Any guy here who is actually close to his father ?
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« on: November 09, 2016, 11:56:05 pm »

me and my father are almost enemies and I noticed that most gays aren't close to their father at all, it makes me wonder if it's the main reason why we're gay and we weren't really "born this way"
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« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2016, 11:59:13 pm »

well i am definitely not close to my father.I just don't like his way of thinking and his manners.He always made me feel bad
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« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2016, 12:17:05 am »

I've actually got a great Dad- easy to talk to, and with a warm sense of humor. He may not approve of my being gay, but he has accepted it and it hasn't stopped us from staying close.

My Mom on the other hand is the textbook case of being overbearing, and domineering. If I'm not mistaken one of the cliche gay issues.

I guess it has been 50/50 for me. Others might have been luckier and had both parents being supportive and kind.
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« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2016, 12:39:16 am »

I didn't have a bad relationship with my father, but we were never really close. He was emotionally distant and an alcoholic and generally a complicated mess of a human being. I hadn't seen him for years when he died last year. I felt bad about that, but was strangely indifferent about it for the most part.

We were just so estranged, it felt like I didn't know him by that point. He wasn't an exceptionally terrible man at his core, just mixed up and closed off and a controlling alcoholic to boot. He was actually a somewhat prolific sexual abuser of children/teens as well, from what I've gathered. Kind of scary and shameful to confess that, but it should help to illustrate what I mean when I say he was "mixed up", and why we had such a distant relationship. He was sick, honestly. And I think that had a lot to do with why he drank and why he was so emotionally and socially reticent.

My mom is a bit neurotic (her mother and her mother's boyfriends and some of her own siblings were abusive in various ways, and so was my dad). But she's not overbearing. We have a good relationship, though her neurosis can occasionally get under my skin. I don't blame her for it, though, because I understand why she is the she is. My father, on the other hand, was a virtual stranger to me. We never really bonded emotionally, yet he wasn't totally incapable of kindness or platonic affection. It's just that I know next to nothing about his life, particularly his formative childhood/adolescent years, because he was so private.

I never came out to my dad, but part of me honestly thinks he liked the idea of me being a meek, timid "little boy", and probably would've been fine with me being gay (I think he was pretty open-minded or simply apathetic anyway, though it's hard to know since he basically never talked politics). I think it had more to do with his insecurity and desire to feel in control than it did his predilection for children... He didn't like the idea of a macho son who might be bigger and stronger and better than him... Lucky for him, I had two sisters and no "macho" male role model to emulate, and ended up being an effete wimp who hates sports and liked playing with Barbies. He even used to prepare food for me and my sister's tea parties. I really do believe he wanted a sissyboy for the sake of his own fragile ego.

TBH, I like who I am, if I sounded resentful there. It makes me feel unique, though it can sometimes be hard being so unable to identify with "guy stuff" and feeling alienated from most men, especially considering I'm gay. Even though I have girly sensibilities, I'm not really "femme" at all, which makes it even harder, because I can't even fit in with the femme gay guys anymore than I can the butch ones.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2016, 12:49:44 am by (Hidden) » Logged


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« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2016, 02:11:50 am »

me and my father are almost enemies and I noticed that most gays aren't close to their father at all, it makes me wonder if it's the main reason why we're gay and we weren't really "born this way"

many psychologist stated this as a possible contributory cause, but this is certainly not a cause.
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« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2016, 02:01:09 pm »

He didn't like the idea of a macho son who might be bigger and stronger and better than him... Lucky for him, I had two sisters and no "macho" male role model to emulate, and ended up being an effete wimp who hates sports and liked playing with Barbies. He even used to prepare food for me and my sister's tea parties. I really do believe he wanted a sissyboy for the sake of his own fragile ego.
very interesting story! ironically enough most of us would actually appreciate a father like that. but do you believe he's the one who made you gay ?
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« Reply #6 on: November 10, 2016, 06:41:46 pm »

Although I'm closer to my mother, my dad and I get along well when he was still alive. Even when I was younger, he knew I am gay and it's not an issue with him but my mischievousness was Smiley

I used to bring my gay highschool friends (then later my college friends) in my house during weekends and it's fine by him.
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« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2016, 06:51:51 pm »

I was really close to my Dad right up until he passed. We had a very good relationship, he would be critical of guys I dated, especially if they didn't like fishing (his favourite pass time).
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« Reply #8 on: November 10, 2016, 07:59:40 pm »

Me and my Dad never really looked eye to eye from a very young age. We have always been distant, and though he is an amazing parent and a great guy, we just don't agree to a lot of things. Moreover, we share none of the same interests. I was also a really feminine boy growing up, still am tbh, so he didn't really get to like bond with me over stuff like sports and other stuff like that. But that didn't stop him from letting me buy a Barbie doll instead of a toy car at the toy store.

