My parents want me to marry a girl
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« on: November 06, 2016, 07:27:01 am »

I am from Pakistan and 26 years old. My parents want me to get marry as early as possible but I am gay. At my age my other siblings already got married and have kids. My parents expect same from me. I am extremely depression because this situation. I cant tell my parents that I am gay.. it is like impossible!

I already told my parents that i can't marry until 30 but my parents talk about my marriage 24 hours in house because i am the last child of the family and they have so many plans to make this marriage memorable. In Pakistan, usually people get marry with their cousins and there are several cousins of my age. My parents already asking me to tell that which one I like so they can approach the family and girl. They even already asked me if i want to marry someone else from family so they can approach that etc. In short, they have given me full freedom to chose bride as my other siblings did.

I am not sure what to do. I am tensed and depression all the time when everyone talk about my marriage and they want me to get marriage in coming summer 2017..
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« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2016, 07:37:23 am »

I feel for you   Sad  Hug

Are you employed and financially independent?
Can you leave your parents/family and move somewhere else, perhaps another country with liberal laws?

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« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2016, 08:17:53 am »

I'm not familiar with the cultures and traditions in Pakistan, so excuse me if I say anything that's unrealistic for your situation.

My recommendation would be along the lines of the person above me. I think you should find anyway you can to become financially independent of your family. That's the first step. If you're not under their roof, you won't be constantly encumbered with talks about marriage. Now I'm going to go ahead and assume that if you don't marry, you'll be seen as the "black sheep" of the family, maybe seen as somewhat of an outcast. This is unfortunate, but you may have to embrace being seen that way if you don't want to get married.

You can't change what people say and think about you, and you shouldn't try. Focus on making your life as happy as possible FOR YOU. If that means not getting married and being an outcast in your family, so be it. At least you won't be living with stress and depression, and you won't be attached so a woman you don't love. Try to connect with new friends who you can confide in, and make those people your new family.

So yeah, try your best to become as independent from your family as you can. I don't know how realistic that is for your situation, but that's the first step I can recommend for you.

----------------

Type these two searches in Google, and you'll may find some useful information:

site:reddit.com make money in pakistan

site:reddit.com financially independent pakistan

And here are two interesting links I came across while browsing the web:

https://www.reddit.com/r/exmuslim/comments/2ihiwm/financially_independent_living_on_my_own_for/

https://www.quora.com/I-am-24-in-Pakistan-and-I-want-to-make-a-lot-of-money-What-should-I-do

https://www.quora.com/What-are-some-of-the-easiest-ways-to-achieve-financial-independence-in-Pakistan

----------------

I hope this helps you out a little bit. I'm sorry you have to go through something like this. Keep your head up, with a strong work ethic and determination I'm sure you can create a life for yourself that'll make you happy. Good luck, buddy! I'm rooting for you!
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« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2016, 06:29:07 am »

I feel for you   Sad  Hug

Are you employed and financially independent?
Can you leave your parents/family and move somewhere else, perhaps another country with liberal laws?


I am a freelancer. So, my income is not really fix.. its up and down all the time..

Leaving family sound easy but what reason i suppose to tell them? People do live away from their family like in other city or country if they have job or study etc.
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« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2016, 06:31:17 am »

Thank you for detailed reply and other information. But leaving family is not possible for me. It does not really work like that here. People do live alone for reason like if they have job in other city but i dont have reason to tell my parents that why i want to live alone. Although, the issue will be remain there even if i live alone. They will still asked me to get married.

I'm not familiar with the cultures and traditions in Pakistan, so excuse me if I say anything that's unrealistic for your situation.

My recommendation would be along the lines of the person above me. I think you should find anyway you can to become financially independent of your family. That's the first step. If you're not under their roof, you won't be constantly encumbered with talks about marriage. Now I'm going to go ahead and assume that if you don't marry, you'll be seen as the "black sheep" of the family, maybe seen as somewhat of an outcast. This is unfortunate, but you may have to embrace being seen that way if you don't want to get married.

You can't change what people say and think about you, and you shouldn't try. Focus on making your life as happy as possible FOR YOU. If that means not getting married and being an outcast in your family, so be it. At least you won't be living with stress and depression, and you won't be attached so a woman you don't love. Try to connect with new friends who you can confide in, and make those people your new family.

So yeah, try your best to become as independent from your family as you can. I don't know how realistic that is for your situation, but that's the first step I can recommend for you.

