Going back in the closet
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« on: February 04, 2019, 01:42:55 am »

Has anyone here gone back in the closet?

I came out in 8th grade and rode the 'out loud and proud' train for quite a few years.  In that time I found myself becoming less and less happy.  High school is a weird time for everyone so this isn't unique but a lot of it just felt off.  In my senior year I started a rugby team and for the first time in a long time I was hanging out with a bunch of guys instead of girls.  Despite being out I was new at this school and not everyone knew me so I was treated by the majority of them like just another guy.   When I moved to LA and went to school I was out of the closet again, and found myself in the same situation I was before: men kept me at arms length and women adored me yet annoyed me.    The best I could ever hope for is ot be someones 'gay best friend' instead of just their 'best friend'.

When I started at a new work place I figured I'd just not come out for a little while, that I'd wait until the relationship dynamics were established and then reveal myself.  Fast forward two years and I just still hadn't come out and life was great.  I am not very romantic and instead am fulfilled more by friendships, so I didn't feel like I was missing much.   I am attractive so it is easy to get laid on apps and even if I want to go out to a gay bar it isnt; like I am worried about my straight friends finding out.  A lot of them piece it together over the years and are peripherally aware, but at this point our dynamic and relationship is so well established that I'm not put in a 'gay' box.

I find I enjoy this a lot more and while I'll go wherever life takes me I could see myself living an entire life like this.
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« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2019, 06:57:46 pm »

The whole point about coming out is opening ourselves to let others inside a previously hidden part of us.
By that definition, we also invite rejection and avoidance.

As long as you're not harming others (by having a double life, say), the only metric you should use is how comfortable and free you are with your life decisions.
If you find yourself enjoying a more subdued life without being out and proud, then by all means, you do you.

At the same time, I find myself questioning the idea that being out in any way = being shoved in a certain box and treated accordingly. I don't think you're giving your friends enough credit.


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« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2019, 02:49:18 am »

I don't think most people act like this, but whatever works on you and makes you happy it's good i guess.  Grin I think i would never have the patience to not tell them and let them find out.
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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2019, 11:53:57 pm »

That pretty much describes Judith Butler's theory on multiple closets. We come out over and over again to new acquaintances. I say do you.
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« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2019, 03:15:35 am »

I think it's pretty common for a lot of people to feel more "comfortable" not being "out" all the time, certainly it must have it's easier sides. Everybody has their right to do whats best for themselves.

I'm on the other hand can't think of hiding my identity behind anything, my sexuality is a BIG part of my self, so I can't imagine My life being hiding in any form to anyone I relate myself with, even co-workers, colleagues or anything else.

And these things are points that can really bring some people down in the long run. For some it can influence different forms of mental illness, like depression, anxiety, eating disorders. So in most cases I would say it should be watched with care, cause it can be just a "personal" choice, but for most people, it can be one of those choices that lead to illnesses, addictions, depressions, etc.

Just saying.  with love
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« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2019, 04:48:16 am »


Apparently, you are "passable" as straight -- or, you perceive that you are perceived as straight.   Cheesy

And some long-term friends kinda feel your "zone," and most likely, they correctly conclude that you don't want to deal with the topic.

As much as I can type out "do your own thing," it does seem that maintaining this quasi back-in-the-closet posture over a long period will leave you with some missed opportunities for emotional growth and depth.  But, we'll never know, will we?
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« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2019, 09:38:35 pm »

Coming out is the hardest process of being a homosexual. You need people to know exactly who you are to enjoy your life at it's full extent. You wouldn't be hanging out with "real friends" if they're only hanging out with you because they think you're a straight guy. In other words, you shouldn't be someone you're not to get friends because they won't be real friends.

Of course, that's not the end of the world. If you feel you need to go back into the closet, go ahead and do it. Take all the time you need, but make sure to come out again when you're ready. Don't remain hidden for too long!
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