Dating a religious person
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« on: February 13, 2020, 12:12:43 pm »

Here is the story,

The last few weeks I am seeing a guy who is deeply religious and conservative. Our relationship is purely sexual and I must admit that it is the best sex I have ever had.
However his opinions trouble me: sometimes he feels guilty about having sex with men, he is somehow homophobic, he doesn't want to be more sentimental with another guy. On the contrary, he said that he doesn't like for me to sleep with other men.

Yesterday he said that during a religious fasting period of 50 days he will not have any contact with me, no sex, no texts, no dates nothing at all, he will ghost me. But he somehow believes that I should wait for him.
I replied that for whatever reason he feels that we should not continue our meetings, it is his right, but since he puts an expiration date to our relationship, then he cannot have more expectations from me.

Honestly I cannot interpret his behaviour: During sex he shows emotions of carnal desire and attachement as well, he also likes to cuddle with me,  but everytime I am trying to become more close to him, he draws away.

What do you think I should do? I am trying not to develop feelings for him and stick only to the sexual part of our contact, since he has already declared that he will ghost me in a few weeks.

Do you think that it worth a shot in pursuing something more or he is a lost cause?
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« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2020, 05:04:16 pm »

AS a religious person....

he's a lost cause.  At some time in the future he may or may not comes to terms with himself.  But he's not the one asking for advice.

Don't settle for a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you.

BTW, I do know couples who give up sex for Lent.  They spend the time working on other aspects of their relationship, they see movies together, they talk to one another and they express non-sexual intimacy like holding hands and cuddling.  But it has to be a mutual decision.
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« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2020, 06:34:23 pm »

You say that your relationship is purely sexual, and that the sex is great.  It sounds like both of you want a more personal connection, beyond physical sex--and that while you realize this and are open to it, he's probably very much afraid of it...or at least deeply conflicted between his idea of religion and his natural bodily attractions.

I don't think you can resolve his internal conflict--it's something he has to work out on his own.  Until he works that out, I think it will be painful for you to be around him and not have things develop the way you would like.  (I have been in this same position, and it's not pleasant.)  I suggest that you tell him that you are open to a more significant interaction with him, but that you won't simply put things "on hold" and wait for him to come back after Great Lent. 

This will be a difficult conversation to have, but I think it's valuable for you to stand up for your own feelings--and that you won't be controlled or harmed by him.  He may or may not realise that he is also harming himself...but that's something he needs to take responsibility for.

Please let us know how this turns out.  You sound like a sensitive, caring person who not only enjoys great sex, but sees the value of emotional attachment with another guy.  It also sounds like you are willing to "attach" to someone who has different beliefs or ideas than your own, and that's a wonderful thing.  But these characteristics can lead to pain if you don't actively take care of yourself.  There are lots of wonderful guys out there with whom you can form a wonderful, and mutual, attachment.
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« Reply #3 on: February 29, 2020, 02:07:34 pm »

Hey guys,

Thank you for your advice, turns out you were both right. Even though I decided to continue our relationship for as far as it could go it seems that it ends in bitterness.

Long story short, we kept seeing each other and engage in fantastic sex, but also a deeper connection was evolving. He kept sending me double messages, but I could understand that he cared about me more than just raw sex. One time, he said to me "I need you more than you need me" and he cuddled with me until we fell asleep. I did not respond.

So during our last meeting I decided to open up about my feelings and said that "I am starting to fall in love with you". He said "you should stop doing that" (stop developing feelings for him). So I drunk a lot and it ended with me in tears in some sort of meltdown. He left the house. The next morning he send a message asking how I was feeling after drinking too much. I replyed that I am OK, and this was our last talking.

I understand by our talks that he has a vision for his life which cannot include a m2m relationship or romance. Even though I feel a little sad about the way things ended up, I was expecting that this is how it would end.

Once again thank you for preparing me for the future that would come.
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