He likes hurting me during sex
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« on: July 06, 2020, 04:25:35 pm »

Hi guys, I think I need another dating advice,

Here is the story: I met a guy and we are sort of dating. To begin with, sex was great.  Going to bed with him was exciting and fun.
However in the last few sessions, he became different: he bites me very hard, living marks on my body, he squezzes me very hard (sometimes i have bruizes) and during penetration he becomes very agressive to the point I almost cry.

I don't mind sex being a little rough, I enjoy it, but he crosses my lines very often. Last night for example he bit my lips so much they bled.

I asked him "why do you like hurting me?" He said "This way I know you are totaly mine"

How do you think I should handle it? When we are NOT in bed, he is pleasant and loving and gentle. So what is going on?

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« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2020, 07:56:21 pm »


However in the last few sessions, he became different: he bites me very hard, living marks on my body, he squezzes me very hard (sometimes i have bruizes) and during penetration he becomes very agressive to the point I almost cry.

I don't mind sex being a little rough, I enjoy it, but he crosses my lines very often. Last night for example he bit my lips so much they bled.

I asked him "why do you like hurting me?" He said "This way I know you are totaly mine"

How do you think I should handle it? When we are NOT in bed, he is pleasant and loving and gentle. So what is going on?



I see a couple of red flags here.  He is abusing you physically and emotionally.  He does not respect you and considers you to be his property.  Just because he is sweet at other times does not excuse abuse.  You could try talking to him about it and see the way his behavior changes or doesn't change afterwards.
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« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2020, 08:26:46 pm »

I completely agree with bearbearbear: this is physical and emotional abuse. Period.


However in the last few sessions, he became different: he bites me very hard, living marks on my body, he squezzes me very hard (sometimes i have bruizes) and during penetration he becomes very agressive to the point I almost cry.

I don't mind sex being a little rough, I enjoy it, but he crosses my lines very often. Last night for example he bit my lips so much they bled.

I asked him "why do you like hurting me?" He said "This way I know you are totaly mine"

How do you think I should handle it? When we are NOT in bed, he is pleasant and loving and gentle. So what is going on?



I see a couple of red flags here.  He is abusing you physically and emotionally.  He does not respect you and considers you to be his property.  Just because he is sweet at other times does not excuse abuse.  You could try talking to him about it and see the way his behavior changes or doesn't change afterwards.
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« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2020, 09:52:23 pm »

Time to implement a safe word.  If he doesn't respect the safe word, or if he starts acting differently or trying to control other aspects of your life, dump him and run like the wind.
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« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2020, 01:52:32 am »

 I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am a Board Member and former employee of a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Shelter and Services organization.

He doesn't get off on hurting you. He is testing you to see if you will let him gain power and control over you. This is how classic Domestic Violence starts. They start of testing you to see if you will take it and they can get away with it. Pretty soon he will start taking power and control in other parts of the relationship. He will start wanting your schedule. He will try to gain control of everything from your finances to when you need to be home to serve his needs. The violence will escalate, and if he is doing it this early on imagine what he will be like later.

And the only time someone should hurt you during sex is if it is a mutually agreed upon scene that both want to take part in with a safe word, like suggested above. The sexual abuse will likely escalate along with the physical violence. 

Please get out of the situation as soon as possible. Don't be afraid to go to a shelter if he gets threatening and ask to use their services, including an advocate, should you need a stalking order, or restraining order. He already is saying "You're mine." This is a telltale sign that he sees you as something he owns or see as an object.

I wish you the best, and please do reach out to get help.

I was held at gunpoint, beaten and tortured by an ex for 5 hours. I ended up going to my organization as a client. They had never had a gay man come in before, and they welcomed me and got my input on how to develop programs for LGBTQIA. It ended up  with something ugly becoming good. I want you to skip the ugly and go right for the good.

Drop this guy. You have better things ahead. Don't let him ruin it.

