Hit On By Straight Guys
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« on: November 01, 2016, 03:47:03 pm »

I used to think that I was straight.  Than I thought I was gay.  Than Bisexual.  Now I just don't care.

I am now 45.  I first came out as gay when I was 17.  I remember my mom looking me in the eyes and calmly saying "no you're not."  To this day, I don't think she has ever changed this opinion.

All my life I have been referred to as "straight" and "straight acting."  No matter how loudly I declare that I love sucking cock and swallowing jizz. I once worked at a gay bookstore and the customers constantly referred to me as "the straight clerk."  While I worked at the post office, I said I was gay.  I was told that there was no policy against dating co-workers and that I didn't need to pretend to be gay.  When a neighbor recently found out i was gay he said, "You hide it very well."  All this annoys me greatly.

As a young man I often wore skirts and fishnet stockings.  It's true that I also wore combat boots, had a mohawk and was eager to get into physical fights.  I would look people in the eyes and tell them I love getting fucked in the ass.  Ready to strike back if they tried to put me in my place. And I guess that's what makes me "straight acting."  But I resent that.  I resent that aggression makes me a "man."  That defiance makes me "straight."

The first time I got hit on by a straight guy I was still a teenager.  17 or 19.  Friends and I would go camping on the weekends.  We'd drag bottles of liquor with us as well as our camping gear.  Sometimes we'd get blackout drunk.  Once I was sharing my tent with a friend.  In the middle of the night he woke me up and wanted to have sex.  I didn't believe he was serious, told him to shut the fuck up and went back to sleep.  The next day he wouldn't look me in the eye.  Wouldn't talk to me.  And sulked at the edge of our campsite.  That's when I understood that he had been serious.  Than I loudly announced that I had drank so much the previous night, that I couldn't remember anything that happened.  Well that worked.  He became my friend again.  Laughing along with the rest of us.

The most traumatic time happened when I was in my early thirties.  I had a close friend who became separated from his wife.  This was a really good friend of mine.  Than one New Year's Eve party we were drinking and talking and laughing together.  Next thing I knew, I was in the middle of a kiss.  Man, that kiss was the best I ever had.  Physical and emotional and warm and comforting.  He took me back to his place and we spent that New Years fucking each other.  The next time I saw him after that was with a group of friends almost all of whom were at that New Year's Eve party.  My friend immediately began reasserting his "straightness."  I remember one of our friends saying "Looks like someone's gone back into the closet."  The next few months were a combination of heaven and hell.  Alone, he was gentle and affectionate.  As soon as someone else appeared, he would literally push me away.  I couldn't take it.  I ended the relationship and moved from the area.

A few days ago, a neighbor was over my house.  If you're over my house, I will push food onto you.  Alcohol.  Soft drinks.  Juice.  If  you're a guest at my house, what's mine is yours.  Well, I was sharing a bottle of liquor with this guy.  We talked about politics.  Current events.  Personal history.  Than he started repeating over and over that he wasn't gay.  Okay.  I didn't care.  He knew I was. He was a homophobe when we met.  Than I became one of the "good gays," whatever that means.  I don't think he's a homophobe anymore.  He asks questions.  I answer them.  (Last time he was over he asked what caused gayness.  I said I didn't know and I didn't care.  No-one has the right to tell me I can't fuck men.)  Well we ended up in my kitchen.  Standing.  Facing each other.  He kept repeating that he wasn't gay.  Had no interest in guys.  That gay sex disgusted him.  "Thou dost protest too much," I thought.  Than he leaned in very close.  And whispered in my ear, "I want to fuck you."  And so I walked him to his house.  He was stumble down drunk.  At his front door, his wife thanked me for seeing him home safe.  And I went home and went to bed.  Next morning, all the memories of the night flooded back.  And it felt like an ice pick in my heart.

