What if the world hates you?
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« on: April 07, 2019, 12:52:06 am »

I'm sorry, I have some mental issues recently and maybe ... I don't even know what do I expect from it here.

I grew up in really fucked up and manipulative family, but nobody ever helped me because my mother was super manipulative and every time when I said something to someone, they never got a better idea than to have a chat with my mother - she always manipulated them and convinced them she is the mother of century and I am just a sick psycho who everything made it up. My father secretly filming me getting undressed when I was 6 (I found a hidden and recording camera in my room, but at that time I thought a secret spy did it).

Even that my parents are super rich, I barely got something that would be mine as a gift (Christmas, Birthdays...) and if I got something, it was shortly after taken from me or it was something my father wanted. I got his old (exactly the same) computer at least 6 times, but no longer than 2 months after I got it, it became his computer and I couldn't use it.
I was getting beaten up on a regular basis, from straight A grades I went to D and E grades and I was getting beaten up even more. I tried to kill myself when I was 12 and my mother took me to the hospital 7 days after (with broken ribs and hand), she said if I say something she will send me to a mental institution. She always manipulated me, that she is the good one, but they never ever told me they care about me or they like me, etc. They told me once, they just to like me.

I escaped from 'my home' when I was 16 - I was homeless / sometimes sleeping rough / sometimes sleeping in hostels / sometimes not sleeping at all / sometimes sleeping a few hours at work on the floor before other's arrived, but I was able to get out of it, saved some money, met my first boyfriend (who really saved me, otherwise I would probably kill myself already) and suddenly my relationships with family became more or less normal... for a while, my mother even helped me to get a room from her 'friend', but she reported to my mother I am taking there a boys overnight (I took there my bf, maybe 3 times...), she let me kicked out on the street the next day and if I couldn't stay with my bf and his mother (super great mother), I wouldn't make it. I end up in hospital after that (I couldn't breath) and while I was in a hospital, my mother was texting me I should die etc. After that, I throw up my sim card and that was the last time I spoke with her.

A few months after my bf moved to a different country and we broke up on new year's eve 2009 - I am alone since then. Shortly after that, I noticed that my mother withdrew my saving account (she faked my signature, etc.) so I had to report it to the police (after several attempts to get my money back), I managed to get my money back and moved to a different country as well.
Since then I am getting once per year an email from my 'father' telling me that he would send me something but I am worth nothing to them so there is no way how to delivery nothing to me.

You know, the reason why I am writing this is, I don't think there is a point to live for everybody. Even that my starting conditions were more difficult, I really tried everything I could to survive, but it will never be enough and my train is a long time gone. 
I even sign up to study forensic psychology at the OU, but once again, I am not a person of interest so I got absolutely no support (I would get it if I wouldn't be white - seriously), it's really difficult to study this subject on your own, I have to do night shifts, deal with lots of bullshits and still won't get more than the minimum they have to pay me (different story).

I just turned 30, my gay life is over before even started, last time I had sex with somebody was almost 10 years ago, I have no friends, I lost contact with friends I had (because I moved to a different country) and because I study forensic psychology, I know my situation won't get much better - I was fucked up when I was growing up and one part of my brain (responsible for emotions) is not developed correctly (yeah, this scientific fact) and If I would have children I would fucked them up as well because trauma from your childhood will affect your sperm as well.

I am not just attractive enough (I wouldn't share my pictures anywhere), to get help from somebody and I am too hard on myself (I heard this from my tutors) so I will always end up in a shity place (work) where I won't make any progress because I don't believe in myself and the company will never ever help me to make any progress or invest something in me.

I don't want to pity myself, I am just really, really tired of everything. I had to fight extremely hard and still have nothing while some people make $320.000 on twitter just because they are fucking assholes. When I was trying to fundraise something to help myself finish the uni, I managed to get $0.

The point is, that I think a had a chance to be something much better and archive something, but I wasn't lucky enough to get help. If I would die right now, nobody would even miss me.


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« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2019, 12:41:22 am »

Hi Commander88,

I'm sorry to hear you had such a horrible time with your family. They sound truly awful. Thank goodness you had your bf's mom to turn to, and show you how things should be.

It sounds like you have done well for yourself, though, moving to a different country away from your toxic family, and getting a job, and bettering your education.

I know turning 30 can seem like the end of gay life. I was pretty down about it myself, when I turned 30. Strangely enough it was a TV ad that helped me look on the bright side. It was of a 70 year old lady in bed opening her birthday cards, and fantasising that she'd turned 30 instead of 70. It may sound trite, but it made me feel better that there were people who would so gladly be turning 30.

