Such a retard title, but I just couldn't figure out better one.
The thing is guys, I would like to seek advice from you and help me understand some things or just interpret them the way maybe I don't see.
I would divide this in parts so maybe you guys don't have to read anything if you're not interested.
There will be TLDRs for those parts so lazy wise people don't have to read all the shit Breakup
Last year I met someone stunning. You probably know that cause I emphasize it in every possible topic. Well we had ups and down but he just couldn't really settle with me I guess. He hurt me cause I was more into him than he into me. I was able to die for him and he was always backed out and just never trusted me. I have a lot of anger towards him cause he just left me without even saying it or an explanation and later when we had quiet time he just accidentally met someone new and it's like almost year since I was hurting and like 4-5 months they've been together now. Despite all that: I never loved someone like that. Not even my family not my friends or anyone before him. My heart was at peace with him and I've been struggling with depression for over 10 years. He was like the missing piece I was searching for all my life. It hurts. It hurts very much when I just think about him with the other guy and the whole "happy" thing. I just can't. We're still not even cause I have a lot of that anger and regret and a lot to say. He wants to be friends and I gave him an ultimatum. Either he IS a friend and he treats me fair and with respect (like other friends cause a lot of time he would not answer or reply or just bail - he lives 7-8 hours away from me though he moved now somewhere else) or we just won't talk and won't have any contact cause that's killing me. He said he wants to talk and that he cares otherwise he wouldn't text me but why he texts if he's not even interested in answer? He could just quit but he says he wants me (in a colleague context). I'm either a bitch towards him or just tell him how much he fucking destroyed my life. Because I haven't been sleeping any ever since. I have nightmares about him and I just have those moments when I just sit and cry and can't accept the fact. He still wants to be there. He probably sounds terrible in this description but he's not. He's a good person but I don't know why, he chose me to fuck around my brain and manipulate and he just always say it was not his intention. That's just my side of story - his is probably different, but he agrees he didn't act all awesome. He fucked up and I'm probably angry because he doens't feel guilty enough. I know the feedback for this - he's toxic, cut him off, he's just an asshole. HE IS. But he's also a great person when he's not troubled, our time together was really WOW. It was the best days in my life. Literally. Cause he's classy, smart, funny, masculine I just love the way he smiles or laughs or is just excited to eat sweets even though he technically shouldn't cause he's bodybuilding. I love every single detail about him. The things is he didn't give us a proper chance. A chance we deserved by getting through so much hardships. He didn't think it strenghtens us. He probably jsut associated me with all those troubles. I honestly still think after all the time it was just as strong as I was before all that, that he is the man of my life. If not now then later. But I just can't ignore that. I know you guys think otherwise on this one but I've been chatting, meeting, dating, reading profiles of thousands of men. It just doesn't work.
TL;DR my almost bf - man of my life - after struiggling with our relationship left me found another guy and is happy now, I can't get over that cause I still love him even moreAffection?
Or maybe how did it affect me. As mentioned above: I don't sleep, I can't date guys without thinking about him. Either it's no fun at all cause all men just feel like strangers or it's fun for a moment and then I wake up with even bigger sadness. He's happy in a bed with a guy he's starting to love and I'm wasting time suffering with a man I don't even know. I still find other men sexy of course, just far from the perfection he was. Even if the guy is better built or something it just doesn't work for me. Whenever I'm doing the thing I want to do or like I just think about saving all the best stuff til he comes back. But he won't. He's not coming back. Even how much desperate I am to hope for that, it won't happen. I'm trying to accept that or find stuff to wrap my head around but it's not working. Helping a little but not permanently. I know form experience that time heals, but here.... time hasn't changed a thing. Something's missing. When we broke up for the first time I went to visit him and I knew I'm gonna see him for the last time. It did for me. We had sex, we had a wonderful time talking honestly and I was almost crying from happiness. Wished him al lthe best and I was ready to let go and move on and wait for him eventually. But this time we didn't have that chance that's why it was harder. I just feel like I want to or need to tell him all the things I need him to hear and give it some kind of closure or a statement. I'm that type of a person. He hated that my mind was always so analytical and all I did was plan every single minute of the life. But I really feel I have to. If I'm to hold this grudge in my heard it will turn all bad cause I've seen in it before. So I can't really cut him off to we limited our conversations to minimum ( I did ) he said he's gonna reply for my long message ( you know his pain now too guys xD ), he will but he has to think it through, he didn't in week and a half though. No answer. I just can't stop loving him but I want to date other guys maybe try something, but I don't want to hurt anyone as well.
TL;DR I don't have a normal life now and I need to get everything straight with him but it was never that easy. My heart is broken and still loves him, I want to temporarily fix it or just replace the piece but I don't want to hurt anyone and besides I can't find a guy I'm interested inLast Weekend
Well last weekend I really didn't have anything to do and weekends always kill me because I have a lot of time to think about him and I know that he's not at work but probably relaxing somewhere with that guy and laughing, having sex or stuff. I invited a guy from a group of cities it's like 1,5 hour to the nearest and 2h to the furthest from my hometown. Well he appeared we had some good time actually. He is 15 years older but he looks really young and is a good looking guy with beard. Okay we had sex few times. I'm not a whore but we got to know each other because we spent the whole weekend together and we were like sleeping in the same bed so sex just appeared magically from nowhere like Narnia in a fucking wardrobe and I just couldn't help it. I liked it at the time. I got to know him a little more and I learned that he's fun but I just don't get his sense of humor (or more like lack of it). I started to see that he's a little gayboy-ish and laughs a little faggy and I know it's mean but I just don't like stuff like this. It turns me off. Most of the time he will just totally twist something I say or he will answer so much not connected to the question I asked. It's like he's in other world in his head. And I don't really get if he is serious or not. It started to piss me off and I don't feel uncomfortable around him. We talked really a little afterwards and it was obvious to me that we're just keep being buddies. He invited me for a party this weekend. It was more like - I don't have anything to do / - Then come meet my friends it will be cool. And I was like lol you're telling me that a day before (talk about planning) but I just remembered that my bro and our friends were going there for a weekend so I was like ... well the fuck I have to loose. I went fully carpe diem and quickly packed and got along in car with them.