I don't know what I mean by this post.  What, if anything, I'm asking.  Maybe just venting.
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« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2016, 04:50:11 pm »

Well- thanks for sharing your experiences. It was an interesting read.
Sadly, it sounds like you've been caught up with people who were either closeted, or just couldn't bring themselves to accept their attraction to men unless they were safely drunk as an excuse.

Also- thanks to movies and TV- people have some preconceived notions of how gay men should act and when you don't fit those stereotypes you throw them off.  Tongue
I think it's good there are people like you around to shake things up and show them that there isn't just one "type" of gay person. I hope that's some consolation for you. I can understand your frustration.
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« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2016, 07:27:00 pm »

I used to think that I was straight.  Than I thought I was gay.  Than Bisexual.  Now I just don't care.

I am now 45.  I first came out as gay when I was 17.  I remember my mom looking me in the eyes and calmly saying "no you're not."  To this day, I don't think she has ever changed this opinion.

All my life I have been referred to as "straight" and "straight acting."  No matter how loudly I declare that I love sucking cock and swallowing jizz. I once worked at a gay bookstore and the customers constantly referred to me as "the straight clerk."  While I worked at the post office, I said I was gay.  I was told that there was no policy against dating co-workers and that I didn't need to pretend to be gay.  When a neighbor recently found out i was gay he said, "You hide it very well."  All this annoys me greatly.

As a young man I often wore skirts and fishnet stockings.  It's true that I also wore combat boots, had a mohawk and was eager to get into physical fights.  I would look people in the eyes and tell them I love getting fucked in the ass.  Ready to strike back if they tried to put me in my place. And I guess that's what makes me "straight acting."  But I resent that.  I resent that aggression makes me a "man."  That defiance makes me "straight."

The first time I got hit on by a straight guy I was still a teenager.  17 or 19.  Friends and I would go camping on the weekends.  We'd drag bottles of liquor with us as well as our camping gear.  Sometimes we'd get blackout drunk.  Once I was sharing my tent with a friend.  In the middle of the night he woke me up and wanted to have sex.  I didn't believe he was serious, told him to shut the fuck up and went back to sleep.  The next day he wouldn't look me in the eye.  Wouldn't talk to me.  And sulked at the edge of our campsite.  That's when I understood that he had been serious.  Than I loudly announced that I had drank so much the previous night, that I couldn't remember anything that happened.  Well that worked.  He became my friend again.  Laughing along with the rest of us.

The most traumatic time happened when I was in my early thirties.  I had a close friend who became separated from his wife.  This was a really good friend of mine.  Than one New Year's Eve party we were drinking and talking and laughing together.  Next thing I knew, I was in the middle of a kiss.  Man, that kiss was the best I ever had.  Physical and emotional and warm and comforting.  He took me back to his place and we spent that New Years fucking each other.  The next time I saw him after that was with a group of friends almost all of whom were at that New Year's Eve party.  My friend immediately began reasserting his "straightness."  I remember one of our friends saying "Looks like someone's gone back into the closet."  The next few months were a combination of heaven and hell.  Alone, he was gentle and affectionate.  As soon as someone else appeared, he would literally push me away.  I couldn't take it.  I ended the relationship and moved from the area.

A few days ago, a neighbor was over my house.  If you're over my house, I will push food onto you.  Alcohol.  Soft drinks.  Juice.  If  you're a guest at my house, what's mine is yours.  Well, I was sharing a bottle of liquor with this guy.  We talked about politics.  Current events.  Personal history.  Than he started repeating over and over that he wasn't gay.  Okay.  I didn't care.  He knew I was. He was a homophobe when we met.  Than I became one of the "good gays," whatever that means.  I don't think he's a homophobe anymore.  He asks questions.  I answer them.  (Last time he was over he asked what caused gayness.  I said I didn't know and I didn't care.  No-one has the right to tell me I can't fuck men.)  Well we ended up in my kitchen.  Standing.  Facing each other.  He kept repeating that he wasn't gay.  Had no interest in guys.  That gay sex disgusted him.  "Thou dost protest too much," I thought.  Than he leaned in very close.  And whispered in my ear, "I want to fuck you."  And so I walked him to his house.  He was stumble down drunk.  At his front door, his wife thanked me for seeing him home safe.  And I went home and went to bed.  Next morning, all the memories of the night flooded back.  And it felt like an ice pick in my heart.