----------------

Type these two searches in Google, and you'll may find some useful information:

site:reddit.com make money in pakistan

site:reddit.com financially independent pakistan

And here are two interesting links I came across while browsing the web:

https://www.reddit.com/r/exmuslim/comments/2ihiwm/financially_independent_living_on_my_own_for/

https://www.quora.com/I-am-24-in-Pakistan-and-I-want-to-make-a-lot-of-money-What-should-I-do

https://www.quora.com/What-are-some-of-the-easiest-ways-to-achieve-financial-independence-in-Pakistan

----------------

I hope this helps you out a little bit. I'm sorry you have to go through something like this. Keep your head up, with a strong work ethic and determination I'm sure you can create a life for yourself that'll make you happy. Good luck, buddy! I'm rooting for you!
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« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2016, 08:07:24 am »

...just to add the points and advice mentioned above... is that if you DID marry a woman, as in what would be a FAKE and totally false marriage, and under the situation of totally false circumstances... it would eventually be DEVASTATING to the lady, very likely RUINING her life. Many women have actually committed suicide, following the realization of what was, in reality, a sham marriage... totally in deception, humiliation and betrayal.

MOVING to a major city (where sexual freedom is much more acceptable) and taking your chances there... would seem to be the only way out of this nightmarish situation you are currently in.

I have personal experience in this, having gotten married myself... then living the hell of living out my sexual needs and search for male love, in hiding... and eventually giving up, some 22 years later, with 3 kids... to finally be with my male lover and boyfriend at that time.

It devastated my family, and my kids won't even talk to me nowadays; so many ruined lives... all for the sake of trying to comply with other's sense of "normalcy".

I too can relate to not being able to tell your family you are gay. I was well into my forties, before I could tell my mother... and I never could manage to tell my father, in his lifetime.

Today? Finally, at 66, having moved from the USA (which is VERY homophobic, don't ever believe otherwise) to Thailand... which culturally is VERY accepting of gays... to be living now, over 10 years, with my Thai boyfriend, my best friend, lover, and boyfriend of my lifetime, totally accepted and embraced by his family...

...is kind of a happy ending, to the long nightmarish existence and path I chose (in ERROR)... when deciding to marry a girl, at 22.

Advice? Don't DO a sham marriage, move to a major city, and live your life, as you feel inside, being honest to your heart and true identity... and avoid destroying countless lives, by your honesty.

Good luck on your life path....   cheerup group hug in love Hearts

Hugs,
Pawpcorn
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« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2016, 08:58:03 am »

Leaving family sound easy but what reason i suppose to tell them? People do live away from their family like in other city or country if they have job or study etc.

Move somewhere far away where they cannot interfere with your life.  Tell them you're moving to the United States to study, then come here and LIVE YOUR LIFE as you please!  Just tell them that you want to expand on your education (in the US) so that you'll have more to offer a wife, and then get the Hell out of there.  As a side note:  It's wrong what they're doing to you, even if it's traditional.  You need to get far away from them because there really is no explaining things to them in a way they'll understand.  You deserve to live your life on your own terms, free from their oppression.  Don't put up with it, get away from there as soon as possible.
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« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2016, 10:37:38 am »

I'm also living in a country where family pushes you to get married and can become insistent and meddling. In the end, the final solution for me was (after coming out to close friends) I worked up the courage to just flat out tell my parents that I am gay and not interested in marrying a woman. It sort of helped that by this time my younger brother had just gotten married- and my sister in law was pregnant so they were assured of a grandchild.

I know how hard it can be, but that was a turning point for me. They were not fully accepting, but they didn't reject me either. They didn't even ask me to move out. I eventually did so and found an apartment where I could live the way I wanted.

So-just to add to all the great advice you've already gotten from others- I say come out to your immediate family, if you are willing. If not, seriously try to find a job far away- in another city or country even, just to be able to live your life away from their shadow. It's not easy at the start, but it is worth all the hardship. You don't want to get into a sham marriage- it is not fair to you or the woman.

Take it one step at a time, explore job options and send in applications- as many as you can. Good luck. I hope things work out for you! Thanks for sharing your story with us.  Hug
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Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.
But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
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« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2016, 10:57:59 am »

Terrific advice, above x2

I forgot to mention earlier.... that mothers generally, and secretly, already know that their son is gay... even if they say or act otherwise...

