No BF + 4 Year Friendship Advice
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Author Topic: No BF + 4 Year Friendship Advice  (Read 1513 times)
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« on: December 08, 2019, 12:18:39 am »

Met a guy via Grindr 4 years back, hooked up, ended up chatting, met up again for dinner and hooked up, he came onto me, did a holiday together, constantly talking then (long distance), suddenly communication dropped off, I asked if everything is okay and asked what works for him now / if he wants to pause, got a whole bunch of invites and random confusing emails also none of which actually made sense so when I questioned what was going on he got angry and blew me off. All communication was via text - he even sent his last message via a text which I think was cowardly.

I have been to various therapists to self-improve/learn but I'm coming up empty and more confused.
1. Some are saying he has an 'avoidant' personality type so obviously something triggered and he ran away - but this doesn't make sense given he seemed fine for the 3 years before.
2. Some are saying I was vulnerable and he just took advantage / used me - but I don't get how.
3. Some are saying I came on too strongly therefore he pulled away - but I again don't see what I said was crazy/wrong and even offered us to not be friends at all.

I am going round in circles. I am nearing 30 and have never been in a relationship, but have had hundreds of hookups over the years with none resulting in anything 'more' (other than the friendship above which also now ended).

Can someone please speak to me and help me see what is going on? I have the chat I can forward to you for the above if helpful.
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« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2019, 04:05:38 pm »

I don't know if he used you or you came on too strong or what, I don't think it matters. Whatever is going on with him is not your fault or doing, his erratic behaviour is his own problem and not caused by you. I would honestly forget about him and move on for your own peace of mind and happiness.

If you are looking for a relationship and not a hook-up, I think you can still use apps but be clear in your profile that you are not just looking for a quick hook-up - you don't have to say you're looking for a commitment that can scare people off even if it's what they want too. If you meet up with someone, take it slow - just have a coffee or a drink or an activity on later dates, don't end up in bed together than first, or even second, or third date. Get to know someone before it gets physical. That's more fulfilling and fun for me any way, hook-ups are like a wank deluxe, I want more than that usually. that's just my preference.

Good luck Smiley
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« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2019, 06:13:39 pm »

I have not contacted him back and agree that his behaviour is not my fault. I guess it just gave me pause. If a 4 year friendship (where I went extremely slow) blows up like this then what hope do I have? Everyone seems to want to jump into bed with me, but when I offer coffee etc first, people literally vanish. It is sad. Sad I don't mind hooking up to see what's underneath lol but it just would be good if everything didn't end so abruptly for me.
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« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2020, 03:24:45 pm »

I came across this article: https://www.quora.com/What-are-some-common-phrases-used-by-covert-narcissists and it sounds a lot like him.
I know the advice is to stay away (which I have) and move on, but I want a little revenge lol.
But do I want his fake friendship back? God no.
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« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2020, 02:47:38 am »

Hi, you're looking for romance on Grindr? 

I hope you know that during those 4 years while you were texting the love of your life, he was probably getting cornholed by every random Grindr  hottie he could message. 

I know this sounds blunt, but if you want a normal relationship, then take a step back and first identify the avenues where people might actually be looking for serious and real relationships.  I'm not saying you can't find love on Grindr, but I am saying it is your fault for pinning all your hopes on a Grindr hookup. 
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« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2020, 02:30:06 pm »

To be honest, even if things were fine for 3 years, maybe he just changed his mind and he just doesn't want what you guys have anymore. It's easy to fall into the trap of "what went wrong". In most cases, nothing went wrong. People sometimes move on? I understand that it's hard to accept though.
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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2020, 11:21:24 pm »

I saw that link also, and saw a therapist about this, who didn’t confirm (or deny) the narcissism but did say he was selfish and indeed something seemed off (though she said I came across well at all times, was fair, clearly know how to have a healthy relationship and know the boundaries etc which was re-assuring).

I don’t want his ‘fake friendship’ back. I just was trying to understand what happened. For a long time I thought it was me. I have never been in a relationship, his gay friendship lasted the longest, therefore I just thought it was me. But more and more, it just seems he was an ass and I am fine.

I wasn't looking for a romance on Grindr. We were both sleeping with other guys via Grindr and otherwise, and telling each other about it in some cases (well, he claimed I was more lucky and he seemed more like he was getting bf's although I never ever saw pics of these 'bf's'). It was just a friendship... I didn't want to sleep with him again. It was just nice to have some gay chat with someone who 'gets' this side of me, vs my straight friends who can't relate really.

Funnily enough, I met a guy on tinder, who was from the same town as him and shagged him during the time he ‘ended’ the friendship with me.

I think it is fair to assume he changed his mind. However when I felt there was a dip, I did ask, and even offered to stop chatting if things had changed. That is when the apologies started and promises too ‘do better’. He had many many chances and took over 1 year to ‘realise’ he didn’t want it anymore? Seems unfair / immature to also completely ditch me via text (and blame me for me) even if he changed his mind.

I think the piece I'm confused about is 'ending it entirely' seems more extreme than saying something like 'hey things have changed on my side, let's meet up and chat / have a call (and actually do it) every 6 months if that works?'. That is what I am finding difficult to accept. I am a reasonable person and showed that at all times that I was trying to work with him with his new schedule/life. To keep saying sorry and offering things and claiming you want to do better, then suddenly taking a 180 degrees turn with no discussion or open conversation just seemed extreme.
« Last Edit: January 22, 2020, 11:29:25 pm by (Hidden) » Logged


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« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2020, 10:24:53 pm »

Hi, you're looking for romance on Grindr? 

I hope you know that during those 4 years while you were texting the love of your life, he was probably getting cornholed by every random Grindr  hottie he could message. 

I know this sounds blunt, but if you want a normal relationship, then take a step back and first identify the avenues where people might actually be looking for serious and real relationships.  I'm not saying you can't find love on Grindr, but I am saying it is your fault for pinning all your hopes on a Grindr hookup. 

Can you recommend alternative platforms? Tinder and Hinge and Chappy are the worst.... chat chat chat and never ever meet. At least with GR I get some physical interaction lol.
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