I don't know what I mean by this post.  What, if anything, I'm asking.  Maybe just venting.

One of the most fascinating experiences I've ever read here. Better then so-called 'stories', but than - this is from real life  Hug I'd fuck you as well, but I'm not straight  blush
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« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2016, 05:51:13 pm »



brianboru72 , thank you for your words and for your understanding.



Well- thanks for sharing your experiences. It was an interesting read.
Sadly, it sounds like you've been caught up with people who were either closeted, or just couldn't bring themselves to accept their attraction to men unless they were safely drunk as an excuse.




The second guy I mentioned, the good friend of mine.  After the first time we fucked, he would show up at my apartment with a bottle of liquor.  And I swear, he would almost be pouring the shots straight down my throat.  Finally I told him, "You don't need to get me drunk to fuck me."

And after the first time we fucked, he said the familiar, "I was so drunk last night, I can't remember anything that happened."  Over the course of months, he said that several more times.  Until I replied, "Well I remember everything that happened."  His face fell and he actually muttered under his breath, "uh-oh."

"I was so drunk last night..."  I've come to hate that sentence.

Also- thanks to movies and TV- people have some preconceived notions of how gay men should act and when you don't fit those stereotypes you throw them off.  Tongue
I think it's good there are people like you around to shake things up and show them that there isn't just one "type" of gay person. I hope that's some consolation for you. I can understand your frustration.









The gay community bears as much responsibility for this as does Hollywood.

I remember when I was 17.  I had just begun to understand my sexual attraction for guys.  But I had not told anyone yet.  So like a million emerging queers before me, I made my way to the local gay ghetto.  West Hollywood, in my case.  I went to A Different Light Bookstore.  Sat at a gay coffee house reading an issue of Frontiers.  Visited the Gay & Lesbian Center.  After a whole day in West Hollywood, I remember coming home and lying on my bed on my side.  I remember staring at the wall.  And feeling despair.

I had been told that I couldn't listen to punk and be gay.  I couldn't have a mohawk and be gay.  That once I accepted my homosexuality I would... What?  Like disco?  Interior design?  Flower arranging?

I am 45.  It's been about 5 years since I last went to a gay bar.  Maybe 10 years since I went to a Pride march.  Yeah, I have a couple of hook up apps on my phone.  I watch gay porn.  But I have never felt a connection to the gay community.  In my experience, I was far more likely to have punks accept my homosexuality.  I was far more likely to be rejected by gays for being punk.

Beginning at 17, I was accused of being homophobic.  And of having internal homophobia.  But y'know, I fought for gay rights.  I attended marches.  Helped organize rallies.  Gathered signatures.  Handed out flyers.  Didn't matter.  I refused to "act gay."  So I was a homophobe.

Don't get me wrong.  I don't want a pat on the back.  I don't want your tears.  I believe that I must do what is right because it is right and for no other reason.  Reward and punishment is irrelevant.  You do what is right because it is right and not because you want a fucking reward.  Not because you're trying to avoid punishment.

I am trying to illustrate a point.  The gay community is equally responsible for perpetuating a stereotype.  And not just the gay community.  As a kid, my cousins and neighbors bashed me.  I wasn't a "real" Mexican because I didn't like beans or R&B (seriously).  To the kids at school, I wasn't a "real" man because I didn't like sports.  To my local parish, I wasn't a "real" Christian because I would not condemn those who thought differently.

And don't think that I am the opposite of gay.  Or that because I like punk, I'll hate you for not liking punk.  I fully support your right to listen to disco.  If you want to be an interior designer, you should be.  I fully support your right to do what makes you happy.  And I accept that what makes you happy can be different from what make me happy.