Point being... knowing this fact can reduce the stress and anxiety about coming out to your mom  blush
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« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2016, 11:20:51 am »

I forgot to mention earlier.... that mothers generally, and secretly, already know that their son is gay... even if they say or act otherwise...

I agree, which is why I feel it's twice as unfair for them to put the squeeze on their son to pretend to be otherwise.  I think it should make any young man mad enough to stand up to their parents.
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« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2016, 12:18:46 pm »

Being aware that your government says "homosexuality is never existed in your Pakistan and LGBT rights are alien concepts to the country and therefore rising from the decadent West" (Jamaat-e-Islami), if I would be you I'll take into serious consideration even the possible consequences of a coming out (even if only within your family) for your future.

I'm not saying that having a marriage right is absolutely essential, but come on fellas this is not granting marriage, it's tolerate discrimination and persecution on a part of the population just because it does not conform to the dictates, I would call this felonious.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/04/world/asia/gays-in-pakistan-move-cautiously-to-gain-acceptance.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/pakistan/1453786/Acid-attack-on-boy-who-refused-sex-with-Muslim-cleric.html

Dunno what your family is like, but given the common denominator in your area, if you don't wanna leave the country, I'll marry a casual girl and forget forever about my true self, even if it's clearly not gonna work.

Never considered to fold up your tents and get out of that unreasonable habits ? Saying "I wanna leave the country, a marriage is only a burden for me in this moment 'cause I wanna leave." is not a bad idea, and just get out of that.

Even Malala Yousafzai had to leave, no one is gonna blame on you for that.
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« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2016, 01:20:22 pm »

I am from Pakistan and 26 years old. My parents want me to get marry as early as possible but I am gay. At my age my other siblings already got married and have kids. My parents expect same from me. I am extremely depression because this situation. I cant tell my parents that I am gay.. it is like impossible!

I already told my parents that i can't marry until 30 but my parents talk about my marriage 24 hours in house because i am the last child of the family and they have so many plans to make this marriage memorable. In Pakistan, usually people get marry with their cousins and there are several cousins of my age. My parents already asking me to tell that which one I like so they can approach the family and girl. They even already asked me if i want to marry someone else from family so they can approach that etc. In short, they have given me full freedom to chose bride as my other siblings did.

I am not sure what to do. I am tensed and depression all the time when everyone talk about my marriage and they want me to get marriage in coming summer 2017..


I think some of the people writing advice here are a little unrealistic about how hard it is to emigrate into a Western country. Especially from a Muslim developing country. I am saying that as someone from Europe (I now live in S.E. Asia).

What is your level of education? What type of education do you have? If you are let's say an engineer and you have some experience it might be easier for you to apply to emigrate. You might also consider Taiwan, which in my opinion is better and safer than many European countries (good-ish earning, nice weather, no macho culture, very very safe-no crime, openness for gay people).
If that is not realistic, I think you should really think very deeply about the life you want to lead. Living on your own without the support of your family can be very hard in some countries, maybe also in Pakistan? There is no one single recipe on how to lead your life in a good way. Also in the West many gay people even though they lead gay lives still are not happy. They have sex that leaves them empty, if thry want a relationship they meet guys with commitment issues. Some remain in dating for most of their lives, and do not manage to find another half. They also don't have family and children, and some of them would like to have them. There are some benefits in following your cultural background and getting married, having children, and meeting guys on the side, in secret. Many people do that. Maybe you can also find some lesbian, who also does not want a REAL marriage but would be happy to get married to you in order to have a family and children, but would ok about just being very good friends and not having a sexual relationship. Whatever you decide I encourage you to think about it very deeply and also think about your physical safety as priority.
If you can think of getting some kind education that can get you a visa to another country, where you can lead a more independent life, make plans to do it. Get your qualifications, go to university if you can, and get the best you can for yourself. That will give you options in your life!
« Last Edit: November 07, 2016, 01:25:34 pm by (Hidden) » Logged


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« Reply #12 on: November 08, 2016, 08:15:12 am »

I think some of the people writing advice here are a little unrealistic about how hard it is to emigrate into a Western country. Especially from a Muslim developing country. I am saying that as someone from Europe (I now live in S.E. Asia).

