Need advice on relationship issues
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Author Topic: Need advice on relationship issues  (Read 547 times)
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« on: January 11, 2017, 06:32:25 am »

My best friend [Mutt]asked me out to coffee yesterday and needed to talk. I was quite surprised by the subject matter. Let's just call them Mutt and Jeff for privacy sakes. After hearing what Mutt had to say I was so shocked I didn't really know what kind of advice to give him and told him I would get back to him this week. I am asking you guys for your honest advice and opinion on the matter. Mutt and Jeff have been together for 2 years and Mutt is at his whits end with his partner and is really considering calling it quits. Mutt and Jeff live together They are both on disability so neither of them work. From what I am told Mutt leads a pretty normal life, stays up all day, sleeps at night, eats dinner at a normal time. It seems as though, Jeff is the opposite. He stays up all night, sleeps all day. When Mutt who normally does all the cooking and when dinner is ready, Jeff never wants to eat at the same time Mutt does. They never truly eat the same meal together at any given time. Mutt occasionally  likes to be held while watching TV or a Movie and Jeff will sometimes do that but tells Mutt that if they do that to much that he will get bored with it and won't want to do it much anymore. Same goes for sex, Jeff likes to take breaks from sex (sometimes as much as 2 weeks) saying that if they play on a regular basis that he will get bored with sex then. Mutt tells me sex lately with Jeff has been pretty bad and that it has been more of a jack off session more than anything else. When Jeff tries to penetrate Mutt he loses his erection, but when they jack off together, Jeff is hard as a rock and Mutt tells me for the first year the sex was fantastic. Mutt says that when he approaches Jeff for sex, Jeff tells him, "Oh you caught me off guard" or not now. It seems the only time they have sex or cuddle together is only when Jeff wants to.  Jeff likes to dip skoal and spends the majority of his waking time in the bathroom dipping, up to 8 times a day, 30 or 40 minutes at a time. So to put a long story short, I guess, Mutts needs and wants for a relationship have been squashed. Mutt is beginning to feel like he has a room-mate or a fuck bud instead of a life partner.  Mutt told me that if you love someone you shouldn't get bored with them, that you should want to be around them. To me it seems Jeff is taking Mutt for a ride. Mutt does all the housework while Jeff is asleep most of the day. Mutt cooks the meals and then eats by himself because Jeff isn't ready to eat, this bothers Mutt because he puts a lot of work into cooking and it just sits there for hours. Jeff says he should feel comfortable and be able to do whatever he wants, meaning his sleeping schedule, eating schedule, cuddle time and sex. And when Mutt says something to Jeff, Jeff becomes very argumentative and judgmental as well as defensive. Mutt told me he feels as though he is alone most of the time even though Jeff is in the house. I told him that if you really love someone you don't get "tired" of them or refrain from activities for a lengthy period of time, you want to be with them. Jeff told Mutt he feels like he is up under Mutt all the time. I told Mutt that they do not really sound compatible with each other anymore. It was not like this until after they moved in together. Mutt feels as though he has exhausted all efforts to try and I am not sure but it seems he is very unhappy. I had never seen him this upset before. Seems as though Mutt is putting in all the work in the relationship and Jeff is just coasting along.  What advice would you give?
« Last Edit: January 11, 2017, 06:59:45 am by (Hidden) » Logged


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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2017, 07:32:02 am »

Well, first of all
It seems that you look like a good friend to involve yourself to see how you can "Fix" the relationship

Anyways, id suggest that maybe Mutt should "ask" Jeff if he would do some sort of Relationship counseling; if Jeff refuses or delay's or just puts it off

then maybe Mutt should try to look for another someone in his life

I try to not look at the negative sides of relationships, But is there a "chance" that Jeff could be seeing someone while Mutt is sleeping or not at home??

if Mutt is your friend, Keep supporting him during these difficult times and tell him that your looking out for him; reguardless of how it turns out
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2017, 08:13:02 am »

Mutt and I have been friends for a very long time. I am not trying to "fix" their relationship. My friend asked me for my advice that is all.
Secondly, Jeff does not drive due to eye problems and does not leave the house unless he goes with Mutt somewhere. So I doubt very seriously that Jeff is screwing around on Mutt while Mutt is asleep. Thirdly, I will stand by my friend and be there for him no matter what decision he makes regarding his relationship.
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« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2017, 06:22:17 pm »

Wow, no more responses?
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« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2017, 08:36:04 pm »

Forgot to add this information: Jeff doesn't think anything is wrong with the relationship and is wanting Mutt to ask Jeff to marry him.
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« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2017, 12:05:55 am »

I was going to say it sounds like Jeff is checked out of the relationship for whatever reason, until you added:
Forgot to add this information: Jeff doesn't think anything is wrong with the relationship and is wanting Mutt to ask Jeff to marry him.

This makes it sound like Jeff is oblivious to how he's making Mutt feel.  And it sounds like he may have an egoistic personality, or incompatible ideas about what kind of relationship he wants versus what Mutt wants.  Either way, I'd say it's definitely time for the two of them to have a serious talk, and at least a 90% chance that it's time to see a counselor (either as a couple or each individually).  Are they in the UK?  I can't remember if the NHS covers counseling, though it would probably be a long wait if they do.

Bottom line, though, it sounds like it's time for drastic action.  Start seriously working on a relationship that fulfills both their needs, or start thinking about calling it quits.
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« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2017, 12:51:12 am »

Thank you, we are all from the United States here. I will take the advice given from you as part of what I share with Mutt, thank you so much.
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« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2017, 02:57:27 am »

Update: Well to those of you interested, Mutt called it quits with Jeff today. I am happy for him, will be there for him and glad he chose to start the healing process. He told me he will be seeing a counselor next week and Jeff will be moving out. Thanks for all your advice.
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« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2017, 03:25:05 am »

I'm sorry for them, but hopefully (and very likely, based on what you told us), that was the right decision and they can both move on to something better for them now.
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