But I will resist any pressure to make me a stereotype.
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« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2016, 05:58:55 pm »


One of the most fascinating experiences I've ever read here. Better then so-called 'stories', but than - this is from real life  Hug I'd fuck you as well, but I'm not straight  blush


Thanks.  Much appreciated.

And y'know, I don't actually try to have sex with straight guys.  The thing I want most from a top is for him to know what he's doing and for him to do it without hesitation.
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« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2016, 06:35:23 pm »

Aw, what happened with the neighbor of yours? 

I'd say expand his mind by giving him a taste but... he's married.  So that's a negative there.
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« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2016, 06:57:29 pm »

Aw, what happened with the neighbor of yours? 

I'd say expand his mind by giving him a taste but... he's married.  So that's a negative there.

I haven't seen my neighbor since that night.  I'm going to let him make the next move.

But I will say, I won't help anyone cheat.  I would not have sex with him unless his wife knows and accepts.  And I have told him as much.  He has asked about open relationships.  And I have told him about polyamory.  He knows where I stand.

I told my wife what happened.  She thinks getting romantically or sexually involved with a closeted neighbor is a road to disaster.  And I am inclined to agree.

And finally, perhaps most importantly.  I don't want to get involved with a closeted guy.  I don't like dishonesty.  Oh, I believe that everyone needs to come out on their own timetable.  But this guy has a wife and kids.  I've met his parents.  I'm not sure I would have the ability to pretend we weren't fucking, let alone the willingness to pretend.

I like this guy as a friend.  I really hope we can remain friends.  But anything sexual just doesn't seem right.
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« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2016, 09:40:38 pm »

Good answer.  Good job, dude Smiley

But I hope you're still available to your neighbor as a friend cuz he's probably in a troubled state right now and does need someone who will listen.  Whatever happens to him, be it he realizes he's bi or it becomes an open marriage or he swings or whatever.

BTW, you're married?  You ended saying you're bisexual but you didn't mention you're married to a woman.  Do you have children?
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« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2016, 03:43:08 am »

You can have sex without a romantic or sexual attraction.
Your neighbour probably sees sex as a domination thing (like dogs not BDSM)
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« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2016, 08:07:58 am »

Wow. Thanks for all your thoughts and replying to my comments. I agree with what you've said. There's a lot of pressure to conform to stereotypes- both from straight people and from the gay community itself.

It's utterly ridiculous of course, but sadly it's also human nature for people to want to box you into something they can easily understand. Well,to that I say it's their problem, not yours.

In my country, being gay is automatically connected to wanting to be a woman, and wanting feminine things. Which is ridiculous of course. People- gay or straight- come with many different interests, styles, types etc. You should be free to be the kind of person you want to be- regardless of what others say or think.

As to that good friend of yours- I can only hope he manages to get over his hangups. Life's too short to be caught up for too long in the drama of accepting your sexuality- whether bi, gay or straight or other.
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But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
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« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2016, 11:26:58 am »

Hey there,  JerodParker.
Thanks for the comments

Good answer.  Good job, dude Smiley

But I hope you're still available to your neighbor as a friend cuz he's probably in a troubled state right now and does need someone who will listen.  Whatever happens to him, be it he realizes he's bi or it becomes an open marriage or he swings or whatever.

BTW, you're married?  You ended saying you're bisexual but you didn't mention you're married to a woman.  Do you have children?

My home is open to my neighbor.  And when he's ready to come over, I'll be here.  But I really think it should be up to him.  He'll come over when he's ready.  Maybe he'll never be ready.