The scene can be fairly shallow, but there are an awful lot of great gay guys over 30, like yourself, and even younger ones who are looking for an older man. (I'm not sure how I'd feel about being called daddy!)

It sounds like you've fought hard for what you have, and there's always hope for a brighter future. Things can seem dark and hopeless, but you never know what could be round the corner.

Since you are involved in the psychological community, have you considered asking for professional help with some of your issues?
Have you made any friends or at least acquaintances through your studies? I guess the OU makes that more complicated.

Did you and your ex move to the same new country? If so, maybe you could make some friends that way? Otherwise getting involved in social activities would help you meet some new people, who might become friends. I'm not a big people-person myself, so I understand that this is easier said than done.

It can be hard to see empty-headed reality TV stars and YouTubers making obscene amounts of money for nothing of substance, but they really are the exceptions. Millions of kids want to be a famous star, but only a handful of them will ever make it.

You sound like a hardworking young man. Stick with it, and I hope things can get better for you soon.

 Hug
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« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2019, 01:09:48 am »

Hi owaing,

thank you for your time to write this and your support.

I don't know if you live in the UK but mental health support in the UK is very limited, tutors don't care about you and your problems. I just read an article about 95 students who died by suicide in one year. I am not usually the one who would be asking for help (assignments related), but I had to contact my tutors this year a few times and I see from her reactions she doesn't want to be involved much. The pressure of doing two modules at once is really huge.

As somebody who is involved in the psychological society, I can tell you there is lots of evidence if you have any childhood trauma and your relationships are not okay with your family, the part of your brain responsible for your emotions won't develop correctly and this will be also in your RNA so even if you would be the father of the universe, your children would have higher chances to have mental issues.

We moved to the same country but I moved a few years after him and he was already back home.

You know I didn't mention the guy from twitter who made $320.000 because I would be jealous, it's just some people are doing absolutely nothing, acting like complete assholes and some extremely submissive guys sending them tons of money, it's just I don't get it, but if somebody worked to develop his talent and now making $100.0000.000 a year, I don't mind. They worked for it and they deserve it...
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« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2019, 01:49:18 am »

Hi again Commander88,

You're most welcome. I am from the UK but haven't lived there for some years now. I have heard that the NHS has been suffering a death of a thousand cuts in recent years, so it's distressing to hear that mental health care is so lacking.

https://help.open.ac.uk/mental-health-difficulties
I see the OU claims to offer some form of support, but it wouldn't surprise me to find that it's mostly superficial box-ticking, and to cover themselves legally. Universities are usually faceless bureaucracies, but there's normally some good people you can turn to. In the case of the OU though, I can see it being much harder than a more physical based university where you can meet student groups and attend events.

I understand that if your brain has developed unusually due to childhood trauma, then there may not be a "fix" for that, but I would hope they would at least be able to counsel and support you on how best to live as well as possible within those constraints.

That's unfortunate timing with you and your ex moving.

The submissive money thing you mention is FinDom, I take it? I find that quite distasteful myself. I've heard people argue that it's a safe way for people with no other options to submit, but I can't help seeing it as people taking advantage of another's vulnerability.

I meant to mention before that I don't think the world hates anyone, but is simply coldly indifferent to us all. I can imagine that as a migrant to the UK it might feel pretty unwelcoming right now, but please know that for each of the rabid brexiteers who hate everything foreign, there is at least one other who appreciates what you bring. I myself have numerous headaches now residing in the EU as a British citizen.
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« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2019, 02:37:34 am »

To be honest, I don't really have the best experience with the Open University and I wouldn't choose it if I would have a choice, but because of my past and troubles to prove my formal education, no brick uni would accept me. Of course, I could do Acess to Higher Education course first, but I wanted to speed it up as I am not getting any younger and despite warnings not to do it full time, I did it anyway. I guess I had different expectations from it. I also heard the OU is having issues now, it kind of makes sense, while OU is open to everybody (even to people like me) the support they provide is very limited, but typical students of OU would need more help, not less compare to classic brick uni and I can definitely say they won't give you anything free just because you are paying for it. I do have grades around 75%, but it's really difficult and if you will fail just one assignment, it will instantly throw you one grade down.

