From the very start of our sexual realization, our (gays) sexuality was seemingly never a private endeavor.
We had to define ourselves against the opinions of others, and to solidify that identity, we further categorize and label ourselves.
There's nothing wrong with the above phenomenon, it is simply an observation and statement.
In other words, we had to realize, confirm, approve and seek validation for our sexuality. And in the process, I think we've gotten too used to it being in the public domain; in the opinion of others.
Again, there is nothing wrong with it. It's not like it's our fault for being too insecure, it's just what happened in the process.
Most importantly, one of the biggest logic or consolation behind our sexuality has been that it is natural. It is who we are, and it was simply a matter for us to discover. I personally agree with this perspective.
BUT. HOW that sexuality expresses itself or manifests, is not set-in-stone. It's not a matter of 'discovering' it and actualizing it like we did with our sexuality. In fact, it changes over time. Because behind every sexual fetish or desire, is yet another hidden motive/desire. And you never know how that primary desire may be fulfilled, either it be sexual or not.
To be honest, I don't have the answer myself, as I myself am going through this. I THINK I have this sexual fetish, I jerk off to some fucked up shit too. I portray different parts of me (hyper dominant vs hyper submissive) to different people, and THINK that I have a taste, an ideal romantic partner etc.
But guess what. I met someone that proved me wrong. I thought I wanted to be fucked like an object. Objectify me, dehumanize me, use me. Strip me of my ego so that I need not defend it anymore, because I am tired of rebuilding and defending it. It's almost like those people who WANT to get HIV, so they never have to worry about it again.
With tender care, somehow, this one person managed to convince me, that I do not need to defend my ego with him, nor surrender.
This is all new to me, so I don't know how to describe what is going on. All I know is, despite my usual sexual fetishes, somehow, with him, I think I can make it work.
Hell, who knows, he might even be into it later on, if we ever get to discussing that part of me. Also, by the time that timing comes around, maybe I will be a different person too, in which case the fetish might not be a thing anymore either.
In conclusion, I think there are two things you are really asking: 1. Our sexual identity, 2. Moralization of our sexual identity.
Different philosophies have differing opinions on this. Some suggest that thoughts become words, words become seeds, and seeds bloom and you reap what you sew. Others, suggest that we are self-conflicted beings with various permutations of expressions of our desires: some more direct than others, some more twisted than others; and that the thoughts are not what defines us, and that our actions define us.
I personally believe in the latter, not simply for the sake of my peace of mind, but also because I know better than to think that I am not a self-conflicted individual. The fact is, we all are. Our unconscious mind seemingly has a mind of its own, and no matter how hard I try to control it, it never seems to work that way.
By punishing yourself for being self-conflicted, you further fragment yourself. What good does that do?
If anything, I've been approaching life as if it's all a fucked up puzzle. Once in a while, someone comes along, and helps me solve each piece at a time. When I think I've figured it out, someone shows me yet another bigger picture. In essence, the overall definition or identity is always changing, and we need not punish ourselves for every step of the way. Because it's not permanent, and doesn't have to define us, unless we want it to.
Instead of guilt, I say, take a curiosity to it. Don't be completely controlled by it. Don't mindlessly pursue it just because of the pleasure it brings. ALLOW yourself to indulge in it, but at the same time, remain aware. As that fetish itself is not the end goal, but simply a clue, a door to somewhere deeper within yourself.
Do not confuse the process as the end goal itself. It does not define you, but is a companion guiding you to self discovery.
Sorry if my language is convoluted and overly poetic. I'm slightly drunk
When it comes to my fetishes (objectification, as described above), I've slowly learned overtime that it stems from my abusive father. Because of the trauma, I developed a defense mechanism over time, which involved building this massive barrier and protection: a metal solid ego. But because that's not natural to me, or is too tiresome to maintain, the relief from it manifested as a sexual fetish; the very opposite, complete loss of control.
When I first started psychotherapy, I thought there was something 'wrong' with me that needs fixing. See a parallel yet?
Just like you are approaching your fetish as an end rather than the means, I thought my 'troubles'were the end that needs discovery and fixing, rather than it being the means. By inquiring and coming to terms with my past, and WILLINGLY deciding where I want to be (rather than be controlled by it), I realized that my past trauma were simply the means for me to discover myself, but not what defines me.
Hope this helps.