I have attached a couple of resources that might be helpful.
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« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2020, 02:18:51 am »

I think these are good resources and the guy asking the question should absolutely read it all. But I wouldn't say it's the scenario 100% meaning it might stay in the current phase. Maybe he just likes the dominance (in a sexual way) because he's gentle when not having sex. But yes keep your eyes open and don't let it become a problem. If it's too much for you in sex, seriously tell him you don't want your every sex to be like this. Or no sex like this at all. And that you're compatible in life but not in bed and in a relationship you need both and let him go if you think abuse is a must-have in sex for him.





I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am a Board Member and former employee of a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Shelter and Services organization.

He doesn't get off on hurting you. He is testing you to see if you will let him gain power and control over you. This is how classic Domestic Violence starts. They start of testing you to see if you will take it and they can get away with it. Pretty soon he will start taking power and control in other parts of the relationship. He will start wanting your schedule. He will try to gain control of everything from your finances to when you need to be home to serve his needs. The violence will escalate, and if he is doing it this early on imagine what he will be like later.

And the only time someone should hurt you during sex is if it is a mutually agreed upon scene that both want to take part in with a safe word, like suggested above. The sexual abuse will likely escalate along with the physical violence. 

Please get out of the situation as soon as possible. Don't be afraid to go to a shelter if he gets threatening and ask to use their services, including an advocate, should you need a stalking order, or restraining order. He already is saying "You're mine." This is a telltale sign that he sees you as something he owns or see as an object.

I wish you the best, and please do reach out to get help.

I was held at gunpoint, beaten and tortured by an ex for 5 hours. I ended up going to my organization as a client. They had never had a gay man come in before, and they welcomed me and got my input on how to develop programs for LGBTQIA. It ended up  with something ugly becoming good. I want you to skip the ugly and go right for the good.

Drop this guy. You have better things ahead. Don't let him ruin it.

I have attached a couple of resources that might be helpful.
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« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2020, 10:27:51 pm »

If during sex someone was hurting or making me feel uncomfortable in any way, that would be the end of the intercourse right there and then. It's important to have boundaries I think. It should be a positive experience for both parties
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« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2020, 05:50:38 am »

It sounds like he likes to be a dominant person when it comes to sex.  The first few times was him getting used to you; now that particular phase is over, he feels like he has more free reign to participate in the rougher sex in which to exert dominance and territoriality.

I can see two sides to this, one I see as hypothetical and the other I side with.  The first being that you do like the rough sex.  In that respect, you should speak more openly about it with him to distinguish certain boundaries of what is and isn't kosher during sex.  With any sexual relationship, deep conversation is key while avoiding the superficial responses.

Secondly, and one I side with, is that he has gotten comfortable with having sex with you and is now exerting his more innate dominant side.  Based on his comment of wanting the world to know "you're mine", I find that to be rather disconcerting.  I would have a conversation about it in a public place and insist it be made there if only for your own safety.  If he continues to refuse or gets overly hostile, then that's a humongous red flag to plug up your ass and take it somewhere else.  Even if he is into dominant-submissive sex, there are boundaries that both parties recognize and respect; he clearly does not respect your boundaries.

My overall advice here is to not approach the topic with rose-tinted glasses.  When asking the questions, listen to what he is both saying and not saying.  Oftentimes, people sidestep questions or artfully leave out particulars that you were hoping be answered.  If you feel too attached or are in the "but I love him" phase, please take a mental step back and view the picture as a whole.

As a sidenote, I had my share of one-night stands when I was in college.  I was fucked by this one guy a few times; he was okay and normal with his style.  After a few times, he got too comfortable with me and started getting kinda dominant with me; refusing to let me cop a feel of his dick to make sure there's a condom and stuffing his fingers in my mouth or even covering it.  The last time we did it, I talked to him about it beforehand and he said I signed up for it before stuffing his barely lubed dick into my ass and practically raping me.  Gave him the surprise of his life, though; lifted his 200+ body off the ground with my 115 pound self to the point he was forced to get off lest he fall and alert his neighbors.  He immediately had me leave.

Point of that side note, don't settle for having your sexual boundaries continually being broken.  Make your thoughts known and get away if things don't change.  And don't be afraid to defend yourself if it's needed.
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