Yup, I'm married.  Known my wife for 20 years.  Been married about half that.  When we met we hit it off.  She actually hated all men.  Figured all men were rapist.  Thought alcohol made men violent.  I know I fascinated her.  Three months after we first met we moved in together.  Been living as a married couple since then.  During those first 5 years, I asked her to marry me.  Several times.  She always turned me down.  Then I happened to be hospitalized.  I was unconscious when I was wheeled into the emergency room.  Legally, my mom was my next of kin.  Even though we weren't talking, even though we hadn't seen each other in years, she got to make all the medical decisions.  And she excluded my future wife.  Wouldn't even let her come see me.  After I got out of the hospital, she asked me to marry her.

We wanted to have kids.  Tried for years.  Finally went to the doctors.  Found out we were physically incapable of having kids.  It was painful.  Still is.  I think I would have made a good dad.
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« Reply #11 on: November 03, 2016, 12:14:38 pm »

Hey farkme,

Good point.

You can have sex without a romantic or sexual attraction.
Your neighbour probably sees sex as a domination thing (like dogs not BDSM)

I can see several arguments for it being about dominance.

When I first heard about my neighbor, I figured we were going to come to blows.  I was told he was a homophobe.  A misogynist.  Violent.  A bully.  I figured a physical fight was inevitable.  I guess he had been told about me as well.  And came to the same conclusion.  The first few times we were at the same gatherings, we kept our distance from each other.  And we kept our eyes on each other.  You could almost say like dogs circling each other.  But we never did get into a physical fight.  Instead we started talking.

And that's the second thing that might support a dominance thing.  It became obvious to me that we are a lot alike.  The shit in our childhoods.  Our teen years.  Attitudes.  Philosophies.  Emotions.  It was almost (but not quite) like he was a heterosexual, homophobic, misogynistic version of me.  (Or maybe I'm a queer version of him.)  Anyway, maybe we're too much alike.  And he's got to assert dominance.

But I don't think so.  We've been neighbors for a few years now.  We've talked a lot in that time.  And he's talked about his childhood.  He's been vulnerable.

And just before our last meeting, before that night he whispered in my ear, we were at the same Halloween party.  And so the last time he was at my home, he told me he was watching me at that Halloween party.  He said he admired the way that I stood and walked.  He liked the look of my back and shoulders.

And the last time he was here, the same night he whispered in my ear.  He did something I found curious.  He pledged to protect my wife.  And to defend her honor.  I don't know why he did this.  But it doesn't feel like the actions of a man who is trying to assert dominance over me.

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« Reply #12 on: November 03, 2016, 12:43:34 pm »

Wow. Thanks for all your thoughts and replying to my comments. I agree with what you've said. There's a lot of pressure to conform to stereotypes- both from straight people and from the gay community itself.

It's utterly ridiculous of course, but sadly it's also human nature for people to want to box you into something they can easily understand. Well,to that I say it's their problem, not yours.

In my country, being gay is automatically connected to wanting to be a woman, and wanting feminine things. Which is ridiculous of course. People- gay or straight- come with many different interests, styles, types etc. You should be free to be the kind of person you want to be- regardless of what others say or think.

As to that good friend of yours- I can only hope he manages to get over his hangups. Life's too short to be caught up for too long in the drama of accepting your sexuality- whether bi, gay or straight or other.

I think that it's the same in the U.S.  Being gay means you are feminine.  I have been accused of "acting" masculine in order to hide my homosexuality.  As if getting fucked up the ass make me a woman.

As for that good friend of mine, I haven't seen him or talked to him in over 10 years.  Not out of anger.  Not because I was trying to punish him.  It just became too painful.  I thought it best just to make a clean break.  I sincerely hope that he is happy.  He is a good man.  Despite the pain I felt.
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« Reply #13 on: November 03, 2016, 05:11:47 pm »

Hey there,  JerodParker.
Thanks for the comments

Good answer.  Good job, dude Smiley

But I hope you're still available to your neighbor as a friend cuz he's probably in a troubled state right now and does need someone who will listen.  Whatever happens to him, be it he realizes he's bi or it becomes an open marriage or he swings or whatever.

