« on: October 11, 2018, 12:39:44 am »
My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. Itâ€™s a game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, â€śSure, youâ€™ve got balls donâ€™t you?â€ť
â€śYes, but on cold mornings they are hard to find.â€ť
â€śBring them to the clubhouse tomorrow and we will tee off.â€ť
â€śWhatâ€™s tee off?â€ť
â€śItâ€™s a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.â€ť
â€śNot for me,â€ť I said. â€śYou can tee off in front of the clubhouse, but Iâ€™ll tee off behind the barn somewhere.â€ť
â€śNo, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger.â€ť
â€śYeah, Iâ€™ve got one of those.â€ť
â€śWell, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.â€ť
â€śYou play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.â€ť
â€śYou do, youâ€™re standing up when you put your ball on the tee.â€ť
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, â€śYouâ€™ve got a bag havenâ€™t you?â€ť
â€śYour balls are in it, arenâ€™t they?â€ť
â€śOf course,â€ť I told him.
â€śWell, canâ€™t you open your bag and take one out?â€ť
â€śI suppose I could, but Iâ€™ll be damned if I am going to.â€ť
â€śDonâ€™t you have a zipper on your bag?â€ť
â€śNo, I am the old fashioned type.â€ť
â€śDo you know how to hold your club?â€ť
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, â€śYou take your club in both handsâ€¦â€ť
I knew right then he didnâ€™t know what he was talking about.
Then he said, â€śSwing it over your shoulderâ€¦â€ť
Thatâ€™s not me at all. Thatâ€™s my brother heâ€™s talking about.
He asked, â€śHow do you hold your club?â€ť
Before I thought about it, I said, â€śWith two fingers.â€ť
He said that wasnâ€™t right.
He got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me.
Well, he couldnâ€™t catch me there. I didnâ€™t spend four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, â€śYou hit the ball with your club and it soars and soarsâ€¦â€ť
I could well imagine that.
â€ś. . and when youâ€™re on the green . . .â€ť
â€śWhatâ€™s the green?â€ť
â€śThatâ€™s where the hole is.â€ť
â€śSure youâ€™re not color blind?â€ť
â€śThen you take your putter in your handsâ€¦â€ť
â€śWhatâ€™s a putter?â€ť
â€śThatâ€™s the smallest club made.â€ť
â€śThatâ€™s what I got, a putter.â€ť
â€śAnd with it, you put your ball into the hole.â€ť
I corrected him, â€śYou mean the putter.â€ť
â€śNo, the ball. The hole isnâ€™t big enough for the ball and putter too.â€ť
Well, Iâ€™ve seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
â€śThen,â€ť he said, â€śafter you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17.â€ť
Well, he certainly wasnâ€™t talking about me. After two holes Iâ€™m shot to hell.
â€śYou mean you canâ€™t make 18 holes in one day?â€ť
â€śHell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole!
â€śBesides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?â€ť
â€śThe flag will go up!â€ť
Well, golfing is not for me!