What constitutes or forms an abusive relationship?
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Author Topic: What constitutes or forms an abusive relationship?  (Read 379 times)
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« on: January 31, 2018, 11:03:14 am »

Besides the physical beating, what else adds to an abusive relationship?

I met someone last year a few years younger than I am. At first he was incredible, woed me, made me feel amazing, shared a lot, laughed alot and basically thought we were a good match, up until two months later he asked to move in with me.

From the second week it became toxic for us. He was angry or depressed, volatile or completely child-like. He would tell me things I'm not allowed to do by verbally saying it in a manner that related to his ex husband did with him. Things like I must get be fine with him sharing porn or sexual content of himself or porn characters to his friends. He would spend hours a day on his phone, chatting to others. When I would ask him to just leave his phone for a while, he would react to me and ask me if I am jealous. All I really wanted was his time with me.  He often related our relationship to his previous marriage. I wasn't allowed to do certain things in ours because it was what his ex husband would do. Eventually I became a yes man, because if I had my own opinion over something we disagreed over, he would scream at me, stamp his fists on the kitchen counter or slam my car doors over and over. He then after would crawl into a ball and rock himself.

He is a horse trainer and watched him discipline a horse that i came to realize he would do the same technique on me, using a fear base approach to get a horse or myself to submit. I saw him on one occasion beat a horse with his whip to the point where I reacted to him verbally and became volatile to me.  

He always had excuses when it came to our sex life. He said if I got sex toys or poppers, or pills etc then he would have sex with me. Eventually I didn't bother because he had excuses every time even after I accommodated his requests.

He told me that I must support him emotionally and physically in our relationship. I would disagree with him on this and then he would manipulate me by making false pretenses or commitments to things he would never deliver on.

He always had nasty things to say about my family and friends, he clients and judged others over their weaknesses in life  
He would run out of money and at the last minute ask me for cash to fill my car so that he can go train these horses. He drove my car recklessly over farm roads and eventually stuffed up y wheels and power steering, If i had mentioned to him to respect my things he would say I am just like hie ex husband or he would become angry at me.

He would often ask me advise on something and when I give it, he would say that's not the right advise and reprimand me over it.
When we were with friends he would become sarcastic and mean towards me, to a point where it would become uncomfortable to our friends around the dinner table.

In restaurants as a form of control, he would start pinching me painfully to points where my skin would bleed or bruise. He drank every night and when I asked him to maybe drink every second night instead he would reply in a derogatory manner

He was big on appearance wearing cowboy hats expensive jeans and shirts neat beards etc to attract other people around him. He would criticize others for not dressing well. He only wanted the best professional photos taken of him on horses so that he can attract the market using his looks. This would upset me because he became narcissistic in nature. I think dressing up or grooming oneself is important but i think not to a point where it causes narcissistic tenancies.  

After him throwing me around and beating me in the bedroom and manipulating me like he would do with a horse during a fight, i decided then to leave him. He often use to threaten me with a hand gun he had and would say he would use it on himself if I left him. I was more worried about him using it on me.

Im still in fear at the moment and honestly have huge anxiety that I am finding I cant get out of bed at days at a time. I'm embarrassed about this because I think if I tried harder this wouldn't have happened. I'm too embarrassed to even speak to a professional about this, which is why I'm talking about it on here.


« Last Edit: January 31, 2018, 11:13:28 am by (Hidden) » Logged


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« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2018, 04:58:21 pm »

abusive relationship does not only pertain to something physical...emotional abuse is as hard as the physical one
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« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2018, 09:07:00 am »

He sounds like a narcissistic sociopath asshole. Get out of it safely.
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« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2018, 04:01:06 pm »

Emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse: a big tell-tale sign is when the partner gets jealous and starts monopolising your time, forbidding you to see your friends and your loved ones, thereby forcing you to rely on the partner as your only source of emotional comfort. Gaslighting, constant lying, guilt-tripping, and tearing you down with insults also contribute to the problem.
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« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2018, 01:36:03 am »

This sounds extremely toxic! A good partner in a relationship should appreciate and support you. There is a research saying that if you get more than one "negative" (e.g. "you act like a moron", "it's because of you I...") feedback from a partner for every five "positive" (e.g. "I love your smile", "you're so intelligent", "thank you for preparing me a breakfast") - it's not gonna last...
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« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2018, 12:03:28 pm »

When you are not comfortable with how your partner is treating you.

Because believe it or not, to another man, the events you described would actually not fall under abuse, and those are things he doesn't mind. Some guys aren't bothered by egocentric, narcissistic men like that. Some of those issues woudln't necessarily be liberating to him, but he would find particular ways to deal with it, and it would not be considered abusive. He just likes being dominated like that.

If you love this man, then you need to find ways to deal with these types of things.

But if that's not okay if it becomes uncomfortable for you, and shit like that doesn't fly with you, then that's abuse and you need to take action over that.

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« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2018, 04:08:28 am »

I completely disagree with the post above - what you describe are all classic abuse. The violence, the manipulation, the gaslighting, the degredation (sp?), etc. He's got you feeling so ashamed, so down, that you're too embarassed to seek even professional help. I mean, if you fear that he might use his gun on you, how can anyone say that he's just a big selfish dick? I helped run shelters for abused women in California for three years, and what you describe sets off all the domestic violence alarms.

All I can say is that for your own safety and sanity you need to leave ASAP. And I mean physically  leave. I have no idea where you live, and what sort of resources are available, but you do need to seek professional help in getting away. It's unfortunate that people subject to abuse often find leaving a very difficult thing to do, but relationships like this generally tend to NOT get better and often get much worse.

If you are in the US, Canada or Europe, there are often resources pertaining to domestic violence, some of which focuses on the LGBT community. You can anonymously approach any number of resources; your local LGBT center (if there is one) is a good place to start. Even contacting a resource for DV for women (in California, the YWCA often deals with DV issues) might produce some good advice or referrals. Many areas also have DV toll-free hotlines that you can call.

But the most important thing is that you get out of there; nothing is more paramount than your own safety, whatever your partner may try to say.

Good luck.
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« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2018, 04:51:19 pm »

Most of what you have described constitutes abuse. Any behaviour that make you uncomfortable emotionaly or physically.
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