BTW, you're married?  You ended saying you're bisexual but you didn't mention you're married to a woman.  Do you have children?

My home is open to my neighbor.  And when he's ready to come over, I'll be here.  But I really think it should be up to him.  He'll come over when he's ready.  Maybe he'll never be ready.

Yup, I'm married.  Known my wife for 20 years.  Been married about half that.  When we met we hit it off.  She actually hated all men.  Figured all men were rapist.  Thought alcohol made men violent.  I know I fascinated her.  Three months after we first met we moved in together.  Been living as a married couple since then.  During those first 5 years, I asked her to marry me.  Several times.  She always turned me down.  Then I happened to be hospitalized.  I was unconscious when I was wheeled into the emergency room.  Legally, my mom was my next of kin.  Even though we weren't talking, even though we hadn't seen each other in years, she got to make all the medical decisions.  And she excluded my future wife.  Wouldn't even let her come see me.  After I got out of the hospital, she asked me to marry her.

We wanted to have kids.  Tried for years.  Finally went to the doctors.  Found out we were physically incapable of having kids.  It was painful.  Still is.  I think I would have made a good dad.

  Aw, I understand that.  I have to live through my niece and nephew concerning kids because I won't have my own either.

  I don't know when you can see your neighbor again in a social setting.  Halloween has passed.  Perhaps in Christmas?  I do hope you'd try to approach him first, tell him how things are between you two and he doesn't have to be afraid of anything, even if he is or isn't.  He sounds like a macho, type 1 type and perhaps there's a way to mend the bridge without both of you losing face.
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« Reply #14 on: November 05, 2016, 06:05:08 am »

Honestly, I don't know what to say lol but its an interesting story and thanks for sharing it with us  Smiley
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« Reply #15 on: November 08, 2016, 07:56:04 am »

Just following up but I hope this gets an update, if anything ever happens.
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« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2016, 01:00:52 am »



Just following up but I hope this gets an update, if anything ever happens.

After the night my neighbor whispered in my ear, I have not seen him at all.  Not entering his house.  Not exiting his house.  Not in his yard.  This isn't necessarily unusual.  We do have different schedules.

My wife has seen his wife.  Sometimes we get their mail and my wife takes it over.  Sometimes they borrow things from each other.  Everything is very normal.

His wife is a nice woman from what I've seen.  When we talk, we are friendly towards each other.  She has asked for my recipe for pull pork.  I have asked her for advice about gardening.  But I would say there is a wall between us.  Maybe a coldness.  They have kids.  It wouldn't be the first time that someone thought that I was a threat to their children.  Or maybe I am just a bad influence on her husband.  And she would be absolutely justified in that.

In my early twenties I had a good friend named John.  He liked the same music I liked.  Actually we shared a lot of the same interests.  John had a boyfriend named Steve.  And Steve was... a more "traditional" type of gay guy.  There was never anything sexual between me and John.  He liked young, skinny, hairless, white guys.  Definitely not me.  At that time, I was into older, hairy, daddy types.  Definitely not John.  And as far as I know, Steve never believed that there was anything sexual between me and John.  No problem there.

But Steve was never too pleased whenever I showed up.  John told me so, but I didn't need him to tell me.  When John and I got together, we drank more, danced harder, fought more often.  We were bad influences on each other.  Goddamn, I loved spending time with John.  Drinking.  Playing darts, street hockey.  Going to gigs, dancing in the pit.  All the things Steve hated.

Steve never stopped John from seeing me.  It would have been stupid for him to do so.  I think that it would have made John very angry.  And going out with me, allowed John to do some of the things he loved with a guy who had no sexual interest in him.  But I know that Steve felt dread whenever John and I were together.

And at the time, I didn't care.  I hadn't met my wife yet.  Had never been in a serious relationship.  I couldn't understand what Steve was going through.

I think that I am often a bad influence.