TL;DR I met a guy slept with him but didn't think it was such a good idea and it wasn't for me but wanted still be buddies though I think he might want more. He invited me for a party this weekend and I took a car with my bro&friends and went there alone after departing with them for a nightNew guy?
- no TL;DR for this part
When I was at the party there were like 3 other gay friends of him. It was the first time I was around gays only and it was like . . . weird. But fun! Then two more guys appeared. The thing is I got along pretty cool with almost anyone but not the guy I was sleeping at (who held the party). Let's call him X. So X was all bottom-ish with the other guy and was like talking gibberish all the time or just doing weird shit. He - as far as I know - told them a lot about my hometown before I came around and probably about me too. They probably thought we're dating. But we are fucking not... to my knowledge at least... There was also the other guy... let's call him Y. So he had a nice, a little nerd-ish but handsome face with a lot of scruff and cute glasses. He used to be very muscled but he got to the hospital because of gluten intolerance so he got a little belly here and there... but still his arm was huge! He doesn't really look like muscled guys I pursue but there was something masculine and still cute and adorable about him. I liked him the moment I entered the room. And here's how the story goes. We didn't really talk but through the night we figured we have a lot in common especially education. We had some topics to talk through and a lot of time we would just be left alone in a room. We were talking, we were sitting close we were sometimes closer while watching some shit on the phone or embracing a little during taking a picture. Here's the thing. I was very drunk. But even when I'm drunk I always keep the brain unharmed. I can do a lot of amazing stuff even when I'm drunk and I can wobble but my mental abilities are still at their best and my perception stays sharp. But I don't know if I was imagining things. Me and Y sometimes acted like a casual couple. We started to joke around in a very open way towards each other. He would call me "baby" for a joke or we would share drinks and stuff and one time he was like "you are soooo good ... you will be someday... rewarded by ... (10 seconds of pause) ... by X". Like he wanted to say he will return the favor but then thought it might be not a good thing to say and changed that to X because he probably convince everyone that we're dating. Y and I also joked around something about our pic together so someone asked "you're connected on facebook, you two?" and he was like "yeeeeah... we even have set 'in a relationship' status". Of course it was a joke but I don't know how much of a joke there was in it. The next thing was that we were just you know chatting, sitting close to each other and getting so comfortable with ourselves (not in a physical way of course cause I would not do that to X) that we had already our inside jokes that when he was leaving the guys that came later said to me "oh so you're going too?". Cause they probably thought we were together? When he said goodbye to everyone he just left the apartment turned around waved to everyone and just looked at me and we had this 3 sec eye contact and the door closed. Conclusions
I don't know what it is but i really liked that Y guy. I just liked him wanted to be close to him, I think we could or tried to understand each other even when we didn't agree at first at something. There was something about him that made me feel good in a way I didn't in a long time. It's not even 8% to what I felt with my ex that was described in a first paragraph but IT WAS SOMETHING at least. And I already feel dead. So just maybe.
I don't know what about that X guy. How should I stay buddies with him if he wants the other thing. Or maybe he doesn't and I'm freaking out? But the party showed otherwise, though he wasn't all over me until we were alone. I didn't have sex with him or kiss or anything sexual. He tried to get close but I ignored it. How do you deal with this? Should I just start conversation? I'm quite a talker and my ex hated me for talking for hours about serious things about our relation and trust issues but this is the moment I just wouldn't know what to say.
Should I try and approach the Y guy? I want to maintain contact and stay in touch but I'm not really sure how to do that too. I'm just being casual for a moment and try to emphasize that I'm not with X. I guess that's why he didn't make any move and I kind of understand it. If their friends he didn't want to ruin his friends date. But even despite that (maybe alcohol helped) I felt some chemistry between us.
Is there a sense for me to pursue a relationship? Some people say "you're broken, unless you want to hurt someone don't date anyone until you get over your ex". The thing is I will never get over him. And especially... I will never get over him unless I focus on someone else or do something, right?
The last thing. Maybe I flirted with the Y guy but still... we talked a little and he said something like "I don't require much, just want a normal, masculine, who's smart and intelligent and can earn for himself and achieved something in life" and I was like " well that's high expectations already in a gay world lol". Yeah cause around my city... that's what you would call a real luxury there. He said then "that's why I'm single". Well even if there something between us. I'm a fucking student still. With no job. Hopefully it will change in few months maybe I'll move maybe not but I'm not even sure if I want to work as an engineer cause I love music and would love to focus on that. I just feel like a fall guy compared to his expectations. So I don't know if it should be wise to consider actually starting anything with him.
Thanks if you survived. You can put that in your CV really.