Anyway, last year I contacted the Open University and wanted to know if there is any chance they could help me (bursary, or something like that) I knew there is one I would get if I would be any other colour than white (yes, the condition was exactly like this) and I asked them if they could email me as I didn't want to talk about it over the phone. After 6 weeks, one of my tutors contacted them on my behalf and asked them to get in touch with me, after another 2 weeks they called me (but I was sleeping after night shift) and they just left me a message to contact them, my tutor (she is on a maternity leave now, but she was really great) wrote me an email it's quite shocking from them. They called me again a few days after that (this time I managed to pick it up) and it was completely useless, I don't even remember what she told me anymore because it was nothing that could help me.


This the guy I am talking about - https://twitter.com/MasterJax69 He is not even nice, all he does is showing 'fuck you' to everybody and asking people to pay his bills. I know about him just because somebody was sharing his tweet how disappointed he is because he was driving his mother with cancer all day and his fucking faggots couldn't even pay his gas bill. It's really shocking this is okay.

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« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2019, 03:02:58 am »

That's unfortunate that they can't really help you. As you say, OU students are far more likely to need extra assistance than a "standard" university student. My own ex has studied OU courses part time and seems happy with the experience.

That guy is really something. Unfortunately some people really like being treated like dirt, and are apparently willing to pay handsomely for it. (I would have imagined that finding someone who would do that for free wouldn't be too hard, if that's what someone really wanted.) Still, at least he is completely upfront about what he's doing.
Apparently there's lots more ladies doing the same thing to straight guys:
https://findom-help.livejournal.com/610.html

There's much worse out there, though. At least those guys just lose money:
https://www.queerty.com/strange-sad-tale-man-died-silicone-injected-genitals-20181106
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« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2019, 03:56:46 am »

I guess it depends on what you study and if you do it full-time or part-time. The module I am doing is BPS accredited and they have to put everything you would normally learn at a brick uni, but you have to learn everything yourself, lots of statistics, mathematics, etc., the second year is really challenging.

This world is seriously fucked up. If one guy would pay him... okay... his money, but this is really seriously fucked up. How I said I am really, really tired of everything. I have to do night shifts, getting paid minimum wage, have to deal with psycho telling me they will torture me and kill me, while some assholes (150!!) at the national office getting paid £60K and call it a charity. Other people are just ugly assholes and getting paid for it. Honestly, I would have moral issues to take from somebody money if I would be like that guy - well, I do have moral issues to work my employer as well because there is no real difference between them. I guess I made lots of wrong decessions in my life and that's why I am where I am.
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« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2019, 04:10:08 am »

There is certainly a lot fucked up in this world, but also beauty and kindness and love. How much we perceive of each seems to vary by your own mood, of course.

I would also have issues with doing what that guy does. He presumably has very little empathy for others, and is supremely selfish. I understand and share your frustration at his being rewarded for this. It's the sort of thing you'd expect to be illegal, but I guess since people hand their money over voluntarily it can't be prosecuted.

What psycho is threatening to torture and kill you?

Good luck with your OU module. It does sound challenging. I liked maths at school, but university maths with my Computer Science degree was just incomprehensible. Thankfully we only had to do it for one semester.

We all make some mistakes, but there's usually a way to move forward. We can't go back, of course, but tomorrow is a new day, as they say.
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« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2019, 04:56:13 am »

I am not exactly sure if I know what love is...

I work in a huge hostel operated by one 'charity' charging even £300 a night, but paying minimum wages to people actually working in hostels and extremely overpaying overstaffed national office...I am not exactly sure how they can't get away with what they are doing, but that's a different story.

As you may know, hostels in the UK (special city ones) are very different from hostels anywhere else. You have to deal with lots of problematic people, drunk people, lots of conflicts, etc, but they won't buy us Skyguard because they don't have £10 a month for it. 13 months ago I noticed in Brighton they are getting paid more than we do, even it's a half size hostel, the difference was only 22p per hour, but 13 months later, they are still working on it. 16 months ago night duty manager resigned and they hired somebody who didn't even applied for that job instead of promoting somebody, I had to train him (plus other guys) and 14 months later, I still have to tell him what to do because he made no progress at all. There are disciplinary and other actions against him because he will fuck up everything if I will leave alone for a while. Still, I can't make any progress, I don't even have a chance to be promoted there and if I go somewhere else, my current employer refuses to confirm I had to deal with all this shit.  Everybody (even the manager) is telling me I shouldn't be in that situation from my position, but nothing is done. Sometimes I hear it takes months to do something about it.

I tried to apply for a job in different locations but they won't even email me back because I can't state I am doing what I am doing here. I am really trapped because of school and night shifts, every time when I have free time, I am out of energy or have to write essays, etc. Every time when I asked for something, they did the exact opposite. I was asking for more hours before my uni would get crazy, since than they are cutting down my hours. I have a loan to repay and thank's to that I am barely surviving and It makes very difficult for me to leave as I have no extra savings.