When my neighbor first started coming over, I shared my beer with him.  I knew he liked beer.  One day when he came over, I had no beer.  I offered him whiskey.  Since that day, we drink whiskey when he comes over.  Now, I'm an experienced drunk.  Been drinking since my early teens.  I know how much I need to get me where I want to be.  My neighbor doesn't know his.  When I fill the shot glasses, I fill his 1/3 less than mine.  When he goes to the bathroom, I take an extra shot.  And yet he still gets stumble down drunk.  And I walk him home.

I can understand if his wife doesn't particularly like me.  I think that I am a bad influence on him.  And I can understand if his wife doesn't want him to come over.  If his wife doesn't want me to come over.  And I don't want to interfere with my neighbor's relationship with his wife.

My wife and I are having a Christmas party the week before Christmas Day.  Of course, my neighbor and his wife will be invited.
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« Reply #17 on: November 09, 2016, 03:31:20 am »

Nice clipped but rich storytelling.

I do hope your neighbor (s, plus wife) comes to you Christmas party.
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« Reply #18 on: November 09, 2016, 01:03:27 pm »

honey, they're not str8  Kiss
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« Reply #19 on: November 09, 2016, 05:01:58 pm »

honey, they're not str8  Kiss

When I first wrote the title for this post, I considered putting the word "straight" into quotation marks.  But it didn't feel right.  The three individuals that I initially wrote about all identified themselves as straight.  And I just don't feel as if it's my privilege to deny anyone that right.  The right to identify themselves the way they choose.

This is probably a reflection of my own beliefs concerning sexual orientation.

When I was 17, I saw the world in black in white.  There was straight.  And there was gay.  There was nothing else at all.  And you HAD to belong to one or the other.  Does anyone remember the old racist belief (I hope it's old and outdated) that if you have even one drop of black blood within you than you were not white, you were black.  You were black or you were white.  There was nothing else.  No such thing as multiracial.  One drop of blood, and you were inferior.  At 17, I believed the same thing about sexual orientation.  One incident of sexual attraction toward the same gender made you gay.  Didn't matter how transitory.  There was only gay or straight.  You had to be one or the other.

Reflecting on my own experiences.  Seeing the experiences of those around me.  Listening to them.  Using my own brain to try to understand...  I do not have a college degree.  I am not a scientist.  My conclusions are not based on anything scientific.  Just experiences and my brain.

We are now beginning to understand that gender and gender identity is more complex than just cock or cunt.  I also believe that sexual orientation is much more complex than just gay or straight (even with the inclusion of bisexuality).  I believe that sexual orientation is fluid.  That it can naturally change throughout a person's life.  I also believe that an individual can be attracted primarily to one gender but fall in love with a particular person of a different gender.

I don't know what's in your mind.  I don't know what's in anyone's mind.  I can only make guesses.  To say that I know anyone better than they know themselves strikes me as arrogant.  All I can do is make guesses.

But ultimately when it comes down to it, I DON'T FUCKING CARE.  Gay.  Straight.  Bi.  Cis. Tran.  Metro.  Pansexual.  I just don't care.  Be the person you want to be.  Love the people you want to love.  Do what makes you happy.  Just try not to hurt anyone while you're at it, yeah?  Try not to cause destruction while you live your life.

I did not think of any intention or goal when I started this post.  It was probably more of a rant.  Born of my pain and frustration.  Being treated with such gentleness and affection, and than being pushed away.  Having that affection denied.  It is a story that plays again and again in my life and I don't know why.  And I would like it to stop.

The three men I initially described.  I don't hate them.  Call me a fool, but I honestly believe that they are good men.  Who here hasn't looked within themselves.  And struggled to understand who they were.  Compared themselves to what society, family, friends expect.  I cannot tell anyone who they are.  I can listen.  Answer questions.  Give examples from my own life.

I honestly and sincerely do not care about gender identity or sexual orientation.  I would like for everyone to be happy.  And I would like to be happy too.
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