' together.

5. During work, we see each other a lot, honk and just drive by but recently he started calling me and talk about general things on the phone. He says, it makes time go by faster.

6. He confides with me when he has problems with his wife and what kind of trouble his son is giving him.

7. This week he is going on holiday with his family and I am thrilled for him. Apparently he is not and he has been saying that he really wishes that he won't go.

8. If some of you worked this kind of job or in construction, you might have noticed that a lot of men grab each others crotches like it's nothing major. He does it very often, but never to me. And I am glad as I don't like it.

9. He is the kind of person that you just feel comfortable with...he does his best to make people laugh, even if it means making fun of himself. He has a dark sense of humor and he even accepts a good joke played on him...unless I am the one doing it. If I say something as a joke to him, he suddenly becomes sensitive.

10. He never calls me by name and a few days ago I joked with him and told me that he doesn't even know my name. He blushed and he looked down and he whispered my name. I laughed it off. But I thought it was very sweet.

There are other things I noticed that I can't think about right now. He never strikes me as being gay. He is truly a butch man. I am not butch, nor effeminate. I am just me. Could it be that maybe he realized that I am gay and he is showing his friendly side? Or is he showing interest? Or even worse, I am being paranoid? Honestly I am not sexually interested in this man, I just like being around him because he truly knows how to make me happy and the attention he is giving me is helping me a lot.

Guys please let me know what you think. I would really appreciate it. Once again I apologize for long text but I seriously needed to unload my thoughts and clarify my feelings.

Have a good day!
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« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2016, 04:01:28 pm »

First, so sorry to hear about your partner. I can understand the mixed feelings. It is never easy to see someone suffering.

I don't think you need to apologise for anything you've said here. If it has helped to unload some feelings in the forum, that is great.

If this guy makes you feel good then I'd say enjoy his company. See what happens  Smiley
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« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2016, 05:31:47 am »

Warning...wall of text incoming and English is not my first language so bear with me Smiley

I have recently lost my partner (5 weeks ago). He lost his battle after three years living with cancer. It was a very difficult time for me and when he passed away I was both sad beyond belief ... Once again I apologize for long text but I seriously needed to unload my thoughts and clarify my feelings.

Have a good day!

Hi! First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know as I'm also sort of in a similar situation, my partner is also in his fifties and I'm in my twenties. Somehow you just feel so close and then life takes everything apart when you start realizing the true value but it's worth acknowledging that you had the short wonderful time that you had. Maybe that was life's plan to give you something to remember and hold on to.

Second, if you've feelings for the guy, really believe that he is also interested and gives you the vibes, then you should go for it. Sometimes all people need is someone to love. My partner is bisexual. He says that he never had loved a guy before but sure had interest in them. I was the very first guy with whom he was ready to be in a relationship. Maybe this is for the good.

Whatever you choose, bests! Smiley
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« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2016, 10:59:55 am »

Thanks to both of you...it's amazing how helpful strangers can be and what kind of encouragement their words can give you. I don't have to courage to talk about this guy with my real life friends yet, mainly because they were all close to my partner and I don't want to give them the impression that I've moved on. In actual fact I didn't, but they might not understand that.

manojwilson...I was always into older/younger relationships. In my opinion, they are beautiful...two guys coming from different generations, teaching each other constantly. All I can tell you is to forget the age and just live for the moment. I had the best 8 years with my partner, during which I grew up a lot. He might be gone, but whatever I learnt through him will always be with me.

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« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2016, 11:46:01 am »

So positive. Well done, you  Smiley
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« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2016, 12:51:55 pm »

Moving on doesn't mean you'll stop loving your recently deceased partner, just try discovering the character of this married friend of yours.....go on a friendly "date" with him, the usual friend's "Thank God it's Friday" hanging out and see it from there  Wink 
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« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2016, 03:33:15 pm »

Sorry about your partner.

I also have that kind of friend. He shares a lot, treats you nicely or "too close" like it was somehow weird since he is straight and I know that he knows that I'm gay. The one I cannot decipher in your story was when he uttered your name in a whisper. But honestly, I would pretty much feel the same as you do with the situations given that his actions were somehow inviting for a much deeper connection/relationship, although he might just have that attitude, or he sees you as a best friend material. I don't actually know what to think. I just avoid assuming since it is the very core of disappointments. Maybe it will help to be more open to possibilities but not investing on them emotionally.
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