What is your level of education? What type of education do you have? If you are let's say an engineer and you have some experience it might be easier for you to apply to emigrate. You might also consider Taiwan, which in my opinion is better and safer than many European countries (good-ish earning, nice weather, no macho culture, very very safe-no crime, openness for gay people).
If that is not realistic, I think you should really think very deeply about the life you want to lead. Living on your own without the support of your family can be very hard in some countries, maybe also in Pakistan? There is no one single recipe on how to lead your life in a good way. Also in the West many gay people even though they lead gay lives still are not happy. They have sex that leaves them empty, if thry want a relationship they meet guys with commitment issues. Some remain in dating for most of their lives, and do not manage to find another half. They also don't have family and children, and some of them would like to have them. There are some benefits in following your cultural background and getting married, having children, and meeting guys on the side, in secret. Many people do that. Maybe you can also find some lesbian, who also does not want a REAL marriage but would be happy to get married to you in order to have a family and children, but would ok about just being very good friends and not having a sexual relationship. Whatever you decide I encourage you to think about it very deeply and also think about your physical safety as priority.
If you can think of getting some kind education that can get you a visa to another country, where you can lead a more independent life, make plans to do it. Get your qualifications, go to university if you can, and get the best you can for yourself. That will give you options in your life!

You are right, it does not really work in Asian culture. Specially in Pakistan, family bounding is very tight. I could not imagine to hurt my parents by leaving them for no reason. They do allow me to live alone in an other city or country if i have a valid reason like job or study but leaving them without telling a reason wont work for me at all. Meanwhile, you can live alone in other countries like America and Europe because of financial support by government where in Pakistan this is not possible.

I am also planning to get study visa to other country but in the end, i have to return back to my home
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« Reply #13 on: November 08, 2016, 08:17:07 am »

Being aware that your government says "homosexuality is never existed in your Pakistan and LGBT rights are alien concepts to the country and therefore rising from the decadent West" (Jamaat-e-Islami), if I would be you I'll take into serious consideration even the possible consequences of a coming out (even if only within your family) for your future.

I'm not saying that having a marriage right is absolutely essential, but come on fellas this is not granting marriage, it's tolerate discrimination and persecution on a part of the population just because it does not conform to the dictates, I would call this felonious.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/04/world/asia/gays-in-pakistan-move-cautiously-to-gain-acceptance.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/pakistan/1453786/Acid-attack-on-boy-who-refused-sex-with-Muslim-cleric.html

Dunno what your family is like, but given the common denominator in your area, if you don't wanna leave the country, I'll marry a casual girl and forget forever about my true self, even if it's clearly not gonna work.

Never considered to fold up your tents and get out of that unreasonable habits ? Saying "I wanna leave the country, a marriage is only a burden for me in this moment 'cause I wanna leave." is not a bad idea, and just get out of that.

Even Malala Yousafzai had to leave, no one is gonna blame on you for that.

Indeed, it is crime to be gay in Pakistan which cause 14 year of jail but there is no case has been reported ever or no one has punished in Pakistan for being by police. Getting gay sex in Pakistan is very easy and usually they are straight guys or gay guys who are married with women.

Moving to other country is indeed the best idea but moving is not that easy because of low visa rate for Pakistani nationals.
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« Reply #14 on: November 08, 2016, 08:17:56 am »

I'm also living in a country where family pushes you to get married and can become insistent and meddling. In the end, the final solution for me was (after coming out to close friends) I worked up the courage to just flat out tell my parents that I am gay and not interested in marrying a woman. It sort of helped that by this time my younger brother had just gotten married- and my sister in law was pregnant so they were assured of a grandchild.

I know how hard it can be, but that was a turning point for me. They were not fully accepting, but they didn't reject me either. They didn't even ask me to move out. I eventually did so and found an apartment where I could live the way I wanted.

So-just to add to all the great advice you've already gotten from others- I say come out to your immediate family, if you are willing. If not, seriously try to find a job far away- in another city or country even, just to be able to live your life away from their shadow. It's not easy at the start, but it is worth all the hardship. You don't want to get into a sham marriage- it is not fair to you or the woman.

Take it one step at a time, explore job options and send in applications- as many as you can. Good luck. I hope things work out for you! Thanks for sharing your story with us.  Hug

What about you, are you going to marry a girl, if not then what are you telling your parents for not marrying a girl?
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« Reply #15 on: November 08, 2016, 08:22:35 am »

...just to add the points and advice mentioned above... is that if you DID marry a woman, as in what would be a FAKE and totally false marriage, and under the situation of totally false circumstances... it would eventually be DEVASTATING to the lady, very likely RUINING her life. Many women have actually committed suicide, following the realization of what was, in reality, a sham marriage... totally in deception, humiliation and betrayal.