It's really difficult to see a bright side.

« Last Edit: April 10, 2019, 05:01:54 am by (Hidden) » Logged


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« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2019, 06:03:09 am »

£300 a night sounds pretty pricy for a hostel. Is it not an upmarket hotel at that price?
I haven't stayed in any hostels in the UK, as I mostly stay with friends and relatives. The hostels I've stayed in around Europe have cost about £8 to £15 a night.

That seems quite remiss of them being unwilling to pay a small sum each month to ensure your safety.

Why can you not tell prospective employers what you do at your current job? Is it that they don't want to admit how much you do, in case they had to pay you more?

From your description of the situation, it sounds like they'd be better off having you as the night manager, and get someone else to take up what used to be your job. Unfortunately I have heard lots of people complain that they are forced to train someone cheap or unsuitable to do a job that you're more than qualified for.

Will it take very long to pay off your loan?
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« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2019, 02:33:55 pm »

No, they just know if there is something going on (there is a huge stadium) desperate people will pay it - £300 is a double room, £75-105 is a bed in a dorm.

They don't care about anything. They making £55.000.000, they don't pay taxes and they are just using young people, can you imagine a company making £55.000.000 a year would need volunteers? When I started they gave them a private room, they had to work 16 hours and could buy a 'food' for £2 from the menu. Now they have to work 24 hours a week, they have to share a dorm with other guest and they have to eat something they cocked for them / which is just frozen shit you wouldn't even want to eat for free and they have to pay for it, but they are not getting any money. This company is extremely morally disgusting.

You know, it's not just me ... when I started this company had 4.1 rating on Glassdoor, now 2.4 out of 5. There was employe survey and only 32% (mostly management itself) said management is leading this organisation well, still, it won't stop them to get huge bonuses, make a party for managers from charity money that will costs £35.000 (yeah, another one will be next month where I work).

Before I started they promised me lots of benefits and progress, like cycle to work, extra holiday days, double pay on new year's eve, Christmas bonuses, etc. Well, I got nothing. All benefits I applied for got rejected, no double pay and instead of Christmas bonuses we got an email about new fantastic benefit - donate them back what we earned - again, it's a tax benefit for managers. It's all one big lie. For example, you have to work 8.5 hours, you will get paid 8 but if you want to take a holiday, holiday day is 7 hours, so you have no extra holiday, you have a bare legal minimum.

I think wasn't born to live in this world, because things like this are destroying me.



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« Reply #11 on: April 10, 2019, 03:31:56 pm »

I see. That's pretty pricy.

They sound fairly terrible from your description. Using unpaid volunteers and then charging them for food does seem pretty bad.
It sounds like they have got a lot worse since you joined, given the precipitous fall in their rating. What changed?

Promising you all that stuff then not delivering seems deliberate. Sounds like you should do the same good job for someone who appreciates your time and efforts, if you can find another position, of course.

I don't think it's unique to yourself. I think most people would be demoralised being treated that way.
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« Reply #12 on: April 10, 2019, 03:47:04 pm »

When I started, I was only one not promoted on night shifts and I thought there will be progress as this is a really huge hostel. Well, two months after duty manager resigned (they offered her a better position but than she didn't get it) and there were two night team leaders. One of them were relocated somewhere else shortly after but wasn't replaced until now, because they know I can do it so there is no reason to do something about it. The second night team leader applied for the duty manager position but didn't get it as well, instead somebody who applied for a team member position got it - that problematic old guy.

The second team leader agrees with me that the situation is not good for me, but he is kind of brainwashed and still believe in all this bullshits around, plus his promotion would be just formal as he wouldn't get paid more anyway (because of his old contract). He is promising me over a year that at some point they will need a second team leader, as well as other managers there, but nothing is going on. I also spoke about that with the general manager several times, last time she promised me she will make sure I will get enough shifts and they fooled me again because I got the bare minimum.

It's just ... I don't even fucking know why I am still there... I guess I was hoping I will have a chance to be promoted and it would make my situation better even if I would leave because to be promoted somewhere looks much better than be a team member and not move anywhere.
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« Reply #13 on: April 10, 2019, 04:51:43 pm »

Sounds like the normal sort of office politics that mean it's time to move on. Normally it's not possible to get them to change for the better, so you move to somewhere better, and continue from there. Later to discover that the new place also has its issues, and to move on again in the future. That's how jobs seem to work these days.

