I am in a relationship of almost 5 years, my first relationship ever. I am in my late 20â€™s and heâ€™s in his early 30â€™s now. We moved in together about 2 and a half years ago, we live in the bay area. It was a rough start at the beginning, as I was immature and did not know how to place my feelings. Being a gay man, I never got to explore and sort those early feelings like my peers did in high school, I was catching up emotionally and mentally.
We both are different, I am more emotional and heâ€™s more logical. And that is the how it is for everything. I am the loud one in the relationship and more carefree as he is the one who is grounded, quiet, and stern. But we both have enough similar interests and despite having such opposite personalities we share enough that we make it work.
A few nights ago, I had dinner with a previous co-worker. Heâ€™s in his mid-40â€™s. We both know each otherâ€™s gay and we both are in a relationship. The night started out slow, I asked him how he was doing, and we had the typical talk that everyone has after not havenâ€™t seen one another for a while. After our first beer, he asked me if Iâ€™ve been to the Castro. I told him no, and being a gay man living in the bay area, he would have thought Iâ€™ve visited at least once. My partner and I are both very low-key, even prior to meeting one another we donâ€™t do bars or clubs or participate much at all in the gay community.
So, this co-worker took me around, and showed me the strip and we finally settled in one of the smaller quieter bar thatâ€™s off the main street. We had another beer or two, and just talked, shared experiencesâ€¦ and found out that we have a lot in common. Personality wise, we fit well. He then asked to kiss me, and I saidâ€¦ Yes. My partner has always been against PDA and heâ€™s always felt uncomfortable being in public, but this is the Castro and this co-worker just didnâ€™t care and this ignited somethingâ€¦
The night ended with a hug and a kiss as he saw me off. I told him that we both are in a relationship and the timing isnâ€™t right and it would be disrespectful to proceed if we are not already disrespecting our partners.
I came home and sleptâ€¦ and I just couldnâ€™t, even though I had enough beer to have a hangover the next day. Outside my partner, Iâ€™ve never been with another gay man, so I can see how this can be an infatuation. My relationship is good, we both rely on one another, financially, me more so than him but we have a good relationship overall. We are both somewhat compatible in our sex life, we have sex frequently enough. The spark is not there anymore but we make it work.
I however, cannot get over thinking about this co-worker. I think about my future with my partner and if this is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life and I just cannot give myself a definite answer. One, being that Iâ€™ve never experience what I might be missing out as I never got to test the waters. My partner had been in 3 other relationships before meeting me, so for him heâ€™s been given the options to choose what he liked or didnâ€™t liked.
I cannot help thinking that sometimes I am missing out on something. I sound selfish, but I told my partner if he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, I do not know what Iâ€™d sayâ€¦ And heâ€™s aware of that a long time agoâ€¦ Marriage isnâ€™t an end game goal for either of us, as we are comfortable with how the relationship is, if it happens then it happens.
For those of you whose been in a similar situation, how did you guys mend your feelings, respond to your partners, and the third party? I am walking in the dark. I am not sure if I am writing this for you to read or for me to healâ€¦ I feel like such a piece of shit