MOVING to a major city (where sexual freedom is much more acceptable) and taking your chances there... would seem to be the only way out of this nightmarish situation you are currently in.

I have personal experience in this, having gotten married myself... then living the hell of living out my sexual needs and search for male love, in hiding... and eventually giving up, some 22 years later, with 3 kids... to finally be with my male lover and boyfriend at that time.

It devastated my family, and my kids won't even talk to me nowadays; so many ruined lives... all for the sake of trying to comply with other's sense of "normalcy".

I too can relate to not being able to tell your family you are gay. I was well into my forties, before I could tell my mother... and I never could manage to tell my father, in his lifetime.

Today? Finally, at 66, having moved from the USA (which is VERY homophobic, don't ever believe otherwise) to Thailand... which culturally is VERY accepting of gays... to be living now, over 10 years, with my Thai boyfriend, my best friend, lover, and boyfriend of my lifetime, totally accepted and embraced by his family...

...is kind of a happy ending, to the long nightmarish existence and path I chose (in ERROR)... when deciding to marry a girl, at 22.

Advice? Don't DO a sham marriage, move to a major city, and live your life, as you feel inside, being honest to your heart and true identity... and avoid destroying countless lives, by your honesty.

Good luck on your life path....   cheerup group hug in love Hearts

Hugs,
Pawpcorn

Thank you for sharing your experience. But trust me, If i would be at your place, i would probably kill myself before getting marry a girl. I can not even imagine this. I have even seen straight porn for few weeks to be straight guy but this does not work for me or you can say that its actually made me more gay.. The vagina looks too unattractive to me, even if i compare man ass with women, i would still go with man.

I know the girl my parents was me to get marry it is not force but they have asked me about my choice already and i told that I dont have any in my mind. So they have shared their choice. In short, my parents are all ready and waiting for my Yes only.. and here i am dying day by day...
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« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2016, 05:14:58 pm »

You mentioned you wanted to study in another country? That is a good idea, and if you go you don't have to come back. You can find a job in that country, which both gives you a visa and a reason to stay. Then you can keep saying you want to earn enough for a house and to support a family once you have one... Also, if you have an independent life abroad and make enough money for yourself, it gives you different standing if you ever decide to tell your parents....
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« Reply #17 on: November 09, 2016, 06:29:53 pm »


What about you, are you going to marry a girl, if not then what are you telling your parents for not marrying a girl?

Well, what I did was come out and tell them that I'm gay. It was difficult, and they weren't happy about it- but they stopped pushing me to get married. After that day, we don't really talk about it-I don't bring guys to meet them, and they don't ask about my love life.

I know it might be different for you, but if you think you and your family can handle it, I think you should consider coming out to them. For me it was worth it for the freedom I now have.
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Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.
But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
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« Reply #18 on: November 09, 2016, 07:48:56 pm »

In your culture... no ... do not tell the family you are gay, get your study visa go to a nice place, get a job there and the most time you are far away from them, the more your mind will change about returning and several ideas... Do not put your life in danger and put in your head that you do deserve to be happy. Just end that fear of rejection already and leave that situation in the past.
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« Reply #19 on: November 09, 2016, 10:40:43 pm »

I have not been in Pakistan, but how about a White Marriage? A White Marriage is a covered marriage of fake straight couples (or pretending straight couples), between a gay man and a lesbian woman who use it as a cover for their private freedom. It is a nice way to be able to live the gay life you want, but also keep your clueless family happy. Your lesbian wife will only cover you and you will only cover her, and nothing more. No shared life, no shared family plans. Just a marriage-cover.

In Greece, where homosexuality is legal and protected by the laws and constitution, sexual discrimination against gays is strictly prohibited. But even so, laws do not stop homophobia from existing in parts of the society, especially in distant, rural areas. Gays who happen to be living in small villages where societies are more conservative, often hide their sexual orientation from their parents, and an option is to move to bigger cities where life is liberal. However, for those who could not want for whatever reason, to move from their villages to cities, always have the option to seek a White Marriage, (aka find a Lesbian and make a covet marriage). This works well, and the ads for it can be found in newspapers or on internet.

I don't know how well the things in Pakistan, but perhaps you could try a White Marriage with a Pakistani Lesbian woman? However, this means your parents will have to accept and welcome a completely unknown woman in their family that is not a cousin to you, especially if your family has no lesbian women available for you in it.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2016, 12:24:24 am by (Hidden) » Logged


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