He likes hurting me during sex
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« on: July 06, 2020, 04:25:35 pm »

Hi guys, I think I need another dating advice,

Here is the story: I met a guy and we are sort of dating. To begin with, sex was great.  Going to bed with him was exciting and fun.
However in the last few sessions, he became different: he bites me very hard, living marks on my body, he squezzes me very hard (sometimes i have bruizes) and during penetration he becomes very agressive to the point I almost cry.

I don't mind sex being a little rough, I enjoy it, but he crosses my lines very often. Last night for example he bit my lips so much they bled.

I asked him "why do you like hurting me?" He said "This way I know you are totaly mine"

How do you think I should handle it? When we are NOT in bed, he is pleasant and loving and gentle. So what is going on?

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« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2020, 07:56:21 pm »


However in the last few sessions, he became different: he bites me very hard, living marks on my body, he squezzes me very hard (sometimes i have bruizes) and during penetration he becomes very agressive to the point I almost cry.

I don't mind sex being a little rough, I enjoy it, but he crosses my lines very often. Last night for example he bit my lips so much they bled.

I asked him "why do you like hurting me?" He said "This way I know you are totaly mine"

How do you think I should handle it? When we are NOT in bed, he is pleasant and loving and gentle. So what is going on?



I see a couple of red flags here.  He is abusing you physically and emotionally.  He does not respect you and considers you to be his property.  Just because he is sweet at other times does not excuse abuse.  You could try talking to him about it and see the way his behavior changes or doesn't change afterwards.
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« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2020, 08:26:46 pm »

I completely agree with bearbearbear: this is physical and emotional abuse. Period.


However in the last few sessions, he became different: he bites me very hard, living marks on my body, he squezzes me very hard (sometimes i have bruizes) and during penetration he becomes very agressive to the point I almost cry.

I don't mind sex being a little rough, I enjoy it, but he crosses my lines very often. Last night for example he bit my lips so much they bled.

I asked him "why do you like hurting me?" He said "This way I know you are totaly mine"

How do you think I should handle it? When we are NOT in bed, he is pleasant and loving and gentle. So what is going on?



I see a couple of red flags here.  He is abusing you physically and emotionally.  He does not respect you and considers you to be his property.  Just because he is sweet at other times does not excuse abuse.  You could try talking to him about it and see the way his behavior changes or doesn't change afterwards.
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« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2020, 09:52:23 pm »

Time to implement a safe word.  If he doesn't respect the safe word, or if he starts acting differently or trying to control other aspects of your life, dump him and run like the wind.
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« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2020, 01:52:32 am »

 I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am a Board Member and former employee of a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Shelter and Services organization.

He doesn't get off on hurting you. He is testing you to see if you will let him gain power and control over you. This is how classic Domestic Violence starts. They start of testing you to see if you will take it and they can get away with it. Pretty soon he will start taking power and control in other parts of the relationship. He will start wanting your schedule. He will try to gain control of everything from your finances to when you need to be home to serve his needs. The violence will escalate, and if he is doing it this early on imagine what he will be like later.

And the only time someone should hurt you during sex is if it is a mutually agreed upon scene that both want to take part in with a safe word, like suggested above. The sexual abuse will likely escalate along with the physical violence. 

Please get out of the situation as soon as possible. Don't be afraid to go to a shelter if he gets threatening and ask to use their services, including an advocate, should you need a stalking order, or restraining order. He already is saying "You're mine." This is a telltale sign that he sees you as something he owns or see as an object.

I wish you the best, and please do reach out to get help.

I was held at gunpoint, beaten and tortured by an ex for 5 hours. I ended up going to my organization as a client. They had never had a gay man come in before, and they welcomed me and got my input on how to develop programs for LGBTQIA. It ended up  with something ugly becoming good. I want you to skip the ugly and go right for the good.

Drop this guy. You have better things ahead. Don't let him ruin it.

I have attached a couple of resources that might be helpful.
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