It doesn't sound like they're planning to promote you, when they can just not promote you and have you do all the same work anyway.

I understand it won't look good having the same job title, but you can honestly tell prospective employers how you trained the new night manager. If they know what they're doing when interviewing you they'll be able to tell you're not just bullshitting.
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« Reply #14 on: April 10, 2019, 06:11:23 pm »

It's just I tried so hard and have nothing, while some people did nothing and have everything. You know meme saying as long you have friends and family you have more than you may think, but I don't have even that so...

I don't want to have a luxury house, Lamborghini in my garage and 5 pornstars in my bed, just the bed and roof over my head, be able to travel time to time somewhere and just have a decent life, but that's not for me, obviously and I really don't want to pity myself...
You know it's like that riddle; as we are, we two, we three what I alone can never be.
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« Reply #15 on: April 10, 2019, 09:56:46 pm »

It can seem that way, that some people have everything for nothing, and it's true, but they are just a small group, just an obvious one. Most people have to work hard to get by. Hardly anyone can afford a house in the UK anymore that didn't already have one before everything went ridiculously high.

Can you look for a different job? If they're only paying you minimum wage now, then even if you take entry level work elsewhere because they won't take your experience into account, at least it should still not be a step down from where you are now, and hopefully somewhere where there is actually a chance for advancement for you?
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« Reply #16 on: April 11, 2019, 01:24:18 am »

Oh I know it's not just me. You know, those ones making lots of money saying they are rich just because of their hard work, etc, but it's not true... somebody helped them to get that job. It's extremely rare to work your way up without anyone's help.

I am just trying to say I was trying to do all I could to have a decent life, but I keep failing and I would rather die than be old, alone, have nothing, worry about the roof over my head, etc.  I think finishing this uni is my last chance to archive something, but it's damn difficult. I just finished one assignment and submitted 31 seconds before the deadline.   
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« Reply #17 on: April 11, 2019, 01:43:32 am »

It's true, a lot of privileged people think it's because they're so awesome, and not because of the huge advantages they had.

Finishing Uni should certainly help. Congratulations on getting your assignment in on time. I can be pretty last minute myself.

You're trying your best. That's all anyone can ask. Was there something specific you want to achieve, other than a more secure life? "Achieve something" is a bit of a nebulous goal to measure yourself against. It's easy to find that you come up short when measuring against something undefined.

Unfortunately lots of people end up old and alone. It's a fear many of us have. Even those that have special people in their lives will start to lose them as time goes by. We can but make the most of the time we have.
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« Reply #18 on: April 11, 2019, 02:13:22 am »

As a kid I always wanted to be a doctor, I even had good grades enough for it, but I had no support for it, so ... maybe next time.

I was thinking I will do forensic psychology and if I would finish it with 2.1 I could be an NHS trainee and do a clinical psychology degree, NHS would pay tuition and I would get paid as a trainee as well. I was also thinking about building a house in the countryside (log house as it's way cheaper than a normal house), maybe something bigger and I could make a small hotel from it - rent a few rooms, close it if I would have enough of people and would want to take a break from them or hire somebody who would help me with it, I could get a dog and if I would go somewhere, he wouldn't be alone. That's my dream but it's not very likely.

It's not very likely I would get another bf, I kind of have 'I am the only gay in the village' mentality, but I am okay to be alone. As long I can take care of everything and clean my ass, it's okay, but I don't see a point of just surviving and not being able to do anything on your own.

What about you?
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« Reply #19 on: April 11, 2019, 02:34:52 am »

That sounds like a worthy goal.

I live in an old log house. I like the countryside too, but it's not great for finding boyfriends. The attitude to gays here is way worse than in the UK too. I might have to come back at some point.

I studied computer science, and went into programming, mostly for games. It's fun, but hard work (very unrealistic deadlines causing huge amounts of unpaid overtime), and you get a bit jaded after a while. I'd say I'm not hugely career driven, and just happy to get by.

You're not likely to be the only gay in the village in the UK these days.
https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2019/01/21/lgbt-statistics-straight-britain/
But if you're happy by yourself, that's fine.

I'm a bit of a loner myself, though I would like to find someone. It's just not very likely, especially here. I could find a married (to a woman) bi guy looking for a quickie in his car relatively easily, but that's not for me, so I've been alone for a long time like yourself.

I do worry about being old and alone. A guy living alone in our village got drunk and fell and knocked himself out outside in the winter. He was frozen solid by the time the neighbours went looking for him. I don't want to end up like that.
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