Anxiety When Partner is Travelling
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« on: April 11, 2019, 12:03:11 am »

Hi guys! I just want to ask for your advice/opinion. I've been in a relationship with this guy for almost a year. For context: I'm out to my family and close friends, but he's officially not out (he's in a "glass closet" - everyone around us can already sense that he's gay, but he's afraid to come out to his family because he will be disowned by his parents due to cultural reasons). Other than that, we're pretty happy keeping our relationship on the down low, though as expected, it's a huge sacrifice on my end. But he's warming up to the idea of telling our closest friends at least.

Anyway, his job requires him to travel out of town at least twice or thrice a month (2-3 days on each trip). I get anxious whenever he goes on these business trips. He is a pretty good-looking guy, and often, a lot of gay guys flirt with him. He would often tell me about hot guys he would encounter during his travels, but since he is not out, he doesn't act on it - and he shouldn't act on it since we're in an exclusive, monogamous relationship. We have established the "feel free to look, but don't touch" rule - we're pretty open with each other about letting the other know if we find another guy attractive, but nothing more than that.

In all fairness to him, he has not given me any reason to doubt his trust, and he has proven so far that he is faithful - in the past months, I have subtle ways of verifying his whereabouts and activities, and he has passed this test numerous times. And yet, when he doesn't reply for hours at a time, especially at night (sure, he's probably sleeping), I feel more anxious. I'm trying not to ask him directly about where he is and what he's doing at any given time because that might be too clingy/needy, which he doesn't like. On the flip side, I have already told him that communication is important to me, but he is a firm believer that we don't need to send messages to each other every few hours, especially when we're busy or preoccupied with something like work. He asserts that at the end of the day, we'll come back to each other anyway, regardless of how busy our day was.

For those of you who experience the same type of anxiety when your partner is away, how do you cope? Or how do you put your mind at ease and not think of insecure thoughts that he might be fooling around with someone else? Would appreciate your advice/tips. Thanks!
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« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2019, 02:59:08 pm »

Remember one thing. Verifying and stuff is good when you feel anxious but then ... it seems no matter how much you tested him... you still feel anxious? I kinda get a vibe from you that this feeling won't disappear won't it? At this game you have a lot to lose cause of course you don't want to lose him that's why you do all this stuff but you can also lose him because of your distrust. Not saying it will happen but there's a chance cause I did have this problem.

I used to be very obsessed and possesive. I always knew distant relationships so never had anyone close to me all the time. When I found my perfect man I clinged to him and really did kind of stuff like you. Tried to stalk every movement and everytime something happened I was always suspicious. It wasn't the only reason but we broke up very soon. I don't even know if he did cheat or flirt but it doesn't matter cause I lost him either way. This kind of behaviour is not healthy to the relationship or to your well-being. If you can chill out please do it because you will get paranoid. Maybe you have a good man by your side and you can just calm down. Remember not everyone is used to being checked on on every single ocassion. That's all the tips I think I can give you. Just chill and ease your head.

I got myself cured from this stuff and not by a therapist (tho I should go it was a mistake I didn't) but by time. Eventually through years time has done the job and I changed. And then came the other relationship. Even further than the last one cause from another country so a lot of reasons for jealousy and a lot of time when you don't see each other but the laid back approach is all I really needed.

I would agree with him that you don't have to send messages every few hours. I totally stand by that. I can sometimes not text for a day or two but then you miss the other person and you just want to text them. To your deffence I think he should also feel you a litte more cause it's probably the type of person you are - you need contact, you are in love and you just want to be close. I don't think it's bad it's very cute just remember not to crose the line. Hope you have another anniversary coming next year Smiley
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« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2019, 01:52:42 pm »

Hi pal, 

Jealousy and the anxiety of infidelity are quite common in monogamous relationships. However if certain boundaries are crossed it can cause damage in the dynamics of the couple, in other words it can be toxic. If your boyfriend is not giving you the reasons to feel the anxiety then those feelings are steming from trust issues or your own insecurities. Thus, if you believe that your feelings are unjustified or they can harm your relationship then you should ask for professional help (a psychologist).

PS. The fact that your boyfriend is in the closet doesnt meen that he cannot cheat.
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