Going back in the closet
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« on: February 04, 2019, 01:42:55 am »

Has anyone here gone back in the closet?

I came out in 8th grade and rode the 'out loud and proud' train for quite a few years.  In that time I found myself becoming less and less happy.  High school is a weird time for everyone so this isn't unique but a lot of it just felt off.  In my senior year I started a rugby team and for the first time in a long time I was hanging out with a bunch of guys instead of girls.  Despite being out I was new at this school and not everyone knew me so I was treated by the majority of them like just another guy.   When I moved to LA and went to school I was out of the closet again, and found myself in the same situation I was before: men kept me at arms length and women adored me yet annoyed me.    The best I could ever hope for is ot be someones 'gay best friend' instead of just their 'best friend'.

When I started at a new work place I figured I'd just not come out for a little while, that I'd wait until the relationship dynamics were established and then reveal myself.  Fast forward two years and I just still hadn't come out and life was great.  I am not very romantic and instead am fulfilled more by friendships, so I didn't feel like I was missing much.   I am attractive so it is easy to get laid on apps and even if I want to go out to a gay bar it isnt; like I am worried about my straight friends finding out.  A lot of them piece it together over the years and are peripherally aware, but at this point our dynamic and relationship is so well established that I'm not put in a 'gay' box.

I find I enjoy this a lot more and while I'll go wherever life takes me I could see myself living an entire life like this.
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« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2019, 06:57:46 pm »

The whole point about coming out is opening ourselves to let others inside a previously hidden part of us.
By that definition, we also invite rejection and avoidance.

As long as you're not harming others (by having a double life, say), the only metric you should use is how comfortable and free you are with your life decisions.
If you find yourself enjoying a more subdued life without being out and proud, then by all means, you do you.

At the same time, I find myself questioning the idea that being out in any way = being shoved in a certain box and treated accordingly. I don't think you're giving your friends enough credit.


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« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2020, 12:31:32 pm »

I'm out but I'm an introvert, so being gay may come up in conversation, such as life stories, or the occasional "oh, he's hot", but if this never came up, people wouldn't know I was gay. A group of people I had been hanging out with for months only recently recently realized that I was gay. I just gave them a confused look, and asked, "You didn't know?" since I'm not the most masculine presenting man out there. We had a laugh, and just moved on.

This has worked for me for years. I don't have to deal with awkwardness, or the "GBF" situation, and generally other people just stroll through without questioning anything.
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« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2020, 02:47:06 pm »

Has anyone here gone back in the closet?

I came out in 8th grade and rode the 'out loud and proud' train for quite a few years.  In that time I found myself becoming less and less happy.  High school is a weird time for everyone so this isn't unique but a lot of it just felt off.  In my senior year I started a rugby team and for the first time in a long time I was hanging out with a bunch of guys instead of girls.  Despite being out I was new at this school and not everyone knew me so I was treated by the majority of them like just another guy.   When I moved to LA and went to school I was out of the closet again, and found myself in the same situation I was before: men kept me at arms length and women adored me yet annoyed me.    The best I could ever hope for is ot be someones 'gay best friend' instead of just their 'best friend'.

When I started at a new work place I figured I'd just not come out for a little while, that I'd wait until the relationship dynamics were established and then reveal myself.  Fast forward two years and I just still hadn't come out and life was great.  I am not very romantic and instead am fulfilled more by friendships, so I didn't feel like I was missing much.   I am attractive so it is easy to get laid on apps and even if I want to go out to a gay bar it isnt; like I am worried about my straight friends finding out.  A lot of them piece it together over the years and are peripherally aware, but at this point our dynamic and relationship is so well established that I'm not put in a 'gay' box.

I find I enjoy this a lot more and while I'll go wherever life takes me I could see myself living an entire life like this.

Unfortunately, this boils down to social constructs. And we can't do anything about them. Having said that, being out is still very important, because there is a difference in quality of life living your truth. Not only that, you can quickly identify who's your str8 ally and who's not.
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« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2020, 05:25:56 am »

Perhaps it's because I'm an editor, and word choice holds especially powerful significance to me...

...but I wish you could speak of this, and consider this, something different than "going back in the closet."

The "closet" is a very sad and painful concept for many, both historically and in the present day.  Better for our "out" gay brothers -- some of whom who have suffered and paid a great price -- that you think of your situation as "being more discreet about your private life" or a similar term.

The closet is a dark and solitary place -- don't imagine yourself there, and let's close that ugly door for good.       hugging
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« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2020, 01:47:58 am »

The whole point about coming out is opening ourselves to let others inside a previously hidden part of us.
By that definition, we also invite rejection and avoidance.

As long as you're not harming others (by having a double life, say), the only metric you should use is how comfortable and free you are with your life decisions.
If you find yourself enjoying a more subdued life without being out and proud, then by all means, you do you.

At the same time, I find myself questioning the idea that being out in any way = being shoved in a certain box and treated accordingly. I don't think you're giving your friends enough credit.

By you coming out you can prove to the people around you that you shouldn't be "shoved in a certain box"  the more people come out the more we can break those stereotypes.  I am certainly not a stereotypical gay man and I have even had people say that I wasn't what they expected. 

Just be you.
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