Even though I'm pretty sure he won't be okay with me being gay (I'm not out yet; plus I'm from India so you can sort of expect that), I still love him, and I am eternally thankful for him, even if we can't share the typical father-son relationship.

 

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« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2016, 09:24:18 pm »

I get along with my dad but we are not really close, neither physically nor mentally. He lives in another country as well so that's probably a factor. I've told the whole world I'm gay, except for my parents. I don't like either of them that much (they want us to have a good relationship though). Sometimes you just don't click with certain people, even if they are immediate family members.

Although, my boyfriend has a great relationship with both his parents and they both know he's gay. So it really is an individual thing, you can't generalize.
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« Reply #10 on: November 10, 2016, 11:18:46 pm »

I'm gay because I have a domineering mother. My mom's sister and mother are even worse. Oh and my dad's mom and sister are rotten to the core.

Me and my dad are ok. But mom is just evil really. I always thought she was stupid, hateful, angry, trashy and never happy so I think that's where I just sort of realized women aren't worth it. I really don't enjoy women that much really...I find them self absorbed and flakey honestly.
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« Reply #11 on: November 11, 2016, 01:58:02 am »

He didn't like the idea of a macho son who might be bigger and stronger and better than him... Lucky for him, I had two sisters and no "macho" male role model to emulate, and ended up being an effete wimp who hates sports and liked playing with Barbies. He even used to prepare food for me and my sister's tea parties. I really do believe he wanted a sissyboy for the sake of his own fragile ego.
very interesting story! ironically enough most of us would actually appreciate a father like that. but do you believe he's the one who made you gay ?
I think I sounded really bitter when I wrote that, but I didn't mean to. It's hard even for me to understand my dad, is all. Everything I've said is pure speculation, most of it off the cuff. He was and continues to be something of an enigma to me. I appreciate that he did things like cook (good!) food, have picnics and fishing trips with us and prepare tea and snacks for our tea parties, but he never seemed emotionally present/involved in anything, even those activities. He was very accommodating and did a lot for us, but he seemed to just be going through the motions, showing no real emotions so as to be unreadable. Sometimes, I think maybe he was scared, because of the way he was, to "get too close" to his own kids on an emotional level. It seems as if being around us made him uncomfortable, which might explain why he seemed so distant, and why the few hugs I recall getting from him felt emotionally detached.

The thing is, I don't think he "made me gay" at all. I don't know for certain that he ever abused me, though I have personally identified a number of indications that he or someone else may have at some point in my life. Regardless, I can remember being "excited" (in as much as a pre-pubescent child can be, without necessarily understanding it as "sexual") looking at my sister's male Barbie dolls naked. This was at a very young age (around 6-7), so I suspect maybe I was always fruity (I saw the female Barbies naked plenty, too, but that didn't excite me). I just don't know whether or not I would've developed more stereotypically masculine sensibilities if he had been more present as an authoritative voice and educator in my formative years. Then again, he himself was not remotely into sports or other "guy stuff". Despite being mostly a gruff, insular, blue-collar alcoholic, he was also something of a pseudo-hippie gourmand/carpenter (he really could cook or build just about anything) who enjoyed the outdoors (I think he was about a quarter American Indian, which seems to have been important to his sense of identity). Not really "macho", cooking and interior design, is it? The main problem, though, was that he didn't really get involved with his own family, let alone other people. He didn't seem to like interacting with anybody. He was very private. A "loner", though "manly" in his own peculiar way. He actually built the first house I lived in. He just never taught me much of anything he knew, apart from fishing and how to prepare certain foods.

So, more than anything, I feel he simply left me a blank slate to be filled in by my mother and two sisters in his absence. I'm not really "girly" in terms of speech or mannerisms, but I can't seem to relate with stereotypically "manly" activities/sensibilities at all. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere because I "feel" like a man, but I don't relate well to other men (gay or straight). I mostly just relate to women, unsurprisingly. Apart from women, I seem to identify best and feel comfortable with eccentrics and weirdos. But they're hard to find, and usually slim pickings in terms of romantic potential. At any rate, I like my individual personality. It's what makes me "different". I just feel alienated because of it most of the time, though my severe anxiety is no doubt a worse hindrance than my general weirdness.

