Help with my relationship
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« on: January 23, 2017, 03:05:04 pm »

I've met a beautiful boy 9 months ago. After 2 months of dating we decided to become a couple hugging

We've been fighting ever since about even the smallest of things. He would get mad at me for not showing my feelings all the time (I admit I'm not really open about my feelings) and I would because he wouldn't discuss matters objectively. You can already guess that we're different people: he's more emotional, going with the flow, caring about what others feel, and I give more value to "truth" and facts, sometimes even to the point of being rude.

Last week he came to my house, and he stayed here for 5 days. Everything went fine for the first 3 days, because we hadn't seen each other for a month (I had gone to my family's place for the holidays), and the reunion was great. On the 4th day, though, we fought really hard.

I had to study for an exam I'm having tomorrow, and accordingly he had brought something to do in the meantime. The problem is that I couldn't study, because we always ended up doing something, and I also started to feel the weight of his presence: I do the cooking, cleaning and housekeeping at my place. I wanted to know if he could help me more, because I was overloaded and kinda restless cause I had to study. His response was that yes, he was willing to help, but I don't appreciate what he does already and that bugs him.

The fought kept going on forever until he decided to go, and I slammed the door behind his back. It was quite terrible, but we made peace and we're still together. So I was wondering if you could help me with this problem:
How to live peacefully together? I want him to stay with me and he wants too, but I have my duties/habits, and he keeps me too busy and doesn't accept my criticism.

Thanks guys c:
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« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2017, 09:46:12 pm »

eugh.
i had a similar problem with my ex, and issues with things feeling balanced around cohabitating. my only suggestion is that you guys take the time to accommodate eachother; you both have things that you need to do as individuals -- it's not that doing these things makes you care about eachother any less, but you can't have one or the other constantly over the shoulder (it results in irritation that could easily turn into an argument).
another part of it is handling those feelings when they come up; using language that is respectful to how much you care about the other person and accommodating rather than confrontational. try to manage outcomes from scenarios that come up, rather than letting your emotions get the best of you.

with my ex, we didn't live with eachother, but we did spend almost an equal amount of time at the others house (i.e. sleepovers, weekends). at one point he confronted me and said that it seemed like he was my only form of entertainment, because i was around so much and wanted to spend quality time; quality time happens when you have the time and the right circumstances to focus on it. it's not every moment of every day, that's why it's called quality time.
arguments will come up in any relationship and they can be healthy, but the trivial ones can lead dangerously into much bigger subjects.
hope that helps...!
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« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2017, 07:21:56 pm »

eugh.
i had a similar problem with my ex, and issues with things feeling balanced around cohabitating. my only suggestion is that you guys take the time to accommodate eachother; you both have things that you need to do as individuals -- it's not that doing these things makes you care about eachother any less, but you can't have one or the other constantly over the shoulder (it results in irritation that could easily turn into an argument).
another part of it is handling those feelings when they come up; using language that is respectful to how much you care about the other person and accommodating rather than confrontational. try to manage outcomes from scenarios that come up, rather than letting your emotions get the best of you.

with my ex, we didn't live with eachother, but we did spend almost an equal amount of time at the others house (i.e. sleepovers, weekends). at one point he confronted me and said that it seemed like he was my only form of entertainment, because i was around so much and wanted to spend quality time; quality time happens when you have the time and the right circumstances to focus on it. it's not every moment of every day, that's why it's called quality time.
arguments will come up in any relationship and they can be healthy, but the trivial ones can lead dangerously into much bigger subjects.
hope that helps...!

Thank you! You gave me a couple of good ideas. The "accomodating tone rather than confrontational" part strikes a raw nerve with me, so I'll have to work on that for sure.
I'll strive to spend quality time together and avoid the same situations as last week.
We've met yesterday for half a day, and it all went fine, indeed. The time limit made us both more patient and we tried to "make it count".
May I ask you why your relationship ended, eventually? I'm full of doubts and I'm trying not to get too carried away. Any help is appreciated  Smiley
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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2017, 08:26:24 pm »

Relationships that start of with having to "work" at it usually don't end up "working" in the long term. I'd say, let him read what you typed there for advice and go from that.
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