Anyway, to talk about my mother some more, in case anyone might think she made me gay, I doubt that as well. As I said in my earlier post, my mother wasn't domineering, or even molly-coddling. She just obviously couldn't take the place of a father in making me "more manly". She really let me and my sisters explore our own interests independently and allowed us be ourselves without spoiling or over-indulging us, though. But, having no male figures, I just ended up being sort of like the 3rd daughter of the family, because I defaulted to going along with what my two older sisters did. Fortunately for me, my eldest sister developed a lot of very unladylike interests (listening to extreme metal, going to concerts, wanting to be a mortician [though now she says she wants to be a crime scene photographer], etc.) once she hit puberty. She was the closest thing to a male role model I had. Grin
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« Reply #12 on: November 11, 2016, 03:44:57 am »

I am close to my dad and he was supportive of me when I came out, I feel so lucky and blessed!
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« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2016, 05:00:28 am »

I tend to avoid realating to my father, he always knew he had a gay son and used to punish me in severeal silly ways, just because he could not accept the fact.

I was forbidden playing with dolls (even Saint Seiya ones which i'm addicted to, i'm not referring to Barbies), or picking up female characters on video-games, i couldn't even wear all-star shoes (can you imagine?) all-stars inside his tiny mind was a gay shoe, i was forbidden practicing tenis at our usual club just because he heard that 2 tenis players were having an affair (which i had no clue, but after i came to find out it was true HAHAHA they were f*cking hot), so tenis suddenly became a gay sport and more... Unfortunately Embarrassed
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« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2016, 06:21:39 am »

I am close to my father.. it is more like the cultural things.. Families are really close in Pakistan including siblings, parents and even uncles and aunts.. When I was 12, my father beat me really hard due to studies but this did not effected our relationship as i told you it is more likely cultural thing..

I cant even think to live without my parents..  hugging But yes, i am also not out as gay and this could be change our relationship, so i prefer to hide my sexuality to make mine and their life easy .. lolz
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« Reply #15 on: November 11, 2016, 06:41:03 am »

I tend to avoid realating to my father, he always knew he had a gay son and used to punish me in severeal silly ways, just because he could not accept the fact.

I was forbidden playing with dolls (even Saint Seiya ones which i'm addicted to, i'm not referring to Barbies), or picking up female characters on video-games, i couldn't even wear all-star shoes (can you imagine?) all-stars inside his tiny mind was a gay shoe, i was forbidden practicing tenis at our usual club just because he heard that 2 tenis players were having an affair (which i had no clue, but after i came to find out it was true HAHAHA they were f*cking hot), so tenis suddenly became a gay sport and more... Unfortunately Embarrassed

To be fair, tennis is pretty gay. Grin No, I'm just trying to insert some humor into the discussion. That sounds like a very miserable upbringing in all seriousness. I am sorry.
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« Reply #16 on: November 11, 2016, 08:03:21 pm »

I tend to avoid realating to my father, he always knew he had a gay son and used to punish me in severeal silly ways, just because he could not accept the fact.

I was forbidden playing with dolls (even Saint Seiya ones which i'm addicted to, i'm not referring to Barbies), or picking up female characters on video-games, i couldn't even wear all-star shoes (can you imagine?) all-stars inside his tiny mind was a gay shoe, i was forbidden practicing tenis at our usual club just because he heard that 2 tenis players were having an affair (which i had no clue, but after i came to find out it was true HAHAHA they were f*cking hot), so tenis suddenly became a gay sport and more... Unfortunately Embarrassed

To be fair, tennis is pretty gay. Grin No, I'm just trying to insert some humor into the discussion. That sounds like a very miserable upbringing in all seriousness. I am sorry.

HAHAHA i was always feeling myself wearing that tiny pair of shorts, and feeling it. Don't be sorry, i've had overcome all of that, i'm pretty well resolved on the father matter
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« Reply #17 on: November 11, 2016, 08:39:08 pm »

My dad died before he found about about me.  We're distant so I wouldn't have told him anyway.  But my mom knew.
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« Reply #18 on: November 11, 2016, 10:18:52 pm »

My Dad was real tough when I was a kid, but I think to understand your parents you have to understand your grandparents.  People were raised tough back then, not like the (some) pussies today.  My grandfather was in WWI  when he was just 14.  My Father was in Vietnam so any "toughness" I experienced was nothing compared to what these men went through.  Talking with the straight guys at work and they were all afraid of their fathers too. When I came out at 22, my Father said, "Why didn't you tell me sooner?  Don't you love me?"  I replied, "Some Fathers disown their sons when they find out"  To which my Father said, "What kind of a man would do that to his son?"  I was really surprised.  Some of my fondest childhood memories are of camping with my Father.  So I invited my father to go camping at a gay campground I was going to and he had a good time and liked all my friends!  You know how your Father may tell you things and you think, that's not how it is he's just being old fashioned or ignorant?  I consider myself lucky to have been able to tell him was right about almost everything (before he died)  He was probably right about everything, I just don't know it yet.  After all, seldom does a young man see the world from the same eyes as an older man. 
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« Reply #19 on: November 12, 2016, 12:26:58 pm »

Close?

Me..Him?

Fuck no!

I’m assuming the “where” was Japan, and I’m not exactly sure of when they got married, other than before1960, when I was born; and if I had to guess, I’d say some time in 1959--almost certain if it was in 1958, it would’ve been late ’58.

Since he was in the military, I think even that brief time together before me had him overseas for most of it, stationed in Germany and Korea, I think. I remember my mom telling me he suffered a gunshot wound while in Germany. He claimed it was self-inflicted, having accidentally discharged his weapon while cleaning it. (My mom said it probably was a “girlfriend” who really shot him.)

My mom left Japan for the first time in her life, headed stateside in early 1960. He was overseas, and with me on-board, she may not have been alone, but without a doubt she was on her own.

Fortunately, her first place in her new country was ideal. She was taken in by her eldest sister--the first of her 7 siblings (3 younger sisters, and 3 older brothers) to come to the states…my mom being the second.

My aunt lived in Honolulu, Hawaii, and that’s where I was born. She had 2 sons and a daughter, and she too was married to a serviceman who, at the time, was also serving overseas!

I always found it interesting that, aside from the 3 brothers marrying Japanese women and remaining in Japan, all 5 girls eventually came to the U.S. and married outside of their race; and talk about personal preference and individual taste…one (my mom) went Black, one-- Chinese, one--Portuguese, the other 2--White (and 3, in addition to my mom, married military guys!).

The timing and situation that put her in Hawaii at that exact moment in her life (and my “life” as well, it would turn out) really couldn’t have been better for us for a number of reasons…

1. A stranger in a new and foreign country and not only was there a “familiar face” to help her transition--it’s her big sister--who happens to live in…

2. Hawaii (I’m sure there are worse places!)

3. (Regarding me…) It turns out my aunt immediately saw something was not right the moment she laid eyes on my mom when she arrived. A visit to the doctor confirmed, and this "something" required frequent doctor visits for the remainder of the pregnancy.

4. Kuakini Hospital (private medical facility in Honolulu), instead of the “army hospital” (on “base”). Whether the issue with my mom had to do with the availability of a bed or the service she required, the military hospital referred her to Kuakini Hospital (and covered all of the charges!).

My mom dumped my father by the time I was 4, and even before then, I can only recall actually seeing him just a few times, and remember only a couple of short stretches where he was physically there.

A “deadbeat dad” from the start, gambling was near the top of his skewed list of priorities. A loser at that as well, pawn shops probably had more of our personal belongings than we did! Family was low on the list--if it was on it at all.
 
He actually had us homeless for a brief period. While he was out there doing whatever the fuck he was doing, help from the Red Cross had my mom, sister, and me sleeping in the one bed in what my mom referred to as "shabby"--hotel room in downtown in Seattle, Washington.

After the divorce--like a deadbeat dad--“child support” could not be counted on. There was only one brief period where benefits were received, and that was while he was married to--I think wife #4--and that was because she was the one who actually assumed the responsibility. Once they got divorced, the payments stopped.

In all fairness, in spite of his shortcomings, and very meaningful to me--his being a military veteran and my father not only covered my tuition at the University of California, at Berkeley, but also provided me with a steady income throughout my college years--none of which would’ve been possible without him…and his death.

« Last Edit: November 12, 2016, 12:39:32 pm by (